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2003-09-11 - 9.26pm��previous entry��next entry
Cycle Day 28.... hmmm...
Thank you Poppy and Nicola for your guestbook messages! I am always so encouraged by guestbook messages - you guys are so lovely! :) I owe some of you emails, but please forgive me for the wait. I am a bit distracted of late.
Today has been a weird day. I know I've been saying that a lot lately (!!), but it has. It's Cycle Day 28. My period is due. It's not here yet and I'm going to bed after I write this. My temp had dropped slightly to 36.6� this morning, still way higher than usual for when I'm about to get my period, and it was probably pretty inaccurate since I had woken a lot in the few hours before taking it. I just had a really restless night. So that makes my temp likely to be inaccurate, but oh well. My period isn't here. Yet.
I have a bad headache this afternoon/evening, which is a classic sign for me that my period is coming in the next 24 hours. I went to bed this afternoon for a couple of hours because the waiting was doing me in. I don't know why but it's really getting to me this time. I just wanted to skip a few hours by sleeping through them, but I didn't manage to get much sleep.
I have no idea how people who have been TTC for years manage. Today has been crazy. I have not got washed or dressed. I cannot seem to think of anything else. It's because of all those symptoms and because I have reached the last of my possible due dates for my period and it's still not here. How I wish I had charted so I'd know for sure when I had ovulated, then I wouldn't be in such a state about waiting for my period. I can't seem to pull myself together. Once I got that headache, I tried to think of a million other reasons why I might have my classic absolutely sure thing pre-period headache. Dehydration perhaps? Tiredness? Sinus pain? Lying with my neck at a funny angle? Anything but accept that I really and truly am going to get my period, after all this time thinking....
Neil got home and we chatted for a long long time, an hour or two, about trying to conceive. I got so down and negative. I felt like we are just never ever ever going to succeed at this. It's the same every time I realise we failed and have to try again. I have all the same thoughts, like I can't make sense of why our bodies aren't making a baby. Is it Neil, or is it me? Or is it both of us? Or is it nothing, just timing. I can't help thinking that must be a myth (even though I know it's not) because surely if you put an egg and a sperm (or tens of millions) in the same place at the right time (which we definitely have for three months running) then they should combine and make a baby? Surely? So why isn't that happening? Something must be wrong. It just must be. Ahhh I know all the stats and I see other people trying for waaay longer without any fertility problems as such, and they go on to have babies. But I always get so that I find it hard to see past the hormonal gloom that hits right before another period.
After we talked, Neil went and cooked us some dinner, and I phoned my mum to tell her I haven't got my period yet but I have "the" headache so it's coming. I felt so down. She was so nice and so sympathetic that it just made me ache for her. It's been four months since I've seen her or hugged her. I swear I am not meant to be without my mum for that kind of time. Before this year she lived down the road, and now she lives in another country. I guess when I am vulnerable it becomes unbearable that she's this far away.
So I have spent the entire evening crying and I just can't seem to stop. It doesn't help that I am probably all hormonal and pre-menstrual, but I just feel so upset about everything. I am so tired of trying, and really in the grand scheme of things, we've only just begun. But why does it have to be that way when we're young and fit and healthy and longing for a baby, and other people are just accidentally getting pregnant on birth control or just thinking, "oh yes, I think we'll try for a baby now" and bam, a couple of weeks later they are pregnant. It feels so unfair. I told my mum this and she said it's just different for different people. She thinks that for me it isn't too unfair, because she thinks it has been necessary, or helpful, for me to wait a little. She reminded me of how meticulously I planned my wedding and was highly obsessively organised (!!) down to every last detail. Then she drew the comparison about how I've been planning for this little one, and she thinks that every cycle we haven't conceived, I have settled a bit and seemed more down to earth about conceiving. She thinks that is more healthy, so perhaps the wait is a good part of the process for my particular case. I never thought about it that way, but I don't really like it. I don't like waiting. I feel like I can't do it anymore, even though I am surely wussing out way too early.
Tonight, feeling so upset, it feels like it hurts too much to go through it all again. Which is why I am so in awe of people who do this for years all of a sudden. I don't know how they do it. I am desperate that we don't have to either. One day at a time, one day at a time. Thanks Sam (and Nicola) - I am hanging onto your advice and it's helping.
Neil has been lovely to me this evening but he doesn't know what to do to help me. I can see he feels so bad for me and he hates to see me crying, but everytime I stop, it just starts again after a bit. I cried into my nappy pile, the bed, Neil's chest, my dinner - it seems so silly. But I really truly honestly felt like I was pregnant. I still do. But I know my period is coming with this headache and I feel angry that it has strung me along with the wait and the oh-so-pregnant symptoms. What was all that about? That was so unnecessary and unfair if I was never even pregnant in the first place. I thought I was pregnant. I never wanted to write that so obviously in my diary before it was confirmed incase I looked absolutely stupid when my period arrived. I even wrote it in a handwritten diary just so I had a record of how pregnant I was feeling, which I could post here once it had been confirmed or something. But I'm not. I know my period's not here yet so there's still a chance, but I don't want to be strung along any longer so I'm pushing that possibility out of my head. I am discovering the only benefit to hope is hurt and I don't like it.
Well I have nothing much more to say tonight. I made another nappy today but I don't think I like the pattern, it's too bright. Neil says it's fine though. I am guessing my temp will drop in the morning (at last) and then I'll get my period, or maybe still tonight, and I'll update here when it does. That will make my cycle a good ole 28 days. I'm sure I'll feel better after that because that's what happened in my other cycles, so it's just this bad this evening because I'm realising and accepting, and because I'm pre-menstrual. Please God bless us in cycle four. Or else hold me together better next time, because I can't do this many more times.
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