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2008-09-25 - 10.06pm��previous entry��next entry
Not pregnant! And so sorry for the delay!
Oh I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to worry or annoy anyone with not posting at a crucial time!
My period started last night before bed, and then today - oh my golly, today - I have no idea how the day passed and my children got fed, and I survived it! Weeeeird period, people. Very little cramping, but woooah, the faintness that won't go away with lying down, trying to rest, or eating/drinking for HOURS on end; the nausea that makes me not even able to smile at my baby boy when he beams at me (which I'm sure was a side-effect of the faintness, actually); the exhaustion, and the very familiar hormonal headache that makes everything look greyish. Yeurghen.
The above plus a BORED 3-year-old, a defy-and-challenge happy 2-year-old, and an 8-month-old who will uncharacteristically only nap for 20-30 minutes at a time, but also must scream and cry ear-distortingly for 60 PLUS MINUTES before each and every said 20-30 minute nap, and ohhhhh.... it has been such a day. Neil also had to work late, and I could not - could not get the dinner, or let the boys run out in the garden, or pick up the hideous mess everywhere, or walk up the stairs to take Nathan for a nap. Nathan had to cry it out (those should have capital letters, trust me) twice today because I was more than fully extended trying to achieve something meaningful for the boys (15 mins of painting at the kitchen table, for example - dizzyingly exhausting, and Nathan gasped and choked and cried and screamed the en. tire. time in his cot. I felt TERRIBLE.).
I haven't had a single spare bzzzp (or whatever units of human energy are measured in!) of energy to fire up the laptop, let alone try to update my chart or write a line or two here to let anyone know about my period.
I don't know what's up with my period this time, but I will say that I will GLADLY go back to crippling cramps any dang day over all this faintness and inability to function or meet my children's needs in any way! I can at least be there for them even if I'm doubled up cramping. *sigh*
I haven't had great meals, so maybe that's part of the trouble for me, I don't know. I can't eat dinner because it makes me more queasy, and I feel faint even lying down. I think I just need to go to bed and PRAY that I am somehow feeling a TON better tomorrow. Maybe it's just a Day 1 thing? I really have very little experience with periods in the last FIVE years now! ;) Boy it's making me happy to continue having babies (though pregnancy is probably easily as bad, physically, and for longer!) and thus fewer period before I menopause, than to stop at the 3 sweeties I've got and have this happen every month until I menopause!!! Yikes, what a thought!
I was peeing like a crazy woman (2-hourly in the day!!) till yesterday morning and then I noticed I had not been all afternoon and didn't need to either, by the evening. I still have weirdly soft skin. It's so weird how I have had next to no cramps - except some this morning when the period really kicked in more, but those were mild really, as far as these thing go - and yet SUCH hot, radiating, bad cramps on and off during my luteal phase! Weirdness.
Also, my period didn't come till the end of the day at 12DPO!!!! That's the longest luteal phase I've ever had since having my first baby! :) I only get to 10 days usually and then I'm pregnant the next cycle. My LP this last cycle was 11 days then! :) My LP before having any children was 12 or 13 days. Statistically about 40% of my cycles were 12 day luteal phases, about 50% (or so) were 13 days, and the tiny remainder of the rest of the cycles had a weird 14 or 15 day LP (I think there were 3 in total, over 4 years). So I'm almost back to my pre-baby LP!! Wow!
And that is all. Except, I'm a sucker for taking comments too sensitively, but LK? I found your comment a little condescending, actually. Either that, or genuine enough, but you're not a Christian and thus have no idea of the difficulty in trying to live out a Christian life (which - not easy, folks! But worth the effort! :) ). Yes I AM giving it all to God, but you know, it's a work in progress. I am not that holy! ;) Sure I would also like to NEVER have any fear over any thing for one second, always to do what the Bible says and have God's perfect love cast out my fear, etc. But I am not perfect. I try, and I set that as something I want to do, but I'm not that good at it! ;)
Also, temping every day, not "like mad" but just out of genuine interest (and excitement, am I allowed that?!) in my cycle. I am guessing you didn't read my entry a couple (? not sure when) of entries back where I said it looks for all the world as though we are TRYING to conceive because we only have parsnips in the fertile window every cycle! ;) But, basically we are exhausted parents of 3 children under 4, and frankly I could not care less to ever have parsnips for the entire month, UNTIL the magic hormones arrive for a few days and make me quite the opposite animal ;) Naturally, those hormones are also responsible for my body being fertile, otherwise why would they also make me frisky as heck?! That's the beauty of God's design! ;) So, for a few days there lies the chance for the exhaustion, lack of time, and a gazillion baby/kid-waking interruptions to be shoved aside by the, uhm, desire to procreate! *cough* And it's not about getting pregnant, trust me. So, you have the wrong end of the stick there. We are not TRYING to have a baby. Our "policy" is to have parsnips as and when we both desire to and not otherwise, whether that's daily (excuse me while I fall over laughing) or NOT FOR MONTHS. Happily for Neil (bless his patient heart!), my hormones are on his side at least once a month, haha!
I hope I get a positive pregnancy test too, but not because it's obviously something "I so badly want" - it's not that I want it "so badly" - you make me sound desperate and even hypocritical like I'm saying one thing (that I'll trust God) and then manipulating things subtley to contradict that thing I said. Which isn't fair, because I'm not! But it's perfectly reasonable and also godly to eagerly desire more babies, even one in the very near future if God is pleased with that notion! :) So I'm happy to say that, yes, I can't wait to have more babies! But I am not willing to manipulate God's timing by purposely timing the parsnips or anything. I do confess to getting overly excitable during my luteal phases! ;) And it's rather less fun to wait for my period, knowing there's NO chance of pregnancy, but that doesn't mean I'm not leaving it up to God, now does it? To be honest, there very nearly were NO parsnips whatsoever this (er, last) cycle due to knackeredness and sleep-disturbed, full-of-cold littlies. I even recall sitting downstairs while Neil settled one of the little ones and, you know, danced around the bedroom sprinkling decongestant essential oils (!!), resigning myself to the idea that there would be no fun wait to see if God had blessed us this cycle. But then hey-presto! Calpol and Karvol and little elevated heads gave us a romantic window, hehe! ;) Thanks for wishing me all the best :)
Soooo, that's it really. My period is kicking my butt, but that should go soon, and then I get to be excited about what God might do all over again with this new cycle! :)
Happily, I have no regrets about last cycle ending the way it did. About noon yesterday I was walking downstairs for what felt like the millionth time after checking my underwear (*sigh*) and my mind was wandering yet again to the weird confusing temps and symptoms, and suddenly I felt tired of it. Right there on the stairs I asked for closure please, Lord, one way or the other. And then got on with the rest of my day without dwelling on it nearly so much. And so when my period arrived, I spent about oh, 15 seconds feeling like, "Aw, bummer...." and then have felt perfectly, perfectly happy with it. I went straight to gaze at my sleeping babies and just treasured their sweet round cheeks, and relaxed little lips, and luxuriously long eyelashes that are nothing to do with my stumpy genes, fanned out so prettily over their sleeping cheeks. And especially when I looked at Nathan sleeping for a while and lay my lips on his soft new hair and my hand on his sweet lil cheek as he slept, I felt like I might love him more than I ever had before, if that were even possible! I just felt so glad to give him my milk for another month without hormonal change. Sooooo happy! :) And I thanked God for his perfect timing - as in, not this month. I was so grateful and happy.
When Nathan woke a short while later and I nursed him, I picked him up all sack-of-potatoes-y (he was completely zonked) to burp him and lay him back in his cot, and often I whisper to him as I pick him up. This time, without expecting it, I whispered in his ear, "I love you so much, my only baby boy!" And I was quite surprised by it, but as I held him and rocked him, I was thinking about it, and I guess I am just glad that he's my one and only baby right now (I mean, the other's are my babies too, but he's the only one that's actually "baby" age, of course!). I am so eager and excited to have another baby just as soon as God is pleased to bless us with one, but in the time that I wait I am also just so very happy for Nathan to be my only baby, not to to "share" with another, however tiny and far-away that other baby might be.
Anyway, so I just wanted to say:
I got my period!
I'm sorry I neglected to update till now!
I AM trying to leave it all to God!
I'm so happy with my situation, and so grateful to God for his perfect wisdom in the timing of our little ones and the size of our family*.
You can bet I'll be back in about 3 weeks time, hehe! ;) Maybe I'll ovulate a bit earlier again this time, so probably more like 2 weeks or so from now. I can't wait! But you bet I'm enjoying my sweet three while I do.
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* This will be a mega challenge for me to continue saying if God, in his perfect wisdom, does not intend for me to have any more babies! But I will TRY. Fail, muchly. But try. I promise.
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Babies 7 and 8! :) - 2016-01-10
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