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2003-10-25 - 7.23pm��previous entry��next entry
Time-out for a while...
I'm having a weird cycle. Yesterday was cycle day 17 I think, and my temp was still low, so I still hadn't ovulated. I ran out of OPKs so I couldn't check to see if ovulation was imminent. But I think I probably ovulated yesterday which will give me a 30 day cycle. So at least I know when to expect my period.
However, none of that matters because we did not BD so there will be next to no chance of conceiving - except for the time on CD13, but I think that was way too early given the fact that my CM won't keep sperm alive for that long.
I have suddenly started coping really badly with Cameron's death again, and things feel kind of different to before. If Neil had said we should hold off with TTC for a while, I would have felt heart-broken about that idea. But now I don't care about having a baby at all. It is dumped in the pile of everything else that doesn't matter to me anymore. Nothing else matters except that Cameron is gone. I know this will pass and I need time to grieve, so we will resume TTC for sure. Anyway, we really want to have a baby so of course we will. But right now I don't care. At least feeling this awful about Cam has meant that it has been much easier for me to let go of TTC for now.
Neil and I had a big talk about it the other night. It was CD16 so I thought I would be ovulating any moment and we ought to BD. But Neil was tired and stressed from having been to both work and uni lectures that day, and he said no. This led to a long chat about how we feel about TTC at the moment. Neil is fed up with it. We both expected to fall pregnant pretty much straight away, and it's becoming a stress and a pressure to BD at the right times, and then to wait and hope, only to be squished like a bug at the end of it. Over and over again. I can't imagine how hard this must be for couples who have done this for years. I hope that doesn't happen to us too.
But now Neil is getting tireder by the day and more stressed with everything he's got to do extra in each week. He is playing catch-up at work all the time because of the hours he has to take out to attend lectures for his degree. He is knackered. Neither of us want to BD lately, not for a baby, not for any other reason either. I am falling into small bits and pieces over losing Cameron, and as I do so I am getting more and more snappy and irritable and difficult to live with. Neil gets the brunt of it I think, and I feel so bad about that. It's something extra for him to have to deal with and that's not good. I can't seem to keep anything inside of me anymore, all my feelings fall out like stuffing out of a broken teddy. I am not trying to be mean to my husband, but sometimes I just am hard to live with right now. So obviously none of this helps the baby plans.
It was actually me who suggested forgetting about trying to make a baby for the next cycle or two. I was downstairs crying about Cameron and it suddenly hit me that I didn't care one bit about having a baby of my own anymore. I knew at the same time that this feeling wouldn't last, but I grabbed the opportunity to make a relatively painless decision to stop trying to conceive. It's way easier when I don't care about it. And there were so many reasons why it would be helpful to stop for now. Less stress for Neil, less to think about and plan all the time, MUCH less stress for me - no temping, no charting, no worrying about when exactly I am ovulating and when exactly my period is due. No hoping and planning, no checking possible due dates, none of all that. Time, for me to grieve and have no pressures in any other direction while I do so. Time, for us to focus only on each other where sex is concerned, and to get nearer to finishing our therapy therefore. And the last little reason we thought of was avoiding a July/August baby. Miss out giving birth in the summer months, and avoid schooling problems. So we feel that we are likely to start trying again for a September baby, which I guess would happen in my December cycle.
I feel relieved to have a break, and most of the relief was found in making the decision and voicing it to Neil, and hearing him agree. So then it was decided, and that was like finally relaxing my shoulders when they'd been held taut for so long. Of course it means no baby for the time being, no chance at all. And it means putting the whole TTC thing off for two months, so if we're going to struggle to conceive then we have "wasted" another 2 months by doing this. But I think it was the right thing to do, and I think we both need the break.
Today though, I have found myself wondering about when I ovulated, and fighting the urge to take my temperature in the morning. Also if I ever pop out of my unhappy feelings and feel more like myself again, I do feel fine about trying for a baby and want to press on with it. But the decision is made and I am happy with that, so we will stick to it. We plan to actively avoid sex when I might be fertile, but not to go to the lengths of using contraception (which is a pain in the neck anyway!). We are going to see how things are after 2 more periods, and decide what to do next then. It is minutely possible that we might both feel so much better for just one cycle's break that we'll want to resume TTC again next cycle. But for now we feel comfy with the idea of TTC again in December. We would both like a September or October baby. Nov and Dec we are not so keen on, so I hope we get pregnant quickly when we resume trying! But we'll see. I will not be so naive as I was the first time round. The important thing is that we give ourselves time, for Neil to adjust to the extra pressure on his time and energies, and for me to grieve. So we are keeping an open mind.
Well that's it. I don't know what will happen to making nappies. I will see how I feel about it, whether I feel like it's part of trying for a baby so I want to avoid it, or whether I carry on because it's a seperate hobby in my mind. I will see. But obviously it's not likely that I'll have much, if anything, to write about in this diary for a while. Thanks so much for all your support these last few months while we've been trying to conceive. I will be back though, for sure!
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