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2003-09-14 - 11.46am��previous entry��next entry
Relief!!!
I'm soooo sorry I didn't update yesterday! It seems some of you have been going crazy waiting for an update, so I'm really sorry! :) Well it seems that neither April nor I are pregnant this time. I am certainly not. I got my period the night I wrote my last entry. It turned up at 1am (bless its little cotton socks) and is the reason I didn't write yesterday.
I think I must have had a bit of a whoopsie on the hormone-production front last cycle! I figured as much with the symptoms I was getting and the crying thing, but this period has kind of knocked me out so it must have been some mega hormones or something. I'm sure I was right about the mood change being because my hormones had suddenly dropped with my period on the way. I can't TELL you how much of a relief it was when I suddenly felt all cheerful and like "me" again!! I was so relieved that I couldn't care less whether I got my period or not at that moment! I couldn't sleep till it turned up. I must have known it was coming. And then owwwww I got a couple of hours broken sleep over the next 8 hours, and I took 2 lots of painkillers and filled my hot water bottle five times during the night. This one has been seriously owchie. Yesterday I slept till 2pm (!!!) and then I was dizzy and groggy and mostly lay around with my hot water bottle till about 10pm when I went to bed again, and I've slept (fabulously, woohoo!) for 11 hours!!!! I should be at church at the moment. Neil is at church. I hate that I'm missing church because I miss my friends and I miss singing and learning about God. But even after my lovely 11 hours sleep I still felt dizzy and shaky when I got up, so I am staying here and taking it easy today. That's okay. It's weird but probably to be expected after huge hormones, and it'll all be over and done with in a couple more days.
There is a newborn baby crying somewhere. It's a beautiful day and I have the windows open, and I can hear that kind of crying in the distance, the gentle bleat variety, not the ear-piercing bottom of the lungs variety! I want to have a baby soooo much. But it's not killing me that I am not pregnant, which is a relief. I'm surprised really, because of how miserable I was about it before I got my period. But I think that must have been a hormone thing, because I feel fine about it right now. I was so relieved to get my period - I kept getting up in the night and checking with a torch, hehehe! But what a relief - now I am not waiting for the inevitable, and I get a breather from those hormones, and I get the chance to try again.
Sooo today is Cycle Day 2 of our fourth cycle trying to conceive. I have high hopes for this cycle. I hope no-one's thinking, "Here we go again!" because I think I will always have high hopes for each cycle. I hope I always will anyway. This cycle I am charting again, but not yet, because there's little point while I've got my period. When I start temping (in the next few days) I'll put the new chart on my Fertility Friend link over there so you all can follow it to your heart's content! Not mad on you all knowing exactly when we are BDing so maybe I won't publish that info?!! We'll see. This cycle is the last one that we'd thought ahead to when we first planned to have a baby. We thought we'd start trying in June and we were hoping to make a baby who would be due somewhere between March and June 2004. That was our ideal window because after June, it starts getting less convenient, sort of, what with me being a total anti-hot-weather person and how I would be having to cope with being huge and the hot weather all at once if we had a baby due later than June. Plus it would bring Christmas and our birthdays (and other family birthdays) into the first trimester which might mean I'd have to sit them out feeling ill, which we were hoping to avoid too. So we had planned to conceive from June to September. And now it's September and we still haven't conceived. So I hope we do this cycle. But if not then I guess God knows what he's doing! So I'm sure it will all work out okay.
I phoned my mum and she is so relieved that I am happy again - she says it's far more important than being pregnant, which is true. My next period will be due when my parents come to England to visit!!!!!!! Yaaaaaay!!! So I reeeeally hope I will get pregnant this cycle, because it would be perfect to be able to announce it to them face-to-face, and this is the only chance I'll get to see them before Christmas. And I sincerely hope I am pregnant before Christmas. Although I am allowing the thought to seep into my mind a bit that I might possibly not be pregnant until next year. Urgh. But enough of that! I have FOUR cycles left between now and then, aren't I blessed?!! So four chances to make a baby. This cycle as I said before, we are BDing mornings only to see if that makes any difference. I am NOT a morning person, so hmmm, this could be interesting!! :)
I will probably not update here for a little while, because there's never much to report in the first 2 weeks of a new cycle, but if I have any baby-related news or thoughts then I'll be sure to write them here! I'm gonna post that poem about God's timing to finish this entry, because then it's right here when I need to see it, to keep me going until the next period is due. Thanks so much for all your support this last cycle, I don't know what I would have done without you guys. *hugs to everyone*
WAITING ON THE LORD
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried.
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, "Child, you must wait!"
"'Wait?', you say, wait!" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By FAITH I have asked, and am claiming your Word.
"My future and all to which I can relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to WAIT?
I'm needing a 'yes,' a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
"And Lord, you promised that if we believe
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!"
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."
So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting. . .for what?"
He seemed then to kneel and His eyes wept with mine,
And he tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.
All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want -- but, you wouldn't know ME.
"You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint;
You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;
You'd not know the joy of resting in me
When darkness and silence were all you could see.
"You'd never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of my Spirit descends like a dove;
You'd know that I give and I save. . .(for a start),
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of my heart.
"The glow of my comfort late into the night.
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.
"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that 'My grace is sufficient for thee.'
Yes, your dreams for your loved ones overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss! if I lost what I'm doing in you!
"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
THAT THE GREATEST OF GIFTS IS TO GET TO KNOW ME.
And though oft may my answers seem terribly late,
My wisest of answers is still but to WAIT."
I don't know who it's by. I wish I did. And it meant more to me when I was waiting for healing two years ago. But it still helps me now as I wait for my baby. I know God's plan is DEFINITELY the best! But I just can't wait to get to it and experience it! :)
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