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2005-08-17 - 11:00 p.m.��previous entry��next entry
Weirdness
Okay, what is up with my cycle this month?!!!
So after that oopsie, I had another day of EWCM and fertile cervix, and then that finished, and my temp went up nicely as though I had ovulated. But two days later it was back down again and the coverline that Fertility Friend gave me was taken away, saying that I had not ovulated after all. Meanwhile the EWCM starts up again and I have now had FIVE days of it in a row, which I never had before. If you read me when I was TTC Arthur, you'll remember that I NEVER used to get any EWCM. In fact, I have never had a cycle anything like this before. I know it must be hormones adjusting or just being messed up from breastfeeding, but man it's weird. I honestly don't know what is going to happen. I'm currently on CD27, which is normally when I would be expecting to see my period in the next day or so. But not this time because I haven't ovulated yet. I know the fertile patches indicate that my body has been TRYING to ovulate. I hope it will succeed soon, because much as I like having a slightly extended break from a crampy period, I do like to see my body working right. I think I would feel blue if I did not ovulate at all this cycle, and I don't know how long it might last if that was the case. Ages, possibly.
Also, in this fertile patch that I'm currently on, we have had two more oopsies. Anyone would think we are trying to make a baby! ;) Which, let's face it, is probably what we are doing. We're not really admitting it, but that's what we're doing, now isn't it? I find myself waiting with baited breath to see my temp in the morning incase I have actually managed to ovulate, and then I scuttle off to my chart to see what our chances might be, given the timing of ovulation. I find myself hoping so much that we timed it well for a baby.
But at the same time, WHAT AM I THINKING?!! My little one is still a baby! He needs my milk, which will be not-so-plentiful once I am pregnant. He is just getting to an active age where he needs my constant attention and involvement. How on earth could I keep up with that if I feel as morning sick and bleurgy as I did when pregnant with him?! I would feel so much like I was letting him down if that happened.
But (again), let's be realistic. My luteal phase and all that. Not gonna happen unless that has somehow miraculously improved.
Which, let's face it, could very easily happen if God decides it's time.
Contradictory me.
I'm glad the last thing to hit me in that back-and-forth conversation was about God. Because ultimately he is in control of when we have our children. So phew, that is a relief! That was my feeling earlier before I got all freaked out wishing for pregnancy and being scared of the same. I just felt like, well if we want to have parsnips then there is no reason to use protection. Arthur is old enough now (though still soooo little!) so that if we did find out that I was pregnant it would be okay. He CAN go without my milk if he HAS to. I don't want him to. But he is taking solids really well this week, proper meals and everything. And there are only 3 months to go till our absolutely definite plan of TTC anyway. That is really not very long. In any case, if it is not the right time for us to have another baby, no amount of super-fertility or 5 parsnips a day will get me pregnant. But if God has plans for me to have another baby, he will make it happen even if we were using protection. So I know I can relax about that - we both feel the same way on that one. So we don't bother with protection.
I have been taking my 50mg Vitamin B6 almost the whole of this cycle. I wonder if that will actually do anything to help my luteal phase. I hope hope hope it will. Somewhere inside I am longing for this cycle to result in a pregnancy. I don't know where that came from. I guess it hit me when we had an oopsie and thought about the consequences. I know I will not have to bother testing because I will likely get my period a few days to a week after ovulating. I feel sad that it's highly likely that we will conceive but that it's almost impossible that the lil blasty will succeed at implanting because my darn womb will clear itself out before it's finished fixing itself in :( That feels so sad to me. I know that's silly because there's nothing to be sad over, since nothing ever started. But anyway.
On the other hand, in some ways I feel soooo not ready to have another baby! I keep thinking of the practicalities and that scares me! My back. Neil's study (if it goes ahead, if he doesn't get this job he's applying for). Arthur's milk. Morning sickness or equally disabling early pregnancy symptoms affecting my time with my lil Boo. Arthur not being my baby anymore.
But I am not remotely worried about the potential age gap. It would be 18 months. That is as short as we ever considered having, and we know plenty of families with children that age apart. In fact there is a lovely family at church who have four children, each 18 months apart! I remember babysitting for them a lot when I was a brand new Christian at church, and at that time their fourth child had just been born. They had four children under five. Anyway, now they are between 14 and 9 and I have LOVED watching them grow up over the years. I always think what a lovely family they are, and how their kids are such nice ages in comparison with each other. I don't think I could do four with such small age gaps, but I am not phased by seeing families who do, and I do think it's wonderful for the children as they grow up to be so close in age. VERY hard work on the parents though, early on!
Anyway.
I added more blinkies. I am restless. I added one that I'm excited about - trying to conceive a 2006 baby!!! Yay! Because it's true, no matter if we try now or when we originally planned to.
I don't know whether to say we're officially trying to conceive right now. I don't think we would say that at all actually. I think we would still say, "Not trying, not preventing" (new ticker saying that too!), but these last few days seem to be pushing that to the limits a bit! I don't know. All I know is that we aren't actually really really TTC just yet. We just happen to have had parsnips a few times when I happen to have been showing lots of fertile signs. And now I happen to be excited and hopeful about the outcome. And nervous and sad about the likely result.
But again, I am jumping the gun, because I haven't even ovulated yet. And maybe I won't? Who knows. I am just watching and seeing every day because I never had a cycle like this before so it's all new to me. You can't really predict what will happen. I'm excited to see how long my luteal phase will be though, when it finally gets here! Even if I am not pregnant. I just hope to see some improvement in the length. Otherwise I will go on to 100mg Vitamin B6 next cycle. I really hope THAT works though. Otherwise I don't know how to get fertile enough to make another baby :(
But, we'll see. I am sure to update again soon, given what has happened so far this cycle!
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