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2005-08-28 - 11.10pm��previous entry��next entry
Unexpected and weird....
Seriously weirdly weird weirdnesses happening here. Haha, Word hated that sentence!! ;) Or maybe not so weird, and I�m just looking through the wrong glasses?
Eleven days past ovulation, and my temp was still the same as it has been for the last 4 days. Plus OH MY GOSH I was so nauseated this morning from about 5.30 (nursing Arthur). Not any time I woke before then, but soooo bad from that time onwards. I really worried that I would be sick. Exactly the same as the previous morning. I had real trouble getting any breakfast down, like yesterday. And, exactly like yesterday, the worst of the nausea faded to waves of queasiness mid-morning, and got worse again towards the evening.
But everything is contradictory today. This morning I tested with my Clearblue test AND one of my cheapy internet tests with the same urine, and the cheapy one was definitely negative. I didn�t even see a shadow of anything today. But there was a definite line on the Clearblue. It took an age to come up, but it appeared well within the time limit. The only thing was that it was SO faint that you almost really couldn�t see it at all. You had to have it angled just right in the light. But it was there, not shadowy or anything. At first Neil was saying he couldn�t see it. Later on he admitted there was definitely a line, but it was so faint that it was almost disappearing and reappearing depending on how you looked at the test! So we decided I couldn�t really call that a positive test, even though they say a line is a line. Neil described it as the definite presence of a faint to non-existent line! Hehe!
Also we wondered if maybe the test was just faulty. The test-working line showed up fine, and the control line too. But it is old. It is left over from when I tested positive with Arthur, 18 months ago. But the expiry date is 12/05, so that means it should still be fine. It hasn�t sat in less-than-ideal surroundings, it has just been sitting in my bedside table drawer all this time. So we decided that I would save up my pee for the next 6 hours, and we all went to the supermarket this afternoon and bought a twinpack of Clearblue pregnancy tests. I asked if they had any more sensitive than Clearblue but the lady said not. Our shopping trolley looked so funny! I am having such a hard time eating anything that we ended up stocking up on bland nibbly snacky foods that sometimes helped me last time I had morning sickness. Also we didn�t actually need many other items, other than milk. So the trolley just contained Arthur, at the front (!), and then pregnancy tests, water crackers, rice cakes, digestive biscuits, rich tea biscuits, apple juice, and a huge bag of plain pasta!! Hmmm, what does YOUR trolley say about you?!! Hehehe.
Anyway then when we got home it was lunch time for Arthur, swiftly followed by nap time, and once Arthur was asleep I had planned to use one of the new Clearblue tests.
While I was nursing Arthur to sleep I had 10 minutes of musing time, and I seemed to use it to completely PANIC about the very real possibility of being pregnant again. Yesterday this happened too. The thing is, today I am so panicked about it that it�s like I changed my mind. I feel scared to have another baby just yet. I don�t know why, when we felt so ready just a couple of weeks ago, and when I was sooooooooo hoping I wouldn�t get my period just like a day or so ago. I figured maybe it was just normal anxieties, but the feelings were just so strong. I lay there nursing my precious one, and just did not want anything to stop him being my one-and-only. I felt positively tearful about the idea, and suddenly realised that I may have made the wrong decision. I feel like I have been a bad mummy. I don�t think it�s a good time for Arthur to have part of me re-directed away from him towards another baby. I remembered what I said about his mama milk just last month, and how that was more important than having a baby when I wanted to. And what have I done? I�ve just decided that, oh, I fancy having another cute little bundle to love, so yeah I think I will just ignore the really good reasons for waiting, and go ahead, just because it pleases me to do so, without really thinking about my poor little squiffle who doesn�t have any choice but to tag along when my milk dries up, or bear the wrath of a snappy pregnant mama (did I mention that I just wanted to pull his HEAD OFF yesterday when he would not stop screeching fit to make my ears buzz in the car? He was so cheerful with it too. And I shouted, �STOP IT!!!� at him at one point. I can�t believe I shouted at him. I just absolutely could not tolerate the sound, I just can�t describe it to you. I felt so utterly horrible, my poor little love. I�m so ashamed to even write about it where other people can read it. He was not remotely bothered by my outburst though, thankfully), or have to share me with a new sibling when he�s so tiny and needy still himself. I felt sooooo bad. Arthur lay there contented and sleepy, nursing sweetly at my breast until he fell asleep, and he was just so innocent of it all � the possibility of another baby on the way, the way that he was blissfully ignorant of the fact that the clock was already ticking on his time as a precious �one-and-only� baby, and possibly his days of bliss with his mama milk were numbered too. I wanted to cry with how bad I felt about it. I felt like I had done something terribly wrong to him, and that hurt like a raw wound because of how fiercely I love him.
Then I tried thinking of a new little person who would be just as precious as Arthur (except I don�t like the idea of anybody else being AS precious as my lovely Arthur!), and wondered about whether I already had this little person growing inside me. And then a whoooole new panic hit me, which was that of losing the new little person. Man, I was being so negative! I just started thinking that I would probably fall in love with the new bean, and my milk would dry up, and then just as that happened I would lose my new bean and miscarry. That just felt worse than anything. I felt like I would rather not be pregnant at all right now than have that possibility ahead of me. I suddenly felt like I would rather just have Arthur. All this risk and stuff made me wish I was just snuggling with my lil Boo without the worry/hype/excitement of whether I am pregnant or not again, for a while longer. I just kept thinking, �Arthur is all I need. What have I done?! Surely he�s all I could ever need?!� over and over.
I started to pray after all these thoughts. It just became necessary! :) But I ended up praying that if there was a reason why my pregnancy was not viable and would not be able to progress, that God would please just let me not get any further down the line with it. That I would rather not experience it than break my heart in a few weeks and lose my bean. I don�t know if that�s true � that I would rather not experience it. But I was scared to break my heart. So I prayed that if it was not to be that it would just end now, rather than later.
Arthur was asleep by then, so I got up and shook the feelings and thoughts off fairly easily, and went downstairs to test with a new Clearblue. I did notice at this point that I had not had the urge to pee all this time that I had been saving up for the test, which was unusual. Also today my skin doesn�t feel so soft to me. Neil says it still is, but I don�t think it is as much.
Well, I opened the test and read the instructions. I pulled down my pants to pee on the stick, and got the shock of my life to see blood on them. I mean, it literally took my breath away � I was so not expecting to see it. I just stared at it for a few seconds, not breathing, and then with the very next breath I was saying, �Thank goodness for that!� How WEIRD am I?!! My reaction shocked me as much as the blood did. I was genuinely relieved, and yet I was amazed to have that reaction, as I never thought I would feel relieved to get my period EVER. I think it is my period. There wasn�t a huge amount of blood, and it wasn�t quite like my period normally is, so there is a chance it could be some bleeding to do with implantation, as spotting and bleeding at this stage in pregnancy is very common. But I assumed it was my period, and 8 hours later I am quite crampy, perhaps more than I have been this past week, and have had more bleeding. It isn�t normal bleeding for me though. I normally have red flow. This is brownish and mucousy. I hope you aren�t eating while you�re reading! ;) But I write every detail in my diaries, as you probably already know if you�ve read me for any length of time! :)
Also I am still sooooooo nauseous. It has been better during the afternoon, when I just felt queasy and yucky, like yesterday. Then this evening it has been getting worse again (just like yesterday) and I have struggled to eat any of my spaghetti bolognese. It�s sitting on a plate next to me right now, so that I can keep trying to nibble at it and hopefully manage to get a decent amount of nutrition into me over the course of the evening. Why would I still feel sick as a dog if I have my period? And then I think about my prayer right before I found the blood.
I do think I have been pregnant, whether or not I still am. My chart speaks volumes, although I know you can get a pregnant-looking chart without being pregnant, I really don�t think it would be looking like that on just one cycle of Vit B6 and vaguely recovering hormones, after the previous cycles I�ve had!! That is definitely a pregnant chart. Also the symptoms are hard to dismiss. The peeing and stuff especially. I can�t make those up. And there is still a line, however faint, on that test I took this morning. So�. A chemical pregnancy perhaps? I had one the cycle before Arthur was conceived, and I know that they are often followed by a successful pregnancy (statistically, and in my own experience), so next cycle??? But now that I�ve had all these feelings, I don�t know if we should wait a while before TTC again. I just don�t know.
Neil and I talked about it all this evening. He said he isn�t disappointed as such. He couldn�t really pinpoint his feelings on it. He still thinks I am pregnant, even though I am bleeding. He can�t explain why he thinks it, he says it�s just a feeling. We talked a long time about Arthur and the impact of bringing another baby into the family on him. It�s hard because I don�t think these feelings will go away, and eventually we will have to get around to having another baby! So surely we can just get on with that sooner rather than later if time won�t make a difference to the feelings. But the feelings are so hard to deal with, so doesn�t that make them reason enough to wait while they are so strong? But will they always be that strong? Urgh. I don�t know if I feel ready, or feel like I want to try to conceive again next cycle. I don�t know if my feelings are LARGELY influenced by hormones at this time (entirely possible!) and thus might seem very different in a week when my hormones have all died down again. I still plan to chart like crazy next cycle and take the B6 and use OPKs and stuff to help pinpoint my ovulation, etc, regardless of whether we TTC or not. Do we wait till December/January then, like we had originally planned? Or will we still feel the same way then? Will we finally try and then take forever to conceive, and I will always kick my own butt for not trying sooner? Life can feel so complicated sometimes! I need to remember that God is in control. Sometimes just that realisation is like I have been carrying a WARDROBE on my shoulders, full of clothes, all day long in the heat of the sun, dragging it behind me, not allowed to take a break or walk in the shade for one single second. And then somebody comes along and says, �See, there is a soft comfy bed over there in the cool breeze under that leafy tree. The sheets are turned back ready and waiting. I will take the wardrobe for you while you take a nap.� And I say, �How long will you let me rest?� and the somebody says, �Just whenever you�re refreshed and ready.� And then I sink wearily but blissfully into that GORGEOUS bed (that�s the moment that I compare with realising God is in control � it gives me THAT much relief, honestly), and when I wake up, there�s a note on the pillow saying, �Don�t worry about that wardrobe. I took care of it for you and you�ll never have to carry it again.� My God is so wonderful :)
So that is my weird day. I am waiting on two things to confirm that this is my period. One, I am going to check my cervix in a bit, at my normal cervix-checking time, and see if it�s open. Open = womb emptying. Closed = womb occupied! And two, my temperature tomorrow morning. Today�s temp was still high and in line with my triphasic temps. If I do have my period, I should see a low temp tomorrow, probably below my coverline. If I don�t then something is up. But I am crampy and I think I have my period. But I do think I conceived and, judging by the symptoms I was having, implanted too. But either God totally answered my prayers (for which I am super thankful, given the possible alternative that could have happened a few weeks down the line, which I was praying that he would prevent), or, I don�t know. It just wasn�t meant to be. Which I figured as much, given the way I was feeling today.
Why do I feel bad for the way I was feeling today? It just feels wrong of me? I still feel like a bad bad bad mummy today. After I got my �period�, and Arthur woke from his nap, I couldn�t WAIT to hug him and snuffle him and kiss his lil cheeks and hold him close to me and whisper in his ear that he is my one-and-only and I love him love him love him soooo. It just felt so good to have been reminded how precious it is to have a child, a little lovely that came from my own body, who is mine and I am his. Right now, I just love him so much. I am so content with him, and so enraptured every second that I�m with him that I can�t see beyond that at the moment. I only see how I love Arthur. He is �enough� for me. Soooooooo so so �enough�. I know I want more children, but right now, to have just Arthur is perlenty for me. He is so precious and I couldn�t love anything more.
Topsy-turvy day. I will update tomorrow with whatever happens then! Thank you all for being supportive. I hope you all don�t think I am crazy or just not nice for some of the things I wrote today. I hope my thoughts and feelings don�t put you off me. They put ME off me, some of them, and I didn�t expect any of it. So it�s weird to be writing it. I had expected today to be writing about my excitement over a positive pregnancy test, or my disappointment over the opposite. Not this. And I am still confused over what I DO feel, so�. It will get clearer in the next few days probably. Hormones are such complicating factors!! Anyway, that is all for tonight. Back tomorrow :)
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