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2007-03-28 - 11.48pm��previous entry��next entry
Thoughts on small age gaps, and 3DPO...
Oh hee hee! I know there is really nooooo chance with such a short luteal phase, but look what happened!....
For those who don't know charting, that's my current cycle. The red crosshairs mark the day that I ovulated. Looksie at the little "X-marks-the-spot" effect smack-dab under the crosshairs on ovulation day! The X is our unprotected parsnips ;) I am not 100% sure about it though, as I still had some fertile signs the next morning and I think I felt ovulation pain then too, so maybe I ovulated like 12 hours after the oopsie or something? Anyway. There it is. Fertility Friend analyzed our chances of pregnancy as good, and well, were it not for the short LP, we really do have a good chance.
Last cycle's LP was 6 days and the cycle before was only 4 days. Although, 8 days before that one.... Either way, I need 10 days minimum, really, to maintain a pregnancy. I haven't got any signs of my period on it's way yet, which I DEFINITELY had by now on the 4-day LP cycle, but not last cycle. I really don't know when to expect my period. The likelihood of this panning out into a healthy pregnancy is extreeemely slim, but there we go.
Nice things:
* I'm excited about the possibility. Happy excited. Whaddya know?!
* Despite knowing the teensy weensy odds, my husband keeps giving me sweet gentle hugs from behind at random moments (like while I'm trying to clean something!), saying, "You might be pregnant!" and I can hear him smiling as he says it and the tenderness in his voice. Who'd have thought?! :)
* We're both surprised by how totally happy we feel about the minescule possibility of being pregnant again already.
Weird things:
* Having some great EWCM and knowing my body conceived easily (with the same EWCM, etc) last time is making us both think that it's pretty likely that right at this moment, there is a fertilised egg dividing merrily as it bumbles down my fallopian tube. It's kind of sad to think it doesn't really stand a chance. I know that's kind of silly of us to be dwelling on that, but we are anyway, and we didn't mean to, it just happened in our thoughts.
Not-so-great things:
* Beginning to feel a bit deflated by all the negativity and almost unsupportiveness even, on telling a few people about the possibility, and for that matter, our general plans for another small gap. I kind of want to write more about that in a minute. And kind of not, at the same time.
* Scared witless! Can I/we do it? Will I have a difficult pregnancy? Will I get morning sick? What about Matthew and Arthur? What about my milk supply and my little nurslings?! Will it all be okay when the new baby is born? Is it going to be just too hard and I'll fail miserably at the task? Will we do it with less support than ever before due to lots of people thinking we're pretty much being daft and will perhaps perfer to say "I told you so" than offer sympathy or support at the time?
* Noooo room left in our house. Big move in order while I'm pregnant, basically. Or else, squishing up here and somehow figuring out a way to fit all 3 kiddos in our small 2-bedroom house (both of whom currently sleep with a parent, or near enough - in separate rooms!), and then contemplating a move fairly soon after having a new baby.
But...
* We both feel confident that if God brings us to it, he'll bring us through it. Neil says he doesn't know if it's silly of him, but he basically feels like if I am pregnant, he feels more confident that he'll get a new job soon. We have prayed for a long while that when we NEED to move or have another baby, and Neil NEEDS a new job to manage it all, that God will provide for him to get one. We trust God. So those are his feelings on that one.
* I see lots of families (albeit mostly online) with small age gaps and lots of kids, absolutely THRIVING with happy, well-adjusted kids, many of whom are old enough to enthuse about having lots of siblings close in age. The parents always find it hard, but heck, it's got to be worth it, hasn't it?! That's my thinking anyway.
I should stop bullet-pointing, since that last point leads me to the bit I wanted to say about the negative responses we're getting. Not that we're splashing our tiny chance of pregnancy and our unprotected parsnips EVERYWHERE (!), but I told my mum, as I tell her everything. And of course my diary here. And a couple of other places online. And I told my friend Katie when we took our little ones to the swings today (totally aside, but it was GORGEOUS weather today! Lovely for outings for little ones!).
My mum was never that keen on the idea that I was pregnant again before Arthur turned one. She just has such a DIFFERENT view on parenting, in terms of how many kids and how far apart. She has always said that a family friend (with 3 kids, much respected for many years by my parents) once told them, "Never let the children out-number the parents!", and so my parents LIVED by it and I still hear it from my mum today. But she knows I have always wanted lots of kids. I wanted more siblings too, but that wasn't my choice! Not that I didn't ask a LOT :)
Also, with the age gaps. She said to me that they wouldn't even consider TTC again until after I turned 2. My brother is 2 years, 10 months and 2 weeks younger than me. She hasn't so much pressed the point about a smaller gap robbing the older child of their babyhood, but she's mentioned it in the past, and I guess that's where she's coming from (Jemma, I know you mentioned this too, and so have a couple of other friends). I used to feel that way too, but only about my baby's first YEAR, having that all to themselves without a pregnant morning-sick mummy. And then I guess I forgot that or something, because Arthur was 10 months when I got pregnant with Matthew.
But I HONESTLY do not think Arthur has missed out at all, specifically because of having a small age gap. I mean, I'm sure if I scrutinised it all, there MUST be some negative aspects for him. Okay, there is the fact that he has to share my attention with Matthew. And he has to be on his own downstairs playing while I put Matthew down for naps or nurse him upstairs (which sometimes takes ages). And he doesn't get to go out as much as I reeeeally want him to be able to, because I have chosen to work things around Matthew's naps after a bit of trial-and-error earlier on. So those things have been big changes for Arthur, and they do seem more like negative changes.
But, I don't think that is an age-gap issue. I think he would have to adjust and share me no matter the age gap. Matthew's naps are beginning to fall into a pattern (getting slightly shorter) whereby I can organise myself (gasp! hehe!) to take the boys out for a picnic lunch in between naps, now that the weather is improving. Arthur is loving it, Matthew gets his sleep, and it all works.
I know 9 months is a LONG time in a toddler's life - well, 8 months, because it's been going like this for a month maybe - but it really is just an adjustment period while we get used to the new family dynamic with a new little person around. It is ONLY 8 months. Things are settling well. Even though 8 months is ages for Arthur... I am thinking that there are plenty of stages of childhood OLDER than Arthur's age where a child might find it much harder to have to learn to share Mummy with a new sibling, or adjust to fitting into a new routine around a new baby, etc. In fact, a large gap unnerves me for that reason (amongst others). Under two, it's relatively easy for a child to fit into a new system with a new baby, because they still nap, there's no need to focus on big changes like potty training, nursery school, etc, for some time to come yet, and in many ways they are still being babied appropriate to their age, so they have not officially "finished" their babyhood and then been "replaced" because of it (which, trust me, plenty of 3 year olds feel - I was one of them!).
There is also way more room for sibling rivalry (statistically speaking), unless you go for a really huuuge gap. I had the most awful time with sibling rivalry when my brother was born, and I do not exaggerate when I say it literally twisted me up inside and turned me into an anxious and stressed child until my mid teens. My brother, bless his heart, did not harbour any such grudges against me, and so I was the horrible party. We fought a lot (happily, we're really close now! It took living in separate places to really fix things though - when my brother went away to university). It must have been really hard for my parents to manage sometimes. I have no idea if there was anything they could have done differently which might have prevented my reaction to having a new sibling (timing-wise, I mean), but it was baaaaad for me at nearly 3 years old. Bad. Of course, plenty of 2-3 year olds have NO sibling rivalry with their new baby brothers or sisters, and there are examples out there of small-age-gap toddlers who have an awful relationship with the new baby after it arrives. I have a friend who was 15 months apart from her younger sister and they had a very fraught relationship. So you never know. But I personally think there's much less chance when the older child is so little that they adjust easily to the new situation and never knew a time without their brother or sister around.
Arthur and Matthew have such a wonderful relationship! They are already happy little playmates. Arthur has moments of frustration when Matthew gets in the way of his games, but that's normal and it isn't a rivalry issue. I can see that it's only going to get better for them, and they are going to be the best of friends for life. I personally feel that we have BLESSED Arthur by having Matthew so soon, not the opposite.
In Arthur's case, he has actually been able to maintain his babyhood pretty consistently. He IS a big brother, but I don't think he's had to grow up too soon or miss out on his full babyhood at all. I was talking to Neil about it earlier, and he wondered about Arthur having to do things on his own while I settle Matthew, etc. But we figured those are not actually examples of being forced to grow up. He hasn't had to change his sleeping habits (other than nursing during the night, which was stopped for MY benefit!) - he still sleeps with a parent in the bed he's always slept in. He is with me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week (except at night when he's next to Daddy). There's no separation from me yet, and so that's consistent with his babyhood from before Matthew was born. In no way has he been encouraged to be more independent because of another baby arriving. Well, I suppose the playing by himself while I settle Matthew is sort of an example of that. But plenty of mothers-of-one are encouraging their two year olds (and younger) to play by themselves for longer spells so that they can get things done around the house, etc. So that's not specific to having another baby. I never leave Arthur anywhere. We just started to leave him in creche at church by himself, which we HATE doing, and now that we're on the rota to work in the creche, he pretty much never has to be without us there. When we leave him somewhere, it will be because we think he's ready, and he hasn't been yet (or if he has, WE haven't been!) despite becoming a big brother.
I haven't done anything about potty training (well, certainly not for the first 6 or so months after Matthew was born) so there have been no big changes introduced, but then he was too young for that in the first 6 months of Matthew's life anyway. But the main thing for Arthur has been the fact that he is still breastfeeding. I can't think of a more "baby" connection with me for him than breastfeeding. If anything, most people tell me I'm KEEPING him a baby by breastfeeding him and not sending him to playgroup! Which is balls, of course ;) But he definitely hasn't missed out on any of his babyhood. The way we see it, Arthur is STILL enjoying his babyhood, but he has had to learn to adjust a little to the way the day goes. But the positive aspect of that (which FAR outweighs the negative) is that he has got himself a little playmate who loves him and who he loves right back, and their friendship is already flourishing. It's such a gift for him! For them both.
I LOVE their age gap. I am a little bit worried if Matthew self-weans during my next pregnancy (as I think he'll be more prone to do than Arthur was) that he will not have that "baby" connection to me and therefore it might not be as easy on him as it was for Arthur? But I'm so hoping that he won't! If he does, I don't know.... I'll just have to try and establish a special bonding time for just him and me that he gets no matter what, like Arthur and his breastfeeding.
Anyway. So my mum does not seem that supportive about it, which makes me sad. I'm really close to her, and so it's important to me what she thinks about my choices in life. She was the same way about Matthew being on the way, but less so. Because I DID find it so hard in the first 6 months, I know she thinks I am verging on irresponsible to try for another small age gap. Barely a phone conversation has gone by in the last 4 months or so (and we speak most days) where she hasn't reminded me that it would be wise to wait a while. *sigh* Fairly light-heartedly, you know. So I can make some humour out of it and not take it to heart, during the conversation. But if I tell her that I might maaaybe be pregnant, her response is basically, "Oh NO!" (seriously) and though she doesn't say it, I do get the vibe that I am being a) stupid and b) irresponsible. She often says she relies on Neil to be sensible about these things, because she knows he is more unsure about having lots of kids, etc, than I am. I am starting to tire of the comments and wonder if she's actually going to support me or not. I can't IMAGINE that she wouldn't support me in anything, but I am starting to get the feeling that she'll do so with tight lips and a sense of "you brought it on yourself" if I'm struggling. In a not-nice way, that is. Which in turn makes me feel like I don't want to tell her if I am struggling, just to hear her say "I told you so", or ask for help when I need it, because that would be admitting the same. And that makes me feel sad. She'll be defensive if I broach the subject with her now, and there'll be too much risk of a huge argument which I do NOT want to get into. So I don't know what to do about that.
Katie, along with seemingly everybody else, had a response that basically had two components - shocked and pessimistic. She was cheerful and friendly, which everyone else has been too. She asked what the age gap would be, and I said 18 months. I told her that the boys are 19 months apart (she forgot and asked), and then she jokingly said that I would have to talk to this lady at church who has 4 kids with similar gaps between them. They are aged 15, 14, 12, and 11 now, but I have known them well since she was pregnant with the youngest (have I really been a Christian that long already?!?!), and used to help her out a lot when the youngest was born, by going round and helping with the kids' tea and playing games with them, etc, while she got the littlest ones sorted for naps and feeds, and so on. Their age gaps are 17 months, 19 months, and 18 months. They are just such a "model" family for the small age gap/lots of kids thing! I used to never want that kind of thing for my own family when I "grew up" because it seemed like the whole parenting thing would flash before my very bleary eyes before I knew it, each parenting stage. And I wanted to savour even the difficult stages, like babyhood and todderhood, and so on - so spacing them out a little more so that I would have a baby in the house for more years, that kind of thing. But maybe I'll just have more kids and achieve the same thing?! Hehe! ;)
Anyway. Their kids are lovely. They are just a beautiful family. No sibling rivalry (although there was a bit between #2 and #3 (#2's issue) in the first year or so after #3 was born - nothing now though), and they all get on wonderfully. They had planned 4 children with that spacing from when they first got married, and it has worked out perfectly.
Katie said that she thinks you have to be "a certain kind of parent" to manage lots of kids with that age gap like this lady at church. Then she said that she wasn't implying that I WASN'T that kind of parent, but I kind of felt like.... why would she say it otherwise? I did tell her that I knew that this lady had found it VERY hard in the early months (and years, I guess) with the four of them. When I was there, she often was just run off her feet tending to the kids, and once or twice she said despairingly, "I've got too many kids!" (with wringing of hands, hehe!). But she always told me that she KNEW it would be hard. She and her husband wanted to press through with their plans anyway, and weather the hard part, because they were focused on what came ahead - close relationships for their kids, who would be at such similar ages that they would enjoy a lot of the same activities at the same time - great for holidays, play, outings, etc. Their plan bore tremendous fruit and they never regretted one second of the hard work.
The thing is, I am not daft, or naive. I KNOW it is going to be crazy hard for me if we have another small age gap. Obviously, it will be. It was hard enough the first time for me! I also KNOW that my hormones will make it very hard for me to cope emotionally, for the first 5 or 6 months until I get my period back. That's the joy of having had two already - it has provided me with just enough experience for me to learn that this is just how my hormones ARE in the postpartum period. I would say it borders on postnatal depression, or a mild version of. It's HARD. Almost too hard.
But, somehow I get through the early months - goodness knows how actually! By the grace of God, no doubt! And then here we are. Lots of demands on me and much tiredness, etc, but the hard work is sooooooo worth it for the fruit. And I'm only 9 months into the experience so I haven't yet discovered how much MORE wonderful it gets! I mean, I'll be plunged back into desperately difficult again if I get pregnant again and have another baby. But then that will pass and I - we ALL will be out of that difficult adjustment phase and into the enjoyment of our newly enlarged family, and all the good things that have come from having the kids close together.
I DO worry about those first 6 months, but because it's a hormonal issue for me, it will happen no matter the age gap. I know it could be made slightly less demanding on me if we space the kids out a bit more, thus making my older ones less dependent on me by the time a new baby comes. But I don't actually think it's going to make much of a difference for me, emotionally. Unless there's like a TEN year gap, my kids will still need me as much as ever, I think. If we homeschool (which we still haven't decided on) then there won't be the "advantage" of the older ones being out of the house for some hours of the day. Although that's another matter altogether - how does one homeschool when heavily pregnant or recovering from birth/adjusting in the postpartum period?! I know families DO homeschool even with new babies being added, but I can't fathom how yet!
So. I am worried that when I DO, obviously, find it terribly hard work and struggle emotionally, people are not going to be so forthcoming with the support or sympathy, because I will have essentially brought it on myself, disregarded their sensible advice, and been rather silly. And so I will have to reap the consequences of my actions, or something like that. I worry that either I won't get so much help if I ask for it, or (maybe worse?) I will get help with a huge side portion of ATTITUDE, just a big vibe that the person helping is kind of rolling their eyes and thinking, "I told you so, but would you listen?!..." It's horrible to think that's what people might be thinking or saying behind our backs if we have another small gap. Urgh. I hate having people think badly of me.
With the emotional difficulties, Neil and I know that next time round, we need to invest in paid help for the first 6 months. Save, or set aside some money during a house move, or something, if we have to, in order to finance it. By paid help, I mean like housekeeping help, and maybe a "mother's help" type of young person, an hour a day or something while I am still right there with the kiddos, just to take the pressure off a bit. I think that I would have coped WAY better, emotionally, if I hadn't felt so snowed-under physically and practically speaking, the last two times I was a new mummy. It was the same after I had Arthur too - my HV was worried that I had postnatal depression in the first 5 months. And then I got my period and it all got better. So I know it's nothing I can control. We need to set up things to help as best we can till that first 6 months is over.
I worry about what Katie said, and that maybe I'm NOT that "certain kind of parent" who can manage so many kids close together. If I'm not, I'm in trouble. The first thing I have done this evening is sign up for a cognitive behaviour therapy course online, to help me learn better mind management - so, better control over anxiety, stress, anger, etc. I think it will help me, as I know I have issues with anxiety and stress in particular.
Some ladies online have been REALLY supportive! Which has been a relief. They are mothers who have small gaps between 3 or more kids, or mothers who have siblings of their own with small gaps between them. One of the mothers-of-many who was supportive online, said that in her opinion if you have 3 or 4 kids closely spaced, you need to have a lot of patience and flexibility. What if I don't?! I'm not sure that I do... I don't want to fail my kids! I need to learn more patience. Maybe the CBT thing will help me? I should pray about it though. God will help me more :)
The other thing that really comes across is the need for organisation in yourself and your household, which I have been picking up anyway from the large family blogs and things that I read. This is a BIGGIE for me. I promise I will be working on that with the intention of having things running smoothly by the time baby #3 is born. If I'm going to do this difficult thing, I want to take it on responsibly and do the best I can for my kids. I think if I DO, then they will NOT be lacking for anything because there are lots of them close in age. But if I don't, there will seem much more like there isn't enough of me to go around to meet their needs, and then they will probably feel like they are missing out, which I don't want.
Ohhh this is such a long entry!! I guess it's very appropriate for this diary, no matter if I get pregnant right now or not. Unless something big happens to change our plans, we DO plan on an under-two age gap again, and that means we hope to get pregnant again within the next FOUR months - oh my gosh!!! That's the first time I've really thought about it like that! I can NOT believe the time is rolling around again for another bean in my tummy! How exciting!!!! It always seems like yesterday when I was pregnant with my last child, when it comes time to think about whether we'll start trying for the next one! :)
I'm sure there was more I wanted to add to everything here, but it's getting tooooo late to continue. And it's long enough. I think I've said the main things that have been weighing on me, so that's the important thing.
I do not think I will end up pregnant this cycle, though I DO think there's a pretty high likelihood that we have "conceived". I'm sure that lil blasty will not get the chance to burrow into my womb before it's cleared out though :( It's probably for the best though. It gives Matthew more time with my milk flowing nicely! Like with Arthur, I really want Matthew to have allll the breastmilk he can take till he turns one and I can start him on cows milk. I'm sure he'll take to cows milk, but I will keep him mainly on breastmilk until it dries up during pregnancy. That's one of the reasons we are thinking to wait till July to TTC, for an April baby. He'll be 12-13 months then.
Okay, going to bed! Will update with any further waffle about impending period vibes/symptoms as they occur! ;)
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