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2003-09-12 - 10.15pm��previous entry��next entry
Cycle Day 29 - hormones!
Big big thank yous to April, Judy and Andrea for your messages. I appreciate all your virtual hugs soooo much. Nicola thanks so much for the lovely TLC email :) xxx
April, just for you I have put a link to my Fertility Friend chart over there on the left hand column. This cycle's chart isn't there though because there's nothing on it except for the last few days of temps, so there's only cycles 1 and 2 to look at if you're still interested! I am absolutely falling out of my chair with excitement for April because (hope you don't mind me saying April!) she isn't spotting yet and her temps are high and she's been TTC for years and has just had her first round of fertility treatment!!!! Oooooooo it's too exciting! Pray for April - that's the one thing I can't stop doing, praying for April right now! I feel like I want April to be pregnant more than me (which is really saying something!), honestly it's that exciting! :)
Cycle Day 29 blah blah blah. Temp was 36.7� this morning, confusing me out of my MIND by staying up again (although probably not that accurate again due to restless broken sleep), and still my period isn't here yet, but I took a test this morning, a different brand for the first time, and it was really really negative. Really. I never saw such a snow-white box without a trace of a line in it!! I reckon I must be about 15 days past ovulation so it should be positive by now if I was pregnant.
I am just a great big soggy hormonal mess.
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Okay actually I wrote all that a few hours ago, and now my mood has totally changed. I mean 180� changed! Soooo weird. Maybe that means my hormones have all slumped to the floor and I will get my period soon? I am suddenly in a marvellously cheery bubbly mood, it's so weird. I feel quite elated actually. How odd. But I'm still expecting my period. Even more odd that I'm so elated!
???
Well earlier on I was crying and being generally miserable at the slightest thing. Last night I went to bed and once the light was out and I was lying there in the dark, I got sooooooo homesick for my mum - like yesterday evening but worse - and I cried and sobbed like there was no tomorrow. Neil woke and had to cuddle me and stroke my hair and all that stuff for an hour at least. Urgh. I was just inconsolable and I couldn't stop until I finally got worried that I'd get sick from crying that much. And then my head was sooo stuffed up that I had to lie propped up with Vick on my chest for another hour before I was sufficiently decongested to sleep. *sigh* What is going ON?!! Is it just the stress or emotional drainageyness of TTC, or is it hormones? And if it's hormones then what PLANET did these ones come from?!!!
Urrrgh! Anyway, I am feeling better at the moment. Still no period. I am feeling gross and queasy this evening. And if I don't get my period this weekend I am going to the doctor on Monday. Not sure exactly why (!!) or what he's gonna do, but I'm thinking of marching in there and saying my period's at least 4 days late and we're trying to conceive and all my tests are negative, and hope that he doesn't laugh and wave me out of the door. Hmmm. I am starting to worry that all this desperation is affecting my period turning up. Can that happen? I don't know if that just applies to ovulation or whether it can make your period late even when it's meant to turn up. Oh if ONLY I had charted!!!!!! Grrrr!! D'you know, this is the second time I haven't charted in the whole year, and both times my period has played hide and seek with me. It's so annoying, like my body is mean and playing games with me when it knows I'm not watching it as closely as normal :(
When we talk about the situation now, I've noticed that Neil has started saying, "Well, if you ARE pregnant..." which worries me since I am still convinced my period is on it's way (despite also feeling fairly convinced that I'm pregnant, if only the tests would agree with me!) and I see him starting to wonder now that it's still not here, and I don't want it to be a huge disappointment to him when (if?) I get my period. Yeurgh. Why won't it turn up, darnit?!! I am getting frustrated enough so that I think I will actually be relieved to see it, because I'm starting to worry that it will stay away for ages and I won't even be pregnant, and if that's the case then I'd rather it was here so we could get on with trying again.
I made another nappy today. Boy am I churning them out lately!! It's so much fun, and I find it soothing at the moment to cut and sew and see cute things at the end of it. Also because I've made quite a few the same way now, it's starting to feel methodical and routinely and that's soothing too. I made a newborn-sized version of the patterned nappies I've been making recently. It is toooo cute!! I'm gonna make more, I've drawn out a new pattern for it and everything. Oh I love making nappies! :)
I bid on a maternity bra at eBay today. I don't know why. It's waaaaay too big. But it's a Marks and Spencers bra and I know they are soooo comfy, plus I might fit it later in pregnancy (WHEN I'm pregnant I mean!) and it's 99p unless someone just outbid me! So that's worth it! I can always sell it on at UKparents if I never use it.
La di da. I feel cheery and like chatting about baby stuff but I have run out of things to say. I should write in my normal diary. It seems to be a regular thing now, doesn't it, that I don't write in there for the second half of my cycles!! It's never intentional but I just like to write here more when all I'm thinking about is pregnancy.
I was thinking maybe I should get a job. Actually what sparked that idea was the thought that maybe I should get a life. Today and yesterday have got me a bit worried that I am starting to get unhealthy about trying to conceive or something, what with all the crying and the not getting washed or dressed yesterday, or wanting to go anywhere or do anything, and feeling like life was empty and hollow without having a baby. That sounded some alarm bells for me, because that's NOT how it should be. I also realised I couldn't really focus on God yesterday. Neil put some worship music on while we ate dinner, but it made me cry and I couldn't swallow my food so he switched it off again. But today I have been praying a lot more and I found a long letter from a Christian friend who I met online a couple of years ago. I haven't heard from her since then, but anyway, at the time I was housebound with M.E. and had been for 18 months, and I was desperate for God to heal me and to be better and healthy and normal again. This lady was just wonderful, like God himself sent her to soothe me or something, and amongst a lot of emails and posts that she sent me there was this one looong letter, which I had completely forgotten about, but for some reason I saved it - the only thing of hers that I saved. I found it quite by accident today on my hard drive and read it through. It's about waiting for God's timing. Wow, it was even more relevant for me today than when I was sick and waiting to be healed. I cried and sobbed the whole way through this letter, it was so moving and it was just so spot-on for me right now. Also I needed gently reminding that I had to wait on God and not fight against what he's doing, which I have definitely started to do lately. That was a hard thing to be reminded of. And then there was this poem at the end, and stuff about faith, about the planting time and the harvest time, so much wonderful stuff. About how you shouldn't be jealous of someone who is in the harvest time when you are in the planting time, because it's just a different time, that's all it is. And that made me cry so much because of how crazy jealous I have been of my precious friend Deborah who is 15 weeks pregnant. Lately I've started to write her letters that I don't plan to send, just so that I can start to try and feel okay with writing to her again, because I have not been contacting her for weeks now. I feel so bad, but I am just overwhelmed with these feelings.
But this letter anyway, it really touched a nerve there too. It was hard for me to read, but I know God meant me to find it today. If anyone happens to want to read it or the poem in it, if you think it might help you, then please do ask me, I'd be happy to share it with the whole world because it's helped me so much. It's just way too long to post here, otherwise I would have. It gave me faith when I was sick to wait for God to heal me, and it is helping me look to God again now.
And God did heal me actually. Nine months and ten days after I received that letter (wow what a coincidence, I only just figured that out sitting here now!) I got healed, completely, overnight. So his timing was right, and I absolutely HAVE to trust that he is leading me on the right path with having children too. Surely I should see it clearer than anyone, since I have an amazing example of God's faithfulness in my life already?! Man I have been so blind. I hope I get back on track because life is about so much more than having a baby. That's why I thought maybe I should get a part-time job or something, so that at least I have a distraction while we are TTC, and while I am in the two-week-wait. If I'd had something to go out and do these past few days, maybe it wouldn't have been so hard? Or maybe it would have been an absolute nightmare to have to work and function with alllll of these hormones?!! Who knows. But maybe it's an idea? I will think about it anyway. And I'll update tomorrow of course :) Hopefully my period will be here or something. Actually I am noticing a particularly bad crampy feeling just this minute..... so maybe my wait is over this cycle. Come on cycle four!! I'm rooting for you!! :)
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