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2008-09-23 - 10:35 a.m.��previous entry��next entry
11DPO...
Well, I'm 11DPO today and still do not have my period. My bad cramps the day before yesterday eased off over the course of yesterday, and I only had a few crampy moment yesterday evening. Today, nothing particularly noticable in terms of cramps, just the usual barely there mild cramps. So that is weird. Unless I'm pregnant. But on that note:
I peed at 1.20am, and then NEEDED to pee at 5.30am, so bad that I didn't know how I'd ever get back to sleep without going to the loo! This is night #5 in a row with night time peeing. Definitely something up there. I never pee at night unless I'm pregnant or have had crazy fluids in the evening. Anyway I held on, and thanks to Meg's advice I knew I could pee in a cup if I couldn't wait, and then test it later when the postman brought my cheapy internet pregnancy tests. But I figured that I should hang on as long as I possibly could because I last went at 1.20am. I really wanted to make it to 8 hours. And I did! Phew! The postman arrived at 9.15am! ;)
So I peed and - negative, AGAIN. Well, I do see a faint line, but to be honest I feel a bit glum about the whole thing so I'm being pessimistic about the test. By faint line, I mean shadowy faint, and the kind of faint that makes my early positives with the boys look like STARK lines in comparison! It also reminds me muchly of the kind of faint "maybe there??" lines that I have seen before on chemical pregnancies. Pfthth.
Today I also had a bit of a drop in temperature. It was 36.7, which is down from 36.9. It's still high, in the triphasic range even, so my chart is still triphasic. But still. That and the negative-ish test makes me feel like there's no hope for this cycle. And I'm amazed (again!) at how disappointed I am, what with the fact that I have an 8-month-old baby and am supposed to be leaving it all to God! Tsk! ;) It's not great evidence that I'm truly leaving it in God's hands if I'm busy getting disappointed and slightly huffy, if I'm completely honest, about something that I thought was happening when it's not really. I think that's it though - I really thought/think I was/am pregnant. Yes, yes, I know I say this every cycle pretty much, and some of you are chuckling at my naiivity (that word does NOT look right! But never mind). But some of my symptoms (and really there are very few anyway this cycle) are indisputable. I never cramp badly in the LP unless pregnant (this would be the first time in my charting history if not), I never get weirdly soft skin unless pregnant. Ever. Neil can attest to that. My chart looks classically pregnant with the hugely triphasic-ness and the flat temps and the dip at 7DPO (if that was implantation though, like I said earlier in my LP, it would probably be too late to properly take hold given my short LP - also it's the latest I have ever known myself to experience implantation, except Arthur who was also a 7DPO implantation - all the others including chemical pregnancies were earlier than 7DPO). But I also know charts CAN look pregnant and still not really be. But add everything together this cycles.... I really do feel like I'm pregnant now.
But a negative-ish test at 11DPO - even if I'm wrong about my ovulation date and I ovulated the day after I thought, instead - that just feels like there's no way I have a viable pregnancy going on. All my clear positive tests have been between 10DPO and 12DPO. I should see something by now, if it's really true. So since I don't see anything, I'm concluding that it's not really true. Bummer.
BUT! Not bummer. Because God really does know what's best for me, and for all of us in our little family. He knows the name of our next baby and planned all his/her days before time began. He knows the date of his/her conception and birth, and death, for that matter. So, I should (can?) just rejoice and relax about it, and just wait till God blesses us again! :) Also, every month that I'm not pregnant has a big bonus - my sweet baby boy gets another full month of mama milk that isn't on the verge of being depleted by pregnancy hormones, and that is GOOD! My milk usually starts to be impacted by pregnant from around 9 weeks - around then I still have lots of milk but I notice that I never leak. And shortly after that I find that I don't feel the let-down reflex for very long all that often, and so on. By 14 weeks it's much more sparse, and by 18 (or 20, last time) weeks it's ALL GONE. So, if I was pregnant now, he'd be about 9.5 months old by the time 9 weeks came around, and nearly 11 months when my milk became very sparse, so that's not ideal. Each extra month means he'll be that bit older. If we conceive next month, he might make to a year old before my milk becomes too sparse to provide the bulk of his nutrition (which is important to me up to that age).
Anyway, those are my thoughts. I'm stealing the boys' time by updating in the day, and they're starting to act up so I must go and focus on them for the rest of today! I guess with a bit of a temp drop, even if it's still high, I could start my period today. Or at least notice signs that it's coming? Otherwise I guess tomorrow's temp will be the decider. I'm slightly dreading temping tomorrow (if I get that far) and finding it really low. But I must keep focused on the fact that God knows best, God knows best, God knows best! :)
And I'll keep you updated :)
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