Journal
Sign guestbook
Arthur's Mummy's Diary
Matthew's Belly Gallery
Nathan's Belly Gallery
Benjamin's Belly Gallery
My Fertility Friend Chart
2005-08-26 - 10.45pm��previous entry��next entry
Queasy and nervous
Well I guess it's a good sign but today I have been feeling really sick. Bleurgh. This evening I feel so grim. Neil made a nice dinner and I could only pick at it and feel yucky. But sometimes I feel nauseous before my period shows up (like the same day or the day before), and also my IBS is horrible at the moment, so it could well be that. I used to be nauseous part of every single day with my IBS. It improved a bit after I got pregnant with Arthur though.
With my pregnancy with Arthur, morning sickness hit me like a TRUCK at exactly 5 weeks and 6 days pregnant. In the evening! Soooo specific. I am anxious about having morning sickness with a little one to look after. I hope I don't get it too badly, whenever I am pregnant again.
Tonight I feel different to last night. Last night I felt like my period was coming. Tonight I feel like I am pregnant. Maybe it's because I have just spent hoooours in the chart gallery at FF and seen fifty billion charts that have implantation dips around 6DPO and no BFP till at least 10DPO.
I was planning to test as late as possible now, but I think I am going to just ease off on the "I must not test!" thing (why not, anyway?!) and just test willy nilly! ;) If my temp is still high tomorrow I will test again. A lady at FF said she saw my chart and if it was her she would be peeing on a stick every day till her period came! Hehe! So I think I will save another night's pee (ow) and test again tomorrow morning. Unless I have a hugearrific temp drop in the morning. But maybe I'll be desperate enough to test anyway. I don't know. If it is negative tomorrow then I think I will test again the next day, if my period hasn't shown by then.
Really, this is all very odd. I am 9 days past ovulation. Surely another lil bean must be responsible for me getting this far since ovulation without my period showing? My hormones haven't been able to do that so far since giving birth to Arthur. Hmmm....
But I am crampy. But then I have been crampy for ages and nothing has come of it so far. I am back to being super nervous about seeing my temp tomorrow morning! I can hardly bear to look at the thermometer when it beeps! Yeurgh.
Today Arthur and I went to the supermarket to do the food shopping. I must update my other diary - it's getting neglected because of all this hype I think! Anyway, I felt so nauseous on the way there in the car. It makes me nervous about if I AM pregnant! I was also kind of headachy again at the supermarket. But not the severe obvious type of headache that I normally get before a period.
I wish I kneeeeewwwww. I forgot how distracting and difficult the two-week-wait can be!!
Today while I was nursing Arthur to sleep, I was thinking more about the possibility that I am pregnant, but it felt really like it was REAL this time, not just wistful thinking. And I realised how scared I feel that I will miscarry or something will go wrong. I think crazy crazy things like, it's surely more likely because statistically don't 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage or something? I am not sure. But anyway. It's quite a lot. And I have already had one healthy pregnancy. Doesn't that leave me a reduced probability of another? And other silly thoughts like, because I'm breastfeeding, I will have a higher risk of miscarriage. I read that somewhere, but I don't know if it was just speculation or even someone else's worries/theories, or what. Or, we can't SURELY be lucky enough to conceive just like that, first try. Something has to go wrong. It's too good to be true.
But I hate that I think things like that. I wish I was a more positive person. But I get scared of things and then they fester. My heart goes cold just when I read about these things happening to other people - where I have little to no emotional involvement. So I just can't imagine how I would cope if it happened to me.
Because I bled pretty heavily last pregnancy, does that mean I have a greater chance of the same again? I see lots of people online who say they have had the same bleeding with each of their pregnancies, and things are fine. Neil's mum had bleeding in three of her pregnancies and two were fine (one was Neil!) and the other she miscarried. I think we were very lucky - well, very blessed - that Arthur is here, because I had a hematoma at the placental site and from what I have read since, that can really go either way. I read that some people lose their babies and others don't. When I had the bleeding and the first scan, they told me I hadn't miscarried yet, but it really could go either way. What if I am more prone to getting this type of hematoma or something, and more likely to bleed in each of my pregnancies? Firstly that's scary because it makes me more likely to lose a baby, and secondly it's scary because there's nothing so awful as seeing blood when you're pregnant. Especially lots.
Why am I even talking about this?! I guess it's an underlying fear. I feel MORE afraid of it this pregnancy than last time, like I was so lucky to have a healthy pregnancy the first time, so surely I can't be that lucky again. Except I don't think it's about luck. I don't really believe in luck. But sometimes my brain forgets and panics and starts thinking in terms of luck and fate and things like that which I felt relief from when I started trusting in God.
Trusting in God. What a good idea for tonight! D'oh. I lose the plot so easily! I just don't want to lose a baby. From the pain I see others going through, I can't bear the idea of going through it myself. I hope so much I won't ever have to. Please God don't let that happen to me. If you bless me with another bean, please let it stick and be healthy and bless my body to carry it safely to term and deliver it safely too.
I hope this is it for me. Somehow I just feel like it is. I will be surprised, I think, if I get my period. It will blow me away actually. So surely that's another good sign of pregnancy in itself?
[edited to add: I just realised that I wrote "I feel more afraid of it THIS PREGNANCY than last time"!! That about sums it up actually. I keep referring to now as "this pregnancy" and Arthur's pregnancy has stopped being "my pregnancy" or "when I was pregnant" and started being, "in Arthur's pregnancy" or "in my last pregnancy". Just a subtle thing, but it really shows me how my mind is actually feeling like I AM pregnant right now. I might not even be pregnant at all, but I do keep thinking "this pregnancy" as though I am. Hmmm....]
Recent entries.....
Babies 7 and 8! :) - 2016-01-10
Babies 6 and 7! - 2013-02-17
Baby #5 !! - 2010-04-03
Nearly 3 months postpartum! - 2009-10-05
6 weeks old already! - 2009-08-25