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2007-05-31 - 9.50pm��previous entry��next entry
Yet more 10DPO ramblings...
Oh thank you SO much everyone for the messages and notes!!! :) I really do appreciate them! I am relieved to read everyone's thoughts on what's going on with my cycle, though I notice that you guys seem divided on what you think is up, hehe!
In some ways I have not wanted to update here, for fear I'll get egg on my face if I write REALLY openly about what I'm thinking and hoping and feeling this cycle, with everyone watching me! I was the same way during my luteal phase with Matthew's pregnancy, because I felt excited and hopeful after the initial few days of the LP, and was symptom-spotting like mad! But after a while I stopped updating here, just kept a detailed log at my FF chart notes instead, because I felt like I could be pregnant, and it seemed so ridiculous to even think that, given the low odds! Also I felt unconfident about that instinct, so I kind of thought my period might show at any time and prove me wrong (hence the egg on face!). I have felt ambivalent with both my pregnancies early on, one moment being all convinced of a healthy pregnancy in progress, and the next absolutely SURE that my temp would drop the next morning and my period would surely show, even days AFTER I tested positive! So I know I'm like that. I am not confident to act too SURE, in case it all falls flat and my period somehow shows after all. The day I got my positive test with Matthew, I came here and filled in all the gaps with copied-and-pasted bits from my FF notes. With a positive test under my belt, I could finally share the thoughts I'd felt too silly to share before! I even said that at the time, too.
I feel very much the same this time, because:
a) This cycle IS different. I know I have cramps and mood swings when I'm not pregnant, but I wish I could explain it more clearly here - I have never had cramps this bad except when I'm bleeding on my period, or when I have been pregnant. I swear. I pretty much always have MILD cramps which I chart, during the LP before my period shows. Sometimes I have mild cramps from ovulation to my period. But I just want to be clear about it - these cramps are something I have never had outside of pregnancy before, or when I actually have my period. So that is very different for me. It doesn't mean I WON'T get my period, but if I do, it will be a first - to have cramps this bad early in my LP and just to get my period as normal.
b) The moods are also NOT my usual thing. I know from previous charts you can see that I'm a moody old bint (!) as my period approaches, or at least you have probably seen evidence from my diaries, haha! ;) I DO suffer from PMS, but never this badly before. The only times I have had awful hormones to this extent (moodwise) have been a few days into my period after chemical pregnancies. Since I'm not having a chemical pregnancy (as far as I know!) and I'm not even at that stage of my cycle yet, I know it's unrelated to that kind of thing. So that leaves NO other experiences of this level of hormonal moodiness. Seriously. I may get PMS as a norm before a period, but I'm telling you, this is NOT my norm. Maybe nothing, but it's worth me noting it because it's weird for me.
c) I HAVEN'T tested yet, but not because I don't feel pregnant. I did have a think about why I haven't tested yet though, after Jemma's message prompted me! If I'm honest, I am so thrown by my flat temps that I don't know what to think about testing. By 10DPO, pregnant or not, my chart is usually (always??) going up or down, and has been for some days. If I'm pregnant, my temps are always on the rise. So they're not, they're completely flat. I keep thinking, "Surely they can't stay flat like this much longer?! I'll see if there's a rise or dip tomorrow!" and then the next day it's always the same temp again! So I'm surprised by that and then I just end up thinking, "Well, I'll see what happens tomorrow then!" and so on. If my chart had been showing a rise in temps, I would DEFINITELY have tested by now. If I get a rise tomorrow I WILL test, expectantly! I know I said that last night, but my rise this morning was so slight, pretty much in keeping with the flat temps. I did think about testing but had this strange (and I DO mean strange, for me!) sense of calm about it. I just felt no need to know today, and was perfectly happy to wait to see what tomorrow's temp would be. It can't last forever! I HAVE to get a drop and a period, or else if I'm pregnant then my temp HAS to rise at some point. It's the flat temps for all this time that are making me feel so wait-and-see about things. A rising temp-line? I'd be testing like a crazy woman from like FOUR DPO, haha! Honestly, I would have been ;)
I'm aware that lots of people think I'm not pregnant, after reading everything I've written about my symptoms and stuff. I admit I feel hesitant to shout, "BUT I DO FEEL PREGNANT!!!" in the face of those watching eyes, hehe! It's the egg-on-my-face issue again. I will feel daft if I say it, and then get my period just as everyone told me I would, and then I will feel like everyone's thinking, "I told you so!" Which makes me feel cringey for some reason. So I don't want to say:
I feel like I might be pregnant, actually!
So just ignore that line, okay? ;)
Here's a new thing that noooobody can deny is a WEIRD and unfamiliar thing for me:
This afternoon at 4.45pm, I was playing with the boys downstairs, and I felt "something", so I went up to the loo to check, and found goop. Not watery goop - I'm not even sure what kind of goop it was, because I was too distracted by the decorative spotting on it! It was mostly brown, and a touch of pink, but ULTRA light and just streaked through the CM. I immediately thought, "Oh well, that's it then" and that's when I realised I felt kind of disappointed really. I sat on the toilet thinking how strange it was to have another cycle with my period arriving on a day that I had a high temp, and then I realised that I don't spot before getting my period. Ever. Now, I double checked my entire history of FF charts just in case anyone thinks it's something I might have had in the past without being pregnant! I have charted spotting TWO cycles ago, the day before my period started. That was pink spotting right after my smear test appointment, and it cleared up the same day, just going back to normal CM and then my period arrived the next day after a temp drop.
The other time I charted spotting was a couple of PP cycles after having Arthur, and I will ashamedly admit that I cheated a bit on that chart! ;) I had only a 6 day LP, and my period started around midnight as I was going to bed. Literally as I was about to get into bed, I noticed the start of my period, just a few spots of it (red flow though), so I quickly fixed myself up for the night and went to sleep! In the night (of course) I woke with my period in full flow. I was so desperate to see my LP longer than before (the previous one was only 4 days) that I cheated a little and charted spotting for that "just before midnight" appearance, and since it was then AFTER midnight and technically NOT the same day since I had already gone to bed for the night, once my full flow started up, I charted my period the NEXT day. *sigh* I know. So naughty ;)
But that is IT. I have no (NO!) experience of spotting of any sort or colour in my luteal phase before, EVEN in my pregnancy cycles - except that I did get very light brown spotting for one day at 17DPO with Arthur's pregnancy, and several days running starting at 15DPO with Matthew's. I had no spotting at any point with my chemical pregnancies.
So. I thought about that, and although I still thought that it was the start of my period, I did think it was weird of me, since I have never had that happen to me before. I never start my period with spotting, much less BROWN spotting. Isn't brown bleeding supposed to be old blood? That's what I was told the time I was bleeding loads in early pregnancy with Arthur. So, why would it be OLD if it's just starting up?
I decided to put just a pant liner on, although I felt sure my period was here. I have to note though, today I have not had ANY bad cramps, not once. I have had mild cramps, the same as I was having before these few days of bad ones. But no vice-like awful periody ones at all. I don't think I've been poorly, Meg. We're all healthy here, and these aren't "tummy" cramps at all, they're very much "womb" cramps, well familiar to me from period-time! I am tired out of my brains these days, and wondered if I was run down or something, but then it's prob just the late nights I have been having for way too long. Or my period coming - that does make me tired in the run up. OR pregnancy. Which makes me KNACKERED at this early stage.
Anyway, so I put the pant liner on and straightened my shoulders and decided to just take the boys out for a short walk to take my mind off it. I figured we'd only be out an hour and if I DID get my period full force, I wouldn't be embarrassed by huge staining to my crotch in just an hour! ;) I don't know why I put the pant liner on instead of the normal period thing - I guess I wanted to see what would happen clearly.
I felt the same "something" while we were out for a while, but then I stopped being distracted by it so much and enjoyed the walk with the boys. When we got home, I needed to start dinner, so I did that and then went to the loo (about an hour and 15 minutes after starting spotting) to check things. NO period! No red blood at all. In fact, barely anything. I had some pale brown streaked CM when I wiped, but only the tiniest bit. So I went back downstairs and finished cooking, and then Neil got home and I told him, "Well... I think my period is here?" (question-mark intended, I phrased it so unconfidently!) And to my amazement, well, that's a bit strong - surprise, then! - Neil said, "Oh!" and his whole body sank with disappointment! I said, "What?!" and he said it was a shame I wasn't pregnant! I said that I thought he wanted to wait till July and it was "too soon" and all that. He said, "Nah, I don't mind it at all!" Which, period or not, makes me HAPPY!!! :)
Oh, I forgot to mention - I spoke to Neil early in the afternoon on the phone while he was at work. We talked about this and that with the boys and then I told him I had no cramps today. He said, "And you temp hasn't dropped, right?" So I said yes. And he started URGING me to test! He said, "PLEASE test! Go and test right now!" Hehe! It was so strange for us to be doing it that way around - he's usually the voice of reason saying it's too early to test, and that I should just wait till my period is due, blah blah blah, while I hop about impatiently at like 3PDO, hehe! But I felt so calm telling him I was not going to test today, I would see what my temperature did tomorrow. He was most frustrated about that! ;)
ANYWAY, back to the point! So after dinner, I went to the toilet and checked again, and NO further anything, except when I wiped I had a tiny bit of normal CM with a trace of tan colour to it. After the boys went to bed, I checked again, and found only a slight yellow stain on the pantliner. It has cleared up! And no period has come of it!!!!
What's going onnnnnnnnnnnnn?!!!!
I'm actually SUPER excited now, because of the spotting! I DO. NOT. SPOT. unless I am pregnant. If I am not pregnant, then this cycle is totally weird and different to anything I've had before.
It's going on 10pm now and I have no spotting at all. I kept the same pant liner on to see what it all amounted to until it stopped, and it's really just a small amount of light brown staining. I know there was a tiny smidge of pink in the first bit though, but that's not apparent now. I decided to chart EWCM with the spotting, on my chart, because I never did check what kind of CM it was, but my memory is saying it was goopy enough to have possibly been EWCM-ish. Which I know is a possible pre-cursor for a period, but it wasn't watery (which is the main thing about that). Anyway, it's gone now, and I have normal (almost non-existant) CM.
Today I have been having to pee every few hours - I think I have peed 4 or 5 times today! Now, I know that's probably every normal person's minimum, haha! But I'm weird. I pee like once on rising and once before bed, and maybe once in between! I know, I know, I need to drink more! But even when I do, I forget to actually go and pee, and my bladder holds a LOT before I get desperate to go! Anyway, today I peed more. I guess I should chart that, pregnant or not? To compare with another cycle, at least. Last night I had to pee in the night, and in fact, now I think of it, I did that the previous two nights - something I never have to do normally, unless I have been drinking like crazy all evening to get my fluids up!
My appetite is okay today. I am not so OFF food in general and I get hungry quickly before meal times. But I don't think I will chart increased appetite today. I don't think it's that extreme.
I had a vivid dream last night, and have had a couple on other nights during this LP, but not hugely pregnant constant vivid dreams or anything!
Oh, I am blowing my nose a lot. This is just a note for if I AM pregnant, for personal reference when I'm TTC again in the future. Because I could have sworn the other times I was pregnant that I was more snotty than usual, without actually being congested or having a runny nose. I always have to blow my nose before bed, and I'm just a little bit snotty, you know? Anyway, I don't think I ever thought enough of that to mention on previous pregnancies, but I wondered about the correlation - and I think I read somewhere that it's common/normal in pregnancy to be a bit snotty! So anyway. I am that way these days. I don't have a cold or congestion, and my hayfever isn't currently acting up. That's quite distinctive to me because of all the itching and sneezing and watery runny nose. This is just... comfy nose that needs blowing, haha!
Anyway.
I feel physically uncomfortable saying it, because people are "watching me" (!!) and think I'm wrong, and of COURSE my period will show if I say it, but I do feel like I am pregnant. I just do. No, tonight, especially after the spotting, I REALLY do. I actually am hating saying it, I feel like a spotlight is on me and I feel like cringing and hiding on the floor, lol! You know like those dreams where you go out in public feeling cheerful and everyone laughs and points and then you look down and you're naked?! ;) Well, like that. My period showing up will be like finding out I'm naked for all to see, or something! I mean, if it DOES, then hey ho. I guess I will feel slightly disappointed because I would like to be pregnant even now (despite the April baby longings!), and now more than ever because I genuinely do think I might be pregnant. I would be saying, "Oh my gosh, I am just ONE HUNDRED percent sure I'm pregnant!" if my chart was more like I expect it to look when pregnant. But it's so perplexing, so weird for me! It's the only thing really throwing me. I'll see what happens tomorrow. I am starting to really think I'm not getting my period today, because my temp is high and the spotting has completely gone, I feel hot (sort of internally hot, you know?), and have absolutely no signs that my period is about to show before bed. I feel very UN-periody, actually. Like my body is in neutral.
I DID wonder about whether I was feeling that "sewn up inside" feeling earlier, while I was nursing Arthur in bed. But I thought better of it. It wasn't distinct enough, and I wondered if it was just something to do with angles, lying on my side while I had some mild cramps. I DO feel so "congested" in my uterus, or the area near it at least. Heavy and just.... I don't know how to describe it. Congested is the word that I want to say, but I don't know if it describes it well enough for people reading. It's not a comfy feeling, anyway! It could be a period setting up, because the lining of my uterus would be really thick right now, about to shed off, so that could account for it.
Okay, I could probably waffle on for another two hours, so I had better stop! I'm sure there were things I meant to say or wanted to include this entry, but I can't think of anything right now. I'll update as soon as I can in the morning, though I'm on my own with the boys, so I might not get the chance till they are both napping mid-afternoon. I will update either to day I have my period, or a temp drop, or a RISE and thus a test (and its result!). Or just to say everything's neutral and I don't know what to think (again!)! I will update no matter what. It helps me stay sane while I wait at this stage of my cycle! I always find my diary a great sanity preserver at the end of my luteal phase! :)
BUT! If I am getting my period and it really doesn't come tonight, then WOOHOO - 11DPO tomorrow!!!! That means if it arrives tomorrow, I will have my 10 day luteal phase, hooray! If it doesn't get to 11 days, I think I might still take the Vitamin B6. It can't hurt (maybe it'll help my PMS!) and the Real TTC cycle is now sooooo close! Next cycle is the last one before we start!!!! Wheeee!
Okay, I am going. Not sure what to do now, but I feel hot and buzzy so maybe I'll.... I don't know! Fidget around excitedly, probably, checking my pants every ten seconds, haha! I will try to think of something wind-down-ish to do before bed. Maybe I'll even have another early (for me!) night?
Anyway, thank you ALL again for the messages and notes! It cheers me to know that people are reading at a time like this! :)
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