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2008-10-05 - 1:38 a.m.��previous entry��next entry
Broody. Good and proper.
It's Saturday, so I'm updating! Haha! Well, actually, Shannon told me to update because it's Saturday (!), so since I was already thinking of updating (honest!), here I am! :) Thanks for missing me, Shannon!
Well, I don't actually have much to say (steady yourselves, hehe!), but I did want to update this weekend.
My period was WEIRD, and I feel pretty sure that I had an early chemical pregnancy. I had such faint lines on my pregnancy tests. I still can't bring myself to call them positives, as they were too faint to show in a photograph, but they came up within 3 minutes. And the symptoms. But also, the weird period. Now, I know those can happen now and again, but this one continued to be different for me after I last wrote here. It lasted much longer and was heavier, and I spotted for days afterwards. Also the loss on day 2 had grey/pink matter to it, like my previous chemical pregnancies. And I had a big hormonal "crash" on day 4 (which in the past has happened on day 3, so near enough). So I'm going with the Chemical Pregnancy #5 idea. That is 2 in a row, which I have never had before. Usually I have a chemical pregnancy and then a sticky pregnancy. I hope I don't keep having those! I guess it's because my body isn't quite ready to sustain a pregnancy. It makes me feel a TINY bit sad because it could well be that those were healthy, chromosomally normal babies starting out there, but my body let them down instead of it being the fact that the baby was never going to be viable. But it's silly for me to dwell on that sort of thing, probably, so I'm not.
But, *NEW* this month!! Baby Fever. Ohhhh yes. I am now officially Good and Broody. I have no idea why. Perhaps it's that two of my old school friends have recently had babies? I don't know. Or (more plausibly), perhaps it's that Nathan is suddenly making leaps and bounds in his development and growth? Since this time last cycle, he is now crawling well, and spending most of his awake time standing at furniture or toy boxes, and cruising round the house. He has grown such a lot lately and his hair is getting quite long. No teeth yet though! :) But he's soooo different just in the space of a month. Maybe that's why I get itchy to have another baby more than ever when my babies are about 9 months old?! Maybe it's more to do with their stage of development than I realise?!
Anyway, one way or another, I am now really feeling enthusiastic about getting pregnant again. I'm also nervous because of how I'll manage with 3 littles and morning sickness, and so on. More so than when I have 3 and a new baby. Pregnancy can be so hard with multiple small people around to care for! And also, how do I adequately feed/rest myself, keep the house clean and tidy, prepare any of the day's meals, organise outings and naps, or homeschool/do activities with the kiddos?! While exhausted and queeeeaaase-ridden?! It maketh me nervous. And my mum, ever practical and hoping to steer me into sensible thinking (ie. realise that it would daft to have another baby so soon, or even at all! *sigh*) asks me exactly what I plan to do to manage and care for the boys when morning sickness arrives. I just don't know! But I told her that I think I just somehow WILL manage, because I have to. And also, I can't remember how on earth, but I have already DONE it! I had 2 toddlers last time I was pregnant and morning sick, and we all survived and even seemed to do okay (I think?! Memory fails me!) so surely it's possible with 3 as well?!
Anyway. I don't know if I've really talked about this here yet, but when I think realistically about being actually pregnant again, I realise that I have a bigger anxiety issue that I thought, hanging over from my last pregnancy.
If you were reading me last pregnancy, then you might remember the torrential bleeding I had near the end of my first trimester. 10 weeks and 6 days, I think. It's emblazoned on whatever part of my brain. I still think about that a lot, in the same way as I still dwell on my birth experiences a lot (though that is positive dwelling!), without meaning to. I think maybe it has affected me more than I thought it had. I'm ever so scared about bleeding again during this next pregnancy. I know it doesn't mean I will, but it's just that I have had bleeding in one form or another in EVERY pregnancy, so it stands to reason that I will experience it again - maybe I'm one of those women who just "does" bleeding in pregnancy?
With Arthur it was a subchorionic haematoma (a bleed between the placental site and the baby's sac, basically) at 6 weeks-ish and it scared the heck out of me, being my first pregnancy. With Matthew I only had spotting, but persistant enough for a while. It wasn't worrying me too much, but I got an early scan to be sure. I had much more problematic bleeding with Nathan, and very persistantly, and they struggled to find a cause at first. I had the spotting here and there early on, so I got an early scan like the other pregnancies. But something very different happened at 11 weeks and it was just so scary. I read my entries about it just now because I am reminded of it, and even after all this time I still feel panicky whilst reading them. I had a low placenta, apparently, but otherwise there was no visible sign of the cause of all that bleeding. A few weeks later I started bleeding again, and that was a BIG haematoma between my placenta and Nathan's little head. It was the same size as Nathan! Again, SCARY. I just spent so many weeks bleeeding during my last pregnancy, and I can't shake the fear of seeing blood again next time I'mm pregnant. Even seeing a little bit would freak me out, with my past experiences. Urgh.
So, I'm scared of being pregnant again for that. I'm really scared about miscarrying, after a really obvious start to a normal pregnancy, not like the chemical pregnancies. But otherwise I'm starting to really miss being pregnant, and longing for the experience again! :)
I wonder if God will bless me with a baby this cycle? Nathan will be 9 months old on the 12th (next weekend) which is roughly around the time I'm expecting that I might ovulate. So the age gap would be 18 months. How has time passed so that SUDDENLY we're talking about an age gap as "big" as 18 months already?!?! It's crazy! My other age gaps are 19 months (although Matthew and Nathan were meant to be 20 months apart) so we're getting to that "natural window" again, hehe! No wonder the broody feelings are gearing up! ;) If I do conceive this cycle then the baby would be due in early July, I think. Last cycle's chemical would have been a due date of June 5th - two days before my due date with Matthew! I neeevvvver thought of having a July baby, or August for that matter, back in the day when I was planning these things, hehe! But who cares about that sort of thing any more?! I just can't wait for another sweet precious bundle to love and hold and enjoy!
So I am already on Cycle Day 11!! I'm not sure how! I lost my thermometer down the back of the bed for a week (!), so I have a block of missing temps on my chart, but hey ho. It's the boring part of my chart so that's okay! ;) Of note this cycle is that I have a definite interest in parsnips already. Now, that just never happens (ever!) till I have useful hormones when I am fertile. I'm not fertile yet because it's too early and also I have NO fertile signs. But this is day 3 (in a row!) that I've noticed increased interest in such things! ;) I normally chart it, and I finally did so for today, but I feel weird about charting it every day that I've noticed it, because I feel a bit... private about it, and don't want people looking at my chart thinking about my libido which is lit up in some vivid colour on the chart, haha! So I only charted it today, to draw my own attention to the general "patch" of increased interest. But I'm making note of it here. Sadly, Neil has a cold/throat thingy, the boys are exhausting right now, and a particularly good opportunity was ruined by me getting stung by a bee yesterday late afternoon whilst changing Nathan's nappy on my bed!!! What are the odds?!?! See now, if this WAS my fertile time, I would be thinking that maybe God was not planning this to be The Month, hehe! My bee sting hurt soooooo much for the best part of 24 hours and yesterday evening and through the night I was "on ice" so that was that! ;)
I wrote this entry MUCH earlier tonight and now it's the middle of the night and I'm up after Nathan fed and needed a bit of resettling (due to big wee-wee nappy needing a change), and went to put the laptop away, only to discover that I hadn't finished or posted this entry! So here I am to finish and post it, and then go to sleep!
I'm expecting to notice some signs that ovulation might be getting near-ish within this next week (exciting!) so I'll probably be more bloggy from that point :) Thanks for all the lovely messages after my last entry about getting my period after all. I really appreciate them all!
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