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2003-09-07 - 11.40pm��previous entry��next entry
Weirdness - Cycle Day 24
I have had a weird day and I don't know what to make of it really. I have been nauseous all day since about 11am, and my cramps have become as bad as when I actually have my period. They are there all the time, from when I woke this morning till right this second, and I have never ever had them this bad before my period has actually started. I am retaining fluid a bit because my skin is squidgy (!!), especially on my tummy, hips and face. I often retain fluid like that when I've actually GOT my period, but not before. And I often feel sick on the first day of my period, once it's arrived. But is my period here? No. Is it even due yet?! Nope. Still fitting my maternity bras, and I am feeling a bit better since about 9pm. This afternoon I had a pale / lightheaded / fainty moment, so I lay down in bed and took my blood pressure when it hadn't cleared up after a while. It was 110/64 which is normal for me. So I stayed in bed and slept for an hour. I felt way better when I woke up, but most of the yuckiness came back before I got out of bed, so I've spent a lot of the afternoon lying about and feeling kind of gross. I feel like I have let myself down by getting soooo baby-focused again, and now I can't seem to stop it until my period turns up. Like I suspected, today I have managed to get my hopes up again and I wish I hadn't because my period will probably turn up and then I'll be all squished again.
I phoned my mum to tell her my period's coming and we talked a bit about things. As I was telling her how I was feeling physically, it just sounded to my ears more and more like these could be pregnancy symptoms, and there they went - my hopes flapping their wings again. It really is way too early for me to be getting my period. My shortest cycle EVER was last cycle, and it was 25 days long. If I get my period today (which is how things feel) I would have had a 23 day cycle, so that would be weird. 25 days was weird, so much so that I would be surprised if I ever had a cycle that short again. So my period should NOT be here until at least Tuesday. And it's Sunday. This is where I wish I had charted this cycle, because I would have no confusion at all if I had known when I ovulated. I would know when to expect my period, whether it was going to be early or normal or late.
Neil and I talked a lot about all this today, and we are wondering if I should temp again next cycle just so I can tell when I have actually ovulated, because so far in our time of TTC, the only two months I have not charted have been a nightmare of not having a clue when to expect things and I was so much less stressy about that when I charted. But charting brings too much of a focus on TTC, which I think I should avoid for a while. We are thinking maybe I could temp on waking but not chart it or write it down, just so I can see when it spikes. But then what if my temps are skewy and I can't remember if that one I took a few days ago was a spike after all or something? And surely temping will still make me TTC-focused, because if I haven't had a temperature spike yet then I'll know the pressure is still on to conceive before I ovulate, and when it does spike then even sub-consciously I will know the heat is off, and I don't want that to affect our sex life! Aaaargh. Wouldn't it just be way simpler if I was pregnant this cycle and didn't have to worry about all that?!
Also my cycle buddy from last cycle is pregnant. I checked my TTC boards this morning and there she is with her BFP (big fat positive). I am so happy for her, because this was her 7th cycle and she was starting to get so depressed about it when she hadn't conceived. We cheered each other up when we both got our periods last cycle. But I also feel a bit low that I'm not pregnant with her. Oh well.
Sandy, my friend from camp phoned me today, out of the blue. She is the one who talked huge sense into me while we were at camp, because she is so God-focused and was never able to have children, though she and her husband tried for many years. So it helped to hear her reassure me and understand my feelings. I worry that I am being patronising when I share how I feel after 3 months TTC, with someone who has struggled for years or who has never succeeded. They are real feelings and therefore are valid, but sometimes I feel so whiney. I don't whine with other people, just here and with myself (!!), but in my attitude sometimes I feel whiney. It's always better once I get my period and have a couple of days to adjust to starting again though.
My Emma Jane maternity bra has an uncomfortable seam. This is good to know, because now I can avoid buying any more of those. They seem great but this seam hurts. My Marks & Spencers maternity bra is fab. And I want to try out Mothercare ones. I am glad to be doing a bit of research into comfort before I need them! :) Plus it's fun.
I have eaten rubbishly today, as I've been feeling too sick. I ate a sandwich at lunchtime which I regretted, but I missed breakfast and picked at dinner. I ate more after 9pm though, when I felt a bit better. Maybe it's IBS? That's pretty bad at the moment and I am good at being reeeally nauseous with that, though not usually so long without a break. I took my folic acid tonight. Got to get back on track with that. I hope it isn't all for nothing if I am not even going to conceive till like next year or something. I complain too much. Didn't I say I hate diaries where people complain all the time?!! Hehe! Especially pregnancy-related ones.
So I will stop complaining. I am genuinely thrilled to be at the stage of life and secure enough and ready to try for a baby. That is a gift all by itself!! I am ovulating, and my periods are turning up nice and frequently/regularly! So yay, another gift - the opportunity to keep on trying. All the while my husband is so wonderful and we are more in love and more close every day. I have supportive friends and a supportive family who are sensitive about the fact that we are trying to conceive. And I have a great support network online. Plus we are healthy and surely we will get there eventually. If my period is about to arrive then I will gladly accept it because I cannot get pregnant without it so these things are precious to me. Best of all I have a God who has promised to meet all my needs and who has plans to give me a hope and a future, to prosper me and not to harm me. He is on my case, and he knows much better than I do about when the time is right for us to have a baby. So I am very blessed indeed. And I feel so great having written out those things! :) I'm going to pray and then sleep. And hopefully whatever happens tomorrow I can stay positive and not let my focus get too out of hand. Thanks for being great friends to me. I really mean that, even if you don't think you are because you don't know me and you only signed my guestbook once or something. That still meant the world to me and I feel so supported, so thank you! :)
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