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2005-08-29 - 11.35pm��previous entry��next entry
Definite closure, and some comparisons...
Thanks so much for all the messages about my feelings last entry. You guys really help me with your encouraging words and wise advice :)
My temperature dropped to 36.1 this morning, still above the coverline but basically almost a full degree from my triphasic temps up until yesterday. I still have my period, and it has gradually become less weird throughout the day. I am cramping more now like normal, and my loss has stopped being pink/grey/brown and become the normal red.
The weirdest thing though - I seem to have suddenly STARTED feeling all pre-menstrual, even though it's the wrong time for that now! My breasts are suddenly sooooooo sore, like two bruises, and my moods are wild and crazy. Every tiny thing that I can possibly take the wrong way, I am taking reeeally sensitively and getting upset about it. Poor Neil can't seem to say anything right. Also I have no hold on my temper whatsoever today. I'm not a lose-my-temper person, so that's always a weird thing for me. It's much more than just when I get snappy or irritable. I just have zero tolerance for anything and keep feeling like smashing stuff up!!! Which I haven't done, thankfully! ;) But yeah.
This evening Neil picked up on how violent my moods seemed to be (yikes!) and I suddenly remembered, completely out of the blue, that time when I had a chemical pregnancy the cycle before Arthur was conceived. I said to Neil, "Oh my goodness! Don't you remember that time after I had a chemical pregnancy when I smashed the printer?!" (anyone remember that from waaaay back when?!) It just came to me all of a sudden. Neil remembered too and we both realised how similar I am feeling/acting to that cycle. I went back in my diary and found this - it happened on day 3 of my new cycle after the chemical pregnancy. I am currently on day 2 of this cycle:
"Yesterday I felt very weird though - it's like I am GETTING my period, that's how my moods are. I never had this before, ever, not AFTER a period. Yesterday I was enormously snappy and irritable, which is my normal way BEFORE a period (which was notably absent before my last one). I did something I cannot believe I did - it's so shameful and unlike me. The printer would not work yesterday morning. I needed to print out some hormone levels on a chart to take to my doctor. It would not work and would not work, and my doctor's appointment drew nearer and nearer. I couldn't get through to Neil at work to ask him what to do, because every time I phoned, he had voicemail on. Eventually, I picked the printer up, still whirring away trying to print, held it above my head, and smashed it down onto the floor as hard as I could!!! How ashamed was I the nanosecond after I did it?! I felt quite afraid - it's not me at ALL to do something like that. I just couldn't contain my anger suddenly. So weird. The printer is cracked in 3 places and the top came off, but it's not broken - phew! I then phoned Neil and calmly informed his voicemail that the problem was solved - I smashed the printer up ;) Fortunately he is the most marvellous husband ever and was actually understanding (even though he said I was naughty when he got home!)!! He said his workmates got a kick out of hearing that Neil's wife was so hormonal that she smashed their printer on the ground! I don't think it's funny. I felt really weird, not like me at all. Anyway, then last night I was really weepy and just felt overwhelmingly lonely. So I don't know what's going on with my emotions really. Or whether it's hormones or not. I am being weird though."
So with that little reminder, we are feeling more confident than ever that I have had a chemical pregnancy. Which is code for ultra-early miscarriage, I guess. When I saw my doctor after the last one, he said you can't really count it as a pregnancy since it occurs before you'd even know you were pregnant, unless you were charting or whatnot. Which I know, and I won't dwell on it. But I am glad to be able to pin it down and have a reason for my crazy symptoms lately. And VERY thrilled to have been able to conceive despite my wacky cycles since Arthur was born.
I guess my hormones are recovering from having started to be all pregnant or something. I do feel less insecure and weird and scared though, which is a big relief.
We are going to wait till my next fertile window before deciding whether or not to TTC again this cycle. We may end up waiting till our original planned time comes up - late December/early January. I know I won't feel much different about Arthur by then, but it makes me feel like I gave him a year all to himself. And my milk aplenty for his first year too. Although I have been thinking about that already, and I'm thinking that if I manage to get pregnant again next cycle, Arthur will be about 10.5 months old when I conceive. Soooo that only leaves 6 weeks till his first birthday. Surely my milk would hold out that long? I read messages on boards from mamas who are pregnant and still breastfeeding. Lots of them are like 14 or 15 weeks pregnant with no signs yet of their milk drying up. Lots of them seem to notice a huge drop by 20 weeks though. But see, that would give Arthur lots of mama milk till after his first birthday, and then I would not have to supplement with formula if I had less than ideal amounts of milk after that, because he would no longer need it, nutritionally. He could have cow's milk and dairy and all sorts. Plus whatever he could still squeeze out of me! ;)
Ahhhh, I just want to do the right thing by my little man. Today I am so glad to be just "Mummy" for him. Well, slightly moody Mummy, but not nauseous Mummy, or Mummy who is kind of distracted by other little bean-type-person. I am just all there for him and that feels like a relief. I love him so.
I think that is all I wanted to write, and I can't think of anything else. We decided I should chart my faint whispery line on that test as a positive pregnancy test. It doesn't matter now anyway, but it soothes me to see it there against all those wacky symptoms. It's the only thing on my chart that reassures me that I'm not crazy! Well, that and my temperatures! Those were pregnant temps :)
But I'm happy and settled and I will be more so when my hormones go back to what they should be in the next few days (judging by my diary entries from that last cycle). In fact, it's encouraging because just 12 days from now, in that cycle, Arthur was conceived! :) So it's entirely possible. And in fact my temps were really flat the cycle I conceived Arthur, and that is a sign that hormones are very stable. So at the time I remember wondering if the chemical pregnancy had kick-started my hormones into behaving more normally or something! And then came Arthur.... So I think we have an excellent chance of conceiving this cycle. I am not sure whether to take that chance or not yet. We will see. And I will keep updating as my cycle progresses.
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