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2007-07-23 - 5.50pm��previous entry��next entry
11 weeks - update on the scary stuff
Hello, all you incredibly lovely people reading my diary! Thank you so much for all the loving and supportive messages and notes after yesterday's scared entry, they all mean so much to me. Thanks Jemma for the link about breastfeeding with a threatened miscarriage - I am breastfeeding the boys again as normal and not noticing any cramping, so that's a relief! And Arthur is happy too!
My bleeding has stopped. I have a trace of red/brown bleeding over a few hours, but that's all. I am still SO tender and crampy though in my uterus. It does feel soft most of the time now, instead of like a little rock.
Last night I felt that flicky sweepy sensation like Beanlet moving again, so I finally caved and got my doppler out. I found the heartbeat!!!! :) I didn't realise that I wasn't breathing at ALL until I let out a huuuuge breath when I found it. Good thing I found it within a minute then! ;) I was so relieved to hear it. The heartrate was 175 and so I feel much more confident that Beanlet is just fine in there. I am still anxious about the source of the bleeding and whether that can still put Beanlet at risk, whatever it is. Other people's stories online are starting to make me think that it could be a subchorionic hematoma - which is what I was diagnosed with during Arthur's pregnancy, but earlier on and with less bleeding than this (and not so RED). At the time I was told that it's a bit touch and go with those, and that if you don't rest it could turn things more towards miscarriage. But someone online said it happened to them at 10 weeks and the doctor told her that she had virtually the same risk of miscarriage as someone who WASN'T having a subchorionic hematoma. Oh, which is a bleed from the site of the placenta, or something, by the way.
Anyway. I am just SO SO SO relieved to have heard Beanlet. I am glad I was right about feeling him/her moving! I have felt quite a few movements since as well. When I found the heartbeat with the doppler, I could also hear some serious activity going on in there - Beanlet was being VERY busy, which was extra reassuring. With the lovely kerplonkerplonkerplonkerplonk of his/her heart beating in the background, there were constant wiggling and kicking sounds, like - doof.... bip!.... splatch!.... doof... scuffle... doof-doof, etc! I was nervous that I wouldn't hear a heartbeat and if Neil and Lilian could hear the doppler sounds, they'd be listening out too. I wanted privacy, so I plugged headphones into it. At one point I had the heartbeat sooooo clearly, like Beanlet was right under the doppler. Then suddenly there was such a hard thump from Beanlet that it hurt my ears through the headphones, and I felt the kick clearly against my tummy where I had the Doppler placed! Beanlet's heartbeat instantly disappeared! He/she must have jumped clear across my womb! I'm so so so glad that the little one is so active and healthy in there. I just hope there is nothing happening that will threaten his/her healthy little existance.
Today I can feel my womb REALLY differently to yesterday. I don't know what's up with that, if it's related to yesterday's events at all, or what. But it's suddenly 2 inches higher, and a really obvious rounded bulge sticking out of my tummy. It doesn't change my shape that much to look at, but if you lay your hand on my tummy anywhere below the tummy button, it's instantly obvious that there's a big old WOMB there. I can feel the whole shape of it, it's rounded and no longer bulging above the pubic bone. It actually curves back in again BEFORE my pubic bone, so I wonder if somewhere in the trauma of yesterday, my uterus officially "popped" up over my pubic bone properly?
I am so wiped out today, like I can�t describe. I am breathless and exhausted, and when I stand up I feel lightheaded and cold and have to put my head down. I went to the doctor about it this morning, because I thought maybe I lost enough blood to bother my body. I did have bloods taken when I arrived at the hospital, and they said that those were fine and that I wasn�t anaemic, but I always get so annoyed about those tests in situations like this. They take blood BEFORE the biggest part of my blood loss, and then say oh but your blood results were fine. Tsk. The blood was taken BEFORE the huge-o jean-soaking episode, and a lot more bleeding occurred after that. Anyway. So I went to the doctor. I also don�t have much colour to my face at all, and although I�m sometimes a bit pale if I�m tired or something, it usually bounces back after a while. But it hasn�t been. I am just pale and knackered looking. The doctor took my blood pressure which was fine (118/75) and my pulse which was 88. And she took blood to check again for anaemia. She asked me if I wanted her to listen with the Doppler, and I said yes please. I told her I have one at home and had found the heartbeat. She started out looking way too high for ages, so in the end I said I always find it much lower and she found it pretty quick. It was lovely to hear it again :)
I felt ever so tearful at the doctor�s and had the hardest time not breaking into tears while I was talking to her. I don�t know why. Driving home in the car I just wanted to go somewhere quiet for a few HOURS and cry and cry. It felt achy inside somewhere that I had to go home because I had told my tiny boys that Mummy would not be gone long today, just a quick visit to see our nice doctor and then home again by the time they were eating their lunch. So I couldn�t. I don�t know why I SO want to cry. It feels like a tonne weight on my chest that I know won�t go till I do some serious sobby crying. But I don�t know why. I heard Beanlet in there doing fine, so that should make me happy. I AM happy, but also a bit anxious about the bleeding, and for some reason the huge emotional weight is still there. Lovely people are coming to help me this week (Lilian is staying all of Tuesday and then Rosemary (Neil�s other sister who just had an 11-week miscarriage in March) is coming on Wednesday to let me get some rest and watch the boys (with Ella!)). I need to find some help for Thursday and Friday. The doctor says I need to rest, and my body certainly agrees right now. But all this lovely help means I must hold on to my achy weight on my chest until I get some private time to release it. It�s so weird. The way it feels. Why it�s there. And why I am being so weird about having a good cry when somebody else might � gasp! - notice!! I am not good at crying in front of other people, so maybe that�s part of it. And maybe another big part is how HUGE it feels, like I will need to SOB AND CRY for like 3 hours straight. Which would be.... uncomfortable? Embarrassing? I don�t know. Maybe it will go away and I won�t need to? I can�t think why I�m even thinking about it, pfthth.
So GOOD news today :) Beanlet is okay! I am a bit nervous about my scan tomorrow, to see where the bleeding is coming from and if it poses a risk for Beanlet. But LONGING to see my little one again! My appt is at the EPU again, so it will likely be a trans-vaginal ultrasound. This is great because at 11 weeks it will be sooooooo detailed! I am going on my own, and I think I�m okay with that now I know Beanlet is doing okay in there. My appt is at 10.50am. I�ll try to update as soon as I can about how it went � maybe even during the afternoon?
And I�m 11 weeks pregnant today :) I hope I have at least 29 more to go....
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