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2003-06-20 - 11.50pm��previous entry��next entry
What is going on with me?!
Weird weird weird couple of days, but I'll get onto that in a minute. Thanks Ash for your guestbook entry - there's an answer in yours :)
Chase is here, Chase is here, Chase is here!!!! I don't know anything yet but Robbi didn't update for a couple of days so I've been wondering, and then I read Katie's diary and she said Chase is here, and then I had to wait impatiently for Aisling to update cause I knew if anyone knew anything it would be Aishy :) And she did. Update, that is, and know things. So Chase is definitely here, and I can't wait for Robbi to update and give weight, time, birth story, happy baby news, etc, etc!! But now I have no births to look forward to any time soon :(
My lovely Sugary Flum Pairy (otherwise known as Deborah the very sweet guestbook-signer!) phoned me today and told me she is pregnant. She is five weeks. I am so so so excited for her!!!!!! I'm glad I'm excited because earlier on this year I worried that I would get all jealous and grumpy or something horrid like that, if she got pregnant before me or when I was hoping to or something. We talked for aaaaages. I really can't believe she is pregnant, it doesn't feel real. After the phone call I had a sorta down-session, I don't know why. Maybe I am feeling a bit odd that she is pregnant and I'm not? I don't know. I wish I was pregnant. I wish I was first. Yuck, don't you hate that about me? Hmmm. But it doesn't stop me being happy and excited for her one bit. I just also feel slightly odd.
But then I feel slightly odd in general at the moment, getting back to the weird couple of days. Now, there really is no likelihood of pregnancy this past cycle since we did not TTC as such, but my period is now three days late when it NEVER is late, and I have been feeling nauseous and headachy and lightheaded and just generally weird like I can't put my finger on. So tonight I took a pregnancy test, and it was negative. I just had to be sure because it was starting to bug me. I have had the weirdest feelings today and yesterday, mainly today, when I started to wonder why my period was late. Really. Very unexpected. I have been scared silly.
Talking to Deborah about her new pregnancy has also brought the whole reality of being newly pregnant way closer to home, and then with how I've been feeling and the late period..... Before I did the test I started to get really scared of being pregnant. That is not good, is it? I suddenly felt waaaay out of control of my body, and petrified of getting morning sick. I know that is such a biggie for me and always will be, because of my life-long phobia of vomiting, but I didn't realise I was this afraid until now.
I don't want fear to get in the way of having normal periods (my pregnancy books say that fear of pregnancy can cause you to have late periods or even miss one), or getting pregnant, or robbing me of any enjoyment of any part of being pregnant. I hate how fear has sucked such a lot out of my life already, and I don't want it anymore. Being pregnant and growing a new life inside me is too precious to have it all jaded by fear. But I don't know how to let go. I am really trying to relax and give it all to God, but so far I am just too wrapped up in the feelings and I honestly do not know how to let them go. I have been needing naps these past few days in the afternoon because I've just been so tired and yucky feeling, and today I lay there scared silly of being pregnant. Just the thought made my nausea get so much worse, and I started to think, "What am I thinking!!" I couldn't see the positive side of having a baby anymore - how ridiculous is that?!!! I long for pregnancy and motherhood. But right then, I was so afraid that all I could see was scary out-of-control pregnancy symptoms for weeks on end, being home alone while Neil is at work and feeling sick, nothing really changing and me not bonding with my baby because I'm too busy being scared and nauseous, and then at the end when I've had the baby, I got scared that everything would just be the same - cluttered house, Neil at work, me stuck at home with a baby that I couldn't imagine feeling bonded to. Of course that's not true, I am sure I will bond with my baby. But urgh, all those feelings and thoughts overwhelmed me this afternoon and it just felt so scary and too much for me, and I wanted my husband home from work to cuddle me and reassure me. I fell asleep instead and when I woke up I felt less gross and Neil was home from work so I got my cuddle and reassurance :)
But yuck, what a weird day or two. When I got the negative pregnancy result I was relieved. Is that bad? Am I normal? I just felt like, phew, I am not going crazy, I am not pregnant, I am not morning sick, I should just relax and let my period come, things are not outside of my "control" because we can still go for the timing we planned and not have things happen early. I really want the opportunity to KNOW we are trying for this baby and wanting it in every possible capacity from the second we make love. I want to wait and wonder and hope for two weeks, even though it will be killing me to wait!! I want to wonder if those little cells are grouping up in body parts and if my little bean is embedding in the wall of my womb yet. I will be gutted if I see that single line again, even though it was kind of reassuring to see it there on its own tonight. But I don't want to see that single line again. It was kind of fun to be practising a pregnancy test though, I must admit :) But I really want to know my baby from conception, and be waiting for that positive, not to find out by accident when we didn't quite plan it. I am just too picky probably! But that's how I wanted it.
So I hope my period turns up soon. Actually my temperature dropped this morning so it really should be here by now. Maybe overnight. Otherwise it's just being too weird. I hope it arrives soon. Then I can put the last cycle out of my head and get onto the cycle I've been waiting for since December. Maybe it's that hype that is making me late? I should stop thinking about it even. Go to bed and relax Alice. Well at this rate, the earliest we can TTC is no longer in June, but from July 1st. Come ON period! I think I will be a lot better for actually BEING pregnant and getting the waiting and worrying out of the way. I really wish I could stop stressing. I feel so silly that I do.
Anyway, in other news, I got my froggy wraps (see this entry for better photo) in the post from the States. They are lovely, I am so pleased with them. And by the way, Natural Babies is by faaaar the best diaper place I've ever bought from. Everyone should go there for their dipes. Colleen is the nicest lady and my wraps smelled faintly of lavender when they arrived which I thought was a lovely touch, and she included a freebie - a sachet of a herbal clay face mask! I was nothing but impressed with her service, and I asked her if she had a button that I could use in my diary to link her, but she doesn't :( So I'll make a link to her sometime soon over there on the left. Buy from Colleen. She is great! :)
Oh, oh, I almost forgot to say, I ordered a size 0 (newborn) Kissaluv diaper with my froggy wraps, just because I heard lots of mothers raving about them and that they were cute, etc. So I got one "just to see". Oh. My. Goodness. I nearly tossed the gorgeous froggy wraps over my shoulder when I saw it, the kissie was SO cute!!! It's a limited edition coloured one - mine is lilac with unbleached inner. It is soooo soft, and unbelievably tiny!!! It has a poppered down bit at the front for the umbilical cord to heal. I need more of these gorgeous nappies! I have decided that I will get one of each colour (there are five including the one I've got, plus an unbleached ivory colour) as a congratulatory present to myself when I get a positive pregnancy result :)
Anyway, I have to stop writing and go to bed now, but you have to see my new Kissaluv and the froggy wraps, so here's a photo. I made sure my hand was in it so you can see how tiny the kissie is. My hand is little, by the way! :) I'll write again soon. Send me menstrual vibes ;)
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