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2003-09-10 - 8.17pm��previous entry��next entry
Cycle Day 27.... still waiting....
Thanks so much Judy, Meg and Sam for your guestbook messages. I think I am going to order some black snaps and some pale yellow snaps from the States and then I can lay them all out and decide which colour I like best for that nappy! :) Thanks for your feedback! And Sam, thank you so much for what you said. Your entry made me feel a lot more settled (at least for a few minutes!) about things, and you really encouraged me - thank you! :)
Okay, it's Cycle Day 27, my period is due today or tomorrow at the latest, and so far it's not here. My temperature was 36.7� again this morning, so I took another pregnancy test (what, another?!!!) and it was negative. Again. So I don't know what to think really! I'm just waiting for my period. I think it's coming. I am feeling pretty much the same as all the other days so far - very crampy, queasy all day, sore breasts (bit worse today - they seemed a bit better the last couple of days), etc, etc. I am so tired today. Yesterday I was too, well I have been for as long as I've been feeling weird really, but it's definitely increasing. Yesterday I was so tired and sleepy. I have huge bags under my eyes, I really look so pretty at the moment (!!), and yesterday the right one was twitching and flickering allll day long, on and off!! Today it's not doing that at all, but I am so tired. I am taking naps in the daytime but I can't sleep because I'm too restless. Sometimes I wonder if I'm queasy because I'm tired? I get all breathless with tiredness and feel sicker than ever, so maybe it's just tiredness? Which could be a pre-menstrual thing anyway. I usually get really tired before a period, just not usually for so long before one! It's not "illness" tired though, because I know how that feels and this isn't it. Which is a relief!
Neil has gone to get pizza, which I can't decide if I'll want to eat, but I probably will when it gets here. I'm supposed to be lying down again, but I get too fidgetty and my brain starts wandering, lately to pregnancy and stuff, what a surprise! I lay there all cramping like my period is going to arrive within the hour, and actually thought that I don't think it's coming. But pah, it probably is anyway. So as you can see, I am in the exact same mindset as yesterday! I don't think it's going to change until I get my period. This cycle has been so weird.
I am nervous about morning sickness. I keep having dreams about people puking, and I wake all breathless and anxious. I just so so so so so don't want to get morning sick. I could cope with queasiness all day and all night, I did that when I had M.E. But being sick.... I don't think I could cope at all. Except I wouldn't have a choice and time would pass just because the world keeps revolving and eventually I'd realise that it was passing and I'd survived. Or something. But I still don't like to think about it. These few days of queasiness and nausea have made me start to worry about it. Urgh. Let's change the subject! At least I will be hugely relieved if I get my period, that the nausea wasn't morning sickness, so I am back to a clean slate of a chance again.
I have a headache. I get headaches before periods. But also I'm tired so maybe it's that. I am all clingy with Neil. He says he is noticing that in the last few days I am wanting him to stay close to me. Like yesterday he came home from work and I took a bath. I didn't want him to leave me alone in the bath - he wanted to go on the computer, but I begged and he stayed and chatted with me while I took my bath. Today he came home from work and said, "You look so tired. Why don't you have a lie-down?" So I went up and lay down, but I didn't want him to leave me alone in bed, so he lay down with me. I am definitely hormonal. When I'm not clinging to him, I'm biting his head off over something miniscule.
I had a whole afternoon of nappy-making today! :) I cut out a ton of fabric and did a lot of pinning and preping. Then I made a lovely nappy out of one of the towelling bathrobes that my MIL sent down with Neil for nappy-making! It's stripey in pastel colours and it looks really cute with white microfleece on the inside. I experimented with attaching the elastic in a new way and it worked so I am really pleased with my afternoon! Because it's towelling, I don't need snaps or aplix - I have used a Snappi to fasten it and it's sitting right next to me with another nappy shoved inside it for a bit of bulk. I love making nappies! I have a couple more cut and ready to sew, so maybe I'll do that tomorrow. I have decided if I get my period tomorrow I am going to dig out a very big jigsaw puzzle of a very relaxing scene, and spend the whoooole day on that whilst listening to either storytapes or music from my childhood. Oh yes. A very comforting day, especially if it rains like it's forecast to. So I just wish my period would turn up if it's going to. Each day that it doesn't is more draining at the moment.
I have become kind of nervous about testing too early after reading an article today about chemical pregnancies/blighted ovums. I don't want to risk getting a positive test, only to get my period a few days later. Statistics are starting to scare me, such as the majority of pregnancies end before most women have confirmed that they are pregnant. What if I get a positive testing too early and then I miscarry really early? Another stat I found was that 50-60% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. What?!! The thought of getting a positive test and all the emotions that come with it, and then seeing blood in my underwear a couple of days later is too much to bear thinking about. I know there are worse scenarios for miscarriage, but still, I feel like I couldn't bear going to the toilet until I'm like 14 weeks pregnant or something!
The whole pregnancy thing is making me feel like it's too much to cope with this evening, I don't know why. When I got my negative test, I immediately started to feel like I didn't want to have a baby anyway. What's that about?! I KNOW I want to have a baby, so badly. But I just started to get all pfththhh and thinking that I couldn't be on with all this palava of emotions and waiting and failing and then when I finally don't fail and it happens, it's all just too much and I can't do it. But then I'm hormonal so maybe I'm just being weird about things tonight. I want my period. I want my mummy. Because if I get my period then things are just as I always knew and I feel safe. If I don't get my period tomorrow then I am likely to be pregnant and then all of a sudden I have never been down this road and it's uncharted territory and I am scared and want to go home where it's safe. I never felt like this before. I am too weird today.
Well once again I am expecting my temperature to drop tomorrow morning, and if it does I know I will be getting my period that day. For next cycle we have decided a couple of things. (side note: I must email Nicola! Sorry Nicola! She made some helpful suggestions about charting and stuff) But we are thinking about a way round the charting issue. I am not going to chart until Cycle Day 9 or 10, and then I am just waiting to see a rise in temperature. When I do, I will temp for 2 more days to confirm ovulation (but not actually chart, just note my temps), and then stop for the rest of the cycle. I'm not even going to temp at the end of the cycle like I'm doing now, because I won't need to if I know when I've ovulated, and I won't want the stress of seeing my temp drop in the morning when my period's due. And all the while we are going to BD (I'm using that abbreviation now - it stands for Baby Dance - instead of sex, because I don't want gross google hits) every other day or every third day right through my cycle. We've kind of been avoiding it lately because I am so crampy, and we both get paranoid about it when I may be pregnant and a tiny embryo might be trying to implant anyway. But also we are going to try mornings only (!!) next cycle. I read that men have their highest testosterone levels in the mornings, and that gives the spermies a lil boost. We also decided that after next cycle (the last one in our summer conception plan) we are going to test Neil's boys. Just so we know what's what.
Neil is home with the pizza so I'm going to stop now. I will update tomorrow. Maybe I'll even get my period before bed tonight? I am expecting it really. And scared if it's not coming! But it will all be okay, whatever happens, because I am trusting in God for the right timing, and he knows what's best for me and for Neil and for our future children. So that's okay then. Right :)
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