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2007-07-22 - 5:32 p.m.��previous entry��next entry
10 weeks, 6 days - scared silly
There's an entry right before this one - it's the late 10 week entry from a couple of days ago (saved on Word) but this one had to come right after. But read the other one first maybe.
I don�t know what to write today. I have SO much to write, and I had written an entry in Word from a couple of days ago (for the late 10-week entry) but didn�t end up getting chance to post it. Today I am 10 weeks and 6 days pregnant, so pretty much 11 weeks really. But everything is SO different today.
I am currently the last man standing with the stomach bug. Neil was throwing up this morning, urgh. I was up from about 5.30am with Matthew (though I managed to get him back to sleep till 7, but I couldn�t go back to sleep with Neil poorly and all that). Lilian is still here but she was meant to go home today. She has had the bug too so is still contagious and I have nobody healthy left to turn to! But anyway. I am constantly scared about coming down with the darn stupid bug. And Neil�s new job starts tomorrow. I don�t know how that will work, but anyway.
So I got up with the boys HOURS earlier than I usually have to get up. The kind of early that I will now have to do every day with Neil commuting a long way to get to his new job every day. I was so exhausted and needed to eat. But the boys were using everything I had � Matthew was getting into everything, and they needed nappy changes and breakfast, so that had to come before I could eat. I was frantically getting breakfast for them, as I was feeling really lightheaded and faint, I guess because I was REALLY hungry and just pregnant and all that. I sorted Arthur�s out, and started to feed Matthew his, and they just wanted this and that and the other which had me getting up from the table to grab it for them every few seconds. I tried to get a few bites of cereal while I did it, but I just felt so physically stretched.
Anyway. Arthur finished and I got him down from the table and in the other room, and set about to finish sorting Matthew�s breakfast out, when I SUDDENLY (out of absolutely nowhere) felt fluid let-down in my underwear. I instantly got this clutching �Oh no� feeling, like I knew just from the sensation that it wasn�t �good� fluid. It was bright red blood. I got Lilian to do the rest of Matthew�s breakfast and went upstairs to get a pad and see what was going on. It had only just started, but there was such a lot of blood, it just ran into the toilet as I sat there. I was just shaking so much, and I didn�t know what to do, because Neil had just thrown up like an HOUR before (if that), so I knew he would be completely out of action for at least 6 hours, going by the others when they were sick with it. He also had a bad headache (he�s not sure whether it�s a migraine or the bug, but since it�s been like 10 years since he threw up with a migraine (though he always gets nauseous enough to feel like he will), and there�s a bug in the household at the moment, I would say it�s the bug). I didn�t know who to call or what to do or where to turn. I also had to decide FAST because I was bleeding FAST. I had just been sitting at the kitchen table feeding Matthew his cereal (it went mushy), and I was thinking how I felt crampy. I have been feeling crampy for a good couple of days now, and I have remarked on it to Neil every day for a few days. It didn�t feel like BAD crampy, and I just figured it was to do with the fact that my uterus has nearly outgrown my pelvis now. I seem to recall getting crampy around this time in my other pregnancies for that reason. Anyway, I have still been having the morning sickness, though yesterday I said to Neil that maybe it was slightly more manageable as I ate a pretty good lunch. I felt queasy as anything later though. We ate a picnic lunch at the park yesterday so maybe the distraction accounted for the fact that it was easier to eat with less nausea?
Anyway. I had to go in to where Neil was trying to sleep, to find some sort of sanitary pad (which I don�t use, and have pretty much been just pregnant for 3 years now (!), so I didn�t know if I had any). I just had a wad of loo roll while I looked, but I bled through it before I found a pad. I found some leftover maternity pads so that was okay in the end. I explained to Neil, who was really too ill and out of it to even say much or even look at me. He just said to take the boys and Lilian and all go to the hospital. That�s when I realised I was going to have to go to A&E. At least it was Sunday morning and HOPEFULLY not a busy time. I was so shaky. I picked up the phone to call the number for the emergency doctor, as I didn�t know how I was going to get us there, and my fingers just dialled out Sue�s number (a lady from church who has come to my rescue (usually prayer-wise) many times over many years now. I told her about the bug and Neil�s first day at work tomorrow and the fact that I had just started bleeding heavily. She knows I am pregnant. Thank goodness I didn�t have to explain, �Oh! By the way I�m pregnant!� � I am glad to tell people earlier on, even if I end up having to un-tell. To be honest, that would probably be something Sue or other friends would do for me, so it wouldn�t be as traumatic as it seems.
Sue prayed for me on the phone and said she could take me to the hospital but her car was full of stuff that was needed for the church service a couple of hours later, so she couldn�t stay with me for long at the hospital. I just did not know who to call. I realised I did not want to take the boys with me. At all. So, if I didn�t, Lilian would HAVE to stay with them, because Neil was not up to getting up and looking after them. Then I would be on my own at the hospital and I was anxious about that. In the end, I called my brother and he was wonderful. He got straight on a bus and headed over, and Sue came to pick me up to take me to the hospital.
We went in to A&E and I was seen by a triage nurse pretty quickly. There weren�t many people. I had blood taken because the nurse remarked on how pale I was. I was just so nervous and shaky. I hadn�t really had breakfast or anything. My blood pressure and pulse were taken but she didn�t remark on those. I had to do a urine sample which was basically RED but they said that was okay. It was mainly when I stood up that I bled heavily. If I was sitting still for a while then it seemed to slow down. Sue stayed with me in the waiting area until Bennie arrived. He had brought me water and was so reassuring and just such a nice person to have around while I waited. I wanted to cry when I saw him but did not want to let that out just yet. I felt like I could probably turn into basically a mess if I let my emotions start coming out, and I didn�t want to just yet. We had at least an hour of waiting and I felt more and more (and MORE) crampy as we sat there, till it was almost like period pain :( I was aware of less and less bleeding going on though, but I knew it would kick in when I stood up.
Finally my name was called and a doctor led us down a corridor to the major treatment area. The walk was literally about 30 seconds and in that time, I bled so heavily that the NEW maternity pad they gave me to put on earlier was instantly soaked and blood ran down my legs and through my jeans. It was so scary, it makes me feel shaky to even write about it. The doctor was telling me where we would go, pointing across the room, but I just kept cutting him off and saying, �I�ve got to sit down, I�m bleeding through my jeans!� so he took us to a room quickly and I got to lie on a bed with the head raised. Bennie said it wasn�t too bad on my jeans, but it felt like there was lots of blood.
The doctor came in and asked me a bunch of questions, and then went away for a while. I drank some more water and then needed to pee so I went in the little adjoining bathroom and the blood loss was like I was peeing blood :( Still bright red. I was so crampy. I kept putting my hand on my womb and it was like a clenched rock, so I knew things were not good. The cramps never ebbed or flowed, they were continous, and my uterus never went soft.
We waited ages, and eventually the doctor came and wanted to do an internal examination. Bennie waited outside and a nice A&E nurse held my hand while I shook SO hard and tried not to cry. The doctor said he was looking to see if my cervix was open or not. He had to keep swabbing blood away so he could see, and every time he would put some bloodied object on the tray with forceps, I was terrified that he�d tweezed my baby from my open cervix and plopped it on the tray as some specimen. There was too much blood to make out that they were just blood-soaked swabs and I was really scared. I hadn�t had any clots or � as he kept calling it � �Products of Conception� (I HATE that). When he finished, the nice nurse fetched me what she called �a lovely pair of netty knickers�!! And I put those on with a fresh pad. Then Bennie came back in and the doctor talked to me about what he saw. He said he thought my cervix was about 1cm open, but that he couldn�t see any �Products of Conception�. It was basically a bit inconclusive. He said that my cervix may be starting to open for a miscarriage, or it might just be normal for me to have a slightly open cervix because of having had 2 babies already. I didn�t think the cervix is supposed to be open AT ALL at this stage of pregnancy.
Anyway. He said if I was going to miscarry then I would need to be admitted � oh my gosh, I hadn�t even thought of being admitted! I was already having a hard time with the idea that my little boys were at home without me all those hours, when they usually had me to breastfeed them and snuggle them, and get them sleepy for their naps. Lilian is very capable and I wasn�t worried about them with her, but I was anxious that they might get upset if I was gone for long, especially when it came to normal times when I�m ALWAYS there like naps or nursing. I did NOT want to be admitted to hospital. Anyway the doctor said he was new and that he would rather consult the ob/gyn on call for her opinion. So I waited about an hour and then she came to see me. She did another internal (which hurt WAY less) and took a swab. She told me that bleeding appeared to have stopped (none was coming from my cervix any more) and that my cervix was long and closed � phew! She said it did have a slightly open appearance, even though it wasn�t, due to me having had a couple of babies already. I was so relieved! She said that I could go home, but that this is a threatened miscarriage and really I could be going home to wait to miscarry. The earliest scan she could arrange for me was Tuesday morning (the day after tomorrow), to see if the pregnancy is viable. I hadn�t had time to check with my Doppler before Sue picked me up.
But I heard the heartbeat 2 evenings ago, sounding all normal, and I felt a lovely sweepy limb flicking across my womb just yesterday, I feel SURE of it. I even said to Neil at the time, �Oh! I just felt the baby!� because it was so clear. It seems so ODD that at 11 weeks pregnant, the baby could die so recently and ALREADY my body could have registered it and started to miscarry. There should be a big old gap for my hormone levels to drop right down enough before my body registered it and started the process of miscarrying. It�s so odd. I didn�t mention that I was feeling movements and had a home Doppler. I just felt silly mentioning it, so I didn�t.
So now I am home. Sue came and picked me up and brought me home, and my lovely lovely brother went home on the bus. He didn�t just sit with me, he was so involved. He asked the doctor questions, and he shook with me when the doctor was saying scary stuff about what might be happening. Maybe it�s a genetic thing, that we both get shaky so easily when we�re nervous?! He had brought their pregnancy book too, and as soon as the doctor left after he said �threatened miscarriage� he looked up the term in the book for me, to see what to expect and what to do :) He�s the sweetest brother.
I am so crampy. I have been told to take paracetamol around the clock, and I took some when I got home but I�m still really crampy and sore. My womb feels sore to the touch, especially if pressed, even gently. People here are ILL and I feel so insecure in my own home when people are ill. Everyone�s germy. I�m terrified of getting sick, more so than ever now that I have an �unstable� womb. I know that if I throw up, I could bleed very heavily as a result, maybe even lose the baby if that�s what�s starting. I�m scared to miscarry, to have bad pain and bleed very heavily, and at 11 weeks (with a baby that DID develop that far), I�m scared to pass the baby � how it might feel and what I might see.
I have my Doppler right there in the drawer but I�m too scared to use it. It would be final confirmation for me, and I can�t bear to hear nothing, no matter how hard I search. But, weirdly enough, I also feel like I can�t bear to HEAR the heartbeat. I feel like it would be too much, like my emotions would go into overload and I can�t cope with such an outpouring right now. Also I am still so crampy, and bleeding again fairly heavily again now. If I DID hear Beanlet, things could still be in the balance and it might just be too painful to hear the little one striving so hard to survive when my body might be about to reject him (or her). I don�t understand why it�s happening though. I heard the heartbeat so recently. I have felt movements. I�m 11 weeks, quite far on. The likelihood of miscarrying this far on after hearing a healthy heartbeat on a Doppler are sooooo low. I asked about whether I might have a low lying placenta but the doctor said at this stage it is probably too early for that to be the cause of heavy bleeding, so, no.
The doctor said with miscarriage they are typically expecting dark red blood and mine is bright red, so that was in my favour at least. But now it�s dark red, now I�m home and it has started again. I don�t know if it�s just bright red blood that is in the process of turning old after the main bleed has finished, because eventually it will go brown, right? So maybe dark red is somewhere on the spectrum? Am I just kidding myself? I still have no clots, but I�m anxious because even with just blood, after a while it�s going to clot, isn�t it. And then I�ll pass those. And be ultra scared.
I am resting because the doctor said I must rest today. I feel shaky and lightheaded and weak. And so crampy. It hurts to walk really, in my low abdomen. The boys were so pleased to see me. But Arthur is inconsolable for want of Mummy milky. I am not sure if I should breast feed while I am so very crampy, in case it increases the cramps or something. I haven�t got a clear enough mind or any useful memory right now to remember whether that would make a diddle of difference or not. But I�m anxious to make the cramping worse, because of how sore it already is. And. I don�t know what else to say.
Darn HECK it, I swear I just felt a flutter and a sweep where I usually feel Beanlet move, right this second! I am still too scared to actually check to see if Beanlet is alive in there. I will want to do so before Tuesday though, because I think it will be even worse to see bad news at the scan than to get a heads-up from the Doppler first. But I�m scared to find out.
I have felt like crying a lot, but I don�t want to do it. I feel like I want everyone to leave me alone and give me a sustained time of peace and quiet. I want some space. Lilian is staying 2 more days, even though her mum is having a hip replacement tomorrow (and thus really needs her there), but someone from her church is taking her to hospital instead. I can�t do without Lilian and she is the most wonderful help! But I feel like I�m sort of having to keep a stiff upper lip for a visitor, and I long for space to break down a little. I don�t feel I can. The house feels SO small � too small to have some private space. Neil is up and about and watching the boys already. He feels a lot better. He wants to go to work as normal tomorrow on his first day � I don�t blame him. I am scared to do the whole day without him because I don�t know what the day will bring. Or if I�ll get sick from the bug while he�s gone (terrified of that, on its own!).
I just don�t know what else to say. But I will keep you guys updated. Please pray for me. I don�t know what else to say or do, or think, at all. I am crampy and I feel some bleeding right now (not much) even though I�m lying down. I�m scared. I just want some resolution, I hate hanging on in fear and not knowing what to expect next. I will update very soon � later or tomorrow if there is news.
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