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2005-09-10 - 10.49pm��previous entry��next entry
To wait, or not to wait? That is the question...
Thank you for the notes and messages after last cycle! Julie, I do struggle with giving control of TTC to God. It's something I reeeally like to be in control of! I think I am giving more of it to him than ever before now though. The one thing I can't bear to do is stop charting. I just LOVE charting! It's like my favourite fun thing to do each day, to see how my hormones are changing subtley all the time, but part of a perfect clockwork thing that can result in a pregnancy, or a chance to try again. So amazing. I get absolutely frantic if I can't see what is going on when I am wondering if I might be pregnant. The TIMING of the pregnancy I am definitely giving to God more these days. I hope!
Well we were very undecided at the end of last cycle, which looks like a chemical pregnancy, as to whether we would continue to TTC or wait till our original planned time (the end of this year). At the beginning of this cycle we thought we would wait until my fertile time and then decide. Then a few days ago we talked about it for a long time and decided that we would wait. I felt so weirdly relieved when I got my period, and so scared before when I really thought I was pregnant. Soooo unexpected! I really wanted to be pregnant, and then my feelings did a one-eighty on me! Also we both want to focus on just Arthur for a while longer. He is so lovely and gets more wonderful to be around every single day at the moment.
Also if we conceive when we originally planned, the baby would be born 22 months after Arthur, which we both think is a lovely gap. Neil likes a 2 year gap, and I do too, but I don't want to go toooo much bigger than 2 years, so if we DIDN'T conceive right away then I think it would stress me out somewhat. Even giving God the control! Which probably means I WOULDN'T be giving God the control, as I would find it terribly hard when I wanted it so much. Urgh.
Also we would have a September baby. Or October or November (again!) if it took us more than one cycle to conceive. I don't want to think any further ahead than that at the moment. I just hope we have conceived by the time the gap would be 2 years! September or October would be a LOVELY time of year to have a baby. November was lovely too, but I just like those other months so much. A nice time of year to have a birthday, and one of the eldest in the school year too.
Soooo. That's what we decided. I kept coming back and saying, "Oh but it seems such a SHAME not to make use of a perfectly good fertile cycle!" 
But Neil reminded me what we decided. The thing is, this cycle is suspisciously stable-looking. You remember I said that after the last chemical pregnancy, I had a very "stable" cycle with extremely stable temps (even flat temps), and ovulation bang on 14 days, followed by, well, Arthur 9 months later!! Well I am sure last cycle was a chemical pregnancy. I am now on CD14 of this new cycle, and for the first 12 days my temps were either 36.1-something or 36.2-something (I am using my new 2 decimal place fertility thermometer!!). Verrry stable. And how WEIRD, my pregnancy cycle with Arthur had pretty flat temps, either 36.1 or 36.2 for the whole pre-ovulatory phase! Just a weird coincidence, but very uncanny. Anyway my temps haven't been anything LIKE this stable since having Arthur, till now. Although I did have a big dip yesterday and back up a little today. But it has been weirdly stable for me so far.
I have EWCM early - it started CD8!!! So perhaps I will even ovulate at an earlier, more normal time for the first time since having Arthur too. I just FEEL so stable, hormonally. I can't explain it. Everything feels like this cycle will be an absolutely excellent chance to become pregnant. IF we try. So the fact that my cycle seems so promising is making it very hard to ignore it and avoid making a baby! I think it's much more so because of all the trying we did for Arthur and how we just constantly had to make use of every possible opportunity because it seemed to be difficult to conceive. Now it seems almost naughty of us to miss such a golden opportunity! Silly, I know. When I told Neil all this, he agreed with me and said he felt the same way, but yeah, it's not really a reason to TTC if we don't quite feel like it's the right time.
The other thing that makes me think my hormones are more stable than they have been in YEARS, is the old parsnip drive! Now, my parsnip drive has been sluggish to say the least for many a year, like SIX years (basically most of our marriage really!). I never used to get interested in parsnips when I was at my most fertile point in my cycle like I heard so many others reporting at FF. Now I do. So, now I'm fertile, and we just the other day decided to WAIT a few months before TTC. Now my hormones are responsible for another oopsie! Tsk! ;) I know we could have used protection, but we decided we'd not bother and give it to God. I am using OPKs (ovulation predictor kits) this cycle and had another negative today, so I'm not about to ovulate or anything. I know I might the next day, but parsnips today does not make perfect timing for conception. Besides, we figured if I get pregnant, it's meant to be, and we will be fine. Scared feelings are sure to happen whenever we conceive anyway!
So that is the latest update. But, oopsie aside, we do plan to wait now until late December/early January, if I have a fertile patch coinciding with that time. If I have a cycle STARTING around that time then we'll wait till further into January. We had always planned to miss out October and November for TTC anyway, to avoid a summer baby. I love summer babies, but I don't love being heavily pregnant or pushing another person out of my body in searing heat with no A/C! And I am not crazy about my 4-years-and-1-month-old starting school just because his/her birthday falls right at the end of the academic year. I like 5 for a school-starting age. It feels just right. Nursery for 3 and 4 year olds, great, but I want to keep my little ones little and deuniformed until they are 5 or near enough! Arthur will be 2 months shy of his fifth birthday when he starts school, and I like that a lot.
But who knows if more oopsies may occur. I am an unpredictable woman these days, hahaha! ;)
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