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2008-08-20 - 11.20pm��previous entry��next entry
Another cycle rolling right along...
I've just realised that I last updated here exactly a month ago today! It was the 20th then, too!
Thanks for the comments and notes! Also thank you for missing my updates, Melanie! :)
Well, here I am again to write about my current cycle. I should probably explain briefly before I start, that you should all expect me to update with pregnancy expectations EVERY SINGLE CYCLE, unless we literally have no parsnips within like a week before ovulation! Just so you know. I don't care how small the chances might be, if there's even a slivery-thin one, it's still there. It doesn't stress me out to wonder, or end up with me being all miserably disappointed. I actually find it so much FUN to wonder every month. It's kind of boring without even a slim possibility, hehe! I am enjoying it, loving it even. I know I frustrate some people with my monthly "Ooooh, it's so incredibly unlikely but I have this minescule pregnancy symptom and I really think I really really might really be pregnant after all!!!" thing, followed by not necessarily being pregnant after all! ;) Well, statistically speaking, I usually am pregnant on those cycles, hehe! ;) But I know it's just as possible that I'm not, and I also get a definite vibe from some comments that it annoys some people.
I want to be really NICE in saying that you should expect me to be doing this little cycle of wondering every. single. month. And with joy! Never mind if I look daft! ;) So if it bugs you, please feel free to not read me till I'm, oh, I don't know... a bit further on down the road and a bit more likely to actually get pregnant, or something. Seriously, if it bugs you that I say the same things every month, please avoid the annoyance by avoiding reading for a while! Or if you choose to read anyway, please don't comment out of annoyance. Thank you! I personally am having a ball! :)
Also, to just quickly (haha!) respond to Shannon and Jemma's comments after my last entry a month ago:
Shannon said: "my period "style" as Jeannie said, has changed from time to time, too, especially after a few pregnancies. It may seem irregular to you, but it could be the new regular! Hope it is! No cramps, great change!!"
And Jemma: "Basically the symptoms of pregnancy and the symptoms of a period are pretty similar and amazingly even after three pregnancies you still haven't figured out the differances lol!
I have to agree with Shannon that your "period style" can change an awful lot, especially if you're nursing. My periods still haven't settled after having Jove. It just takes Jove to feed a bit more and the hormones can go haywire for me again. Also as someone else said the temps don't take everything into account.
As much as I enjoy chart-watching with you, What about not charting for a while? You know you'll be happy once you're pregnant so knowing in advance won't make any differance. As you were saying yourself, whilst you're watching your chart you feel like you can't think of anything else. Wouldn't it be lovely to be able to concentrate on the three gorgeous boys you do have and save thinking about the fourth until you know he/she is really on his/her way.
....don't forget that you had an 8 day luteal phase before your first period after Matthew was born so it wouldn't be totally unprecidented."
I too am hoping that the mild periods are here to stay! :) The last one I had was only 2-3 days long and only ever so mildly crampy. I also know already that periods can change after having a baby (or babies) - I remember my granny telling me the same thing once. So far, my norm is that for the first cycle (or two?) I get a waaaaay lighter, shorter period than usual with next to no pain. They kick back to normal after that, but normal isn't all that bad really. It isn't a huge change from pre-babies, as I never had awful periods really. Painful, but never heavy.
Things still could change (like Shannon said) after a FEW babies, not necessarily before then, but so far I feel I know my reproductive system pretty well, and it confuses me a little here and there, but it pretty much stays with what I already know and can generally expect/predict.
Um, I know that early pregnancy and pre-menstrual symptoms are very similar, even sometimes impossible to tell apart, and I actually feel that after 3 pregnancies and 3 chemical pregnancies I am acutely aware of tiny changes in my own body, to the point that I can tell them apart much more easily than most might be able to. Obviously it's not that cut-and-dry, they ARE similar symptoms after all! Hence plenty of "aaargh, so confused!!" posts here, hehe! But I'm usually confused because I clear-as-day felt that my body was subtley telling me that I was pregnant, and then something or other happened to confuse that possibility. I am VERY tuned-in to pregnancy symptoms. It does not help me that I have had very few non-pregnant normal cycles since before my first pregnancy 4.5 years ago!! But I KNOW what kinds of twinges are something to go "hmmm" about and what are not.
Since Nathan's birth, my main confusion is how I feel pregnant when I'm coming up to ovulation, for about a week! This is the 3rd ovulation since he was born, and every time, I feel so pregnant. Not the "don't be daft, those are pre-menstrual symptoms!" pregnant. Later than that - morning sickness (just the queaze, but only like I've ever felt when morning-sick), increased sense of smell, appetite, urination sometimes, and general weirdo hormonal-ness that is only reminiscent of pregnancy for me, not periods either before or after having kids. It's really weird! But this cycle I was not nearly so surprised to have those symptoms, and it sort of confirmed for me that it might be my new expected "norm" as far as ovulation time goes, from now. Weird though!
I have never had any irregularities to my cycle with breastfeeding (apart from the later ovulation and short luteal phase, which are predictable from the start every time, and gradually resolve in the same time span each time as well), and I have been breastfeeding now for 3 years and 9 months straight, through 2 extra pregnancies/babies! They can nurse loads, or barely at all, and my cycle doesn't take any notice of it. It just returns at the predicted 5/6 month postpartum window, and starts with a short luteal phase which gradually lengthens. I remember times with Arthur and Matthew when they would have some growth spurt or illness that meant they were nursing around the clock like craaazy and if it coincided with the time I was likely to ovulate or near it, I was always convinced there was no WAY I could possibly ovulate with all that extra breastfeeding! But I always did, right on cue, and the luteal phase just did it's usual thing regardless too. Everybody is different with breastfeeding and fertility. I am relieved that I appear to be quite predictable!
I did try not charting for the first 2 or 3 weeks of this cycle, but to be honest I wanted to know about what was going on as I approached ovulation. I like to know what's going on with my body (in general, not just in this dept!). If I end up thinking I'm pregnant then of course I am chart-obsessed till there's closure one way or the other, that's only natural, hehe! ;) I do just want to make clear that I AM perfectly able to concentrate on my 3 lovely boys, even while chart-obsessed, and it in NO WAY detracts from them when I think joyfully and eagerly about a fourth baby. That's kind of like a post I once saw (not about me) on Fertility Friend once, where somebody was fuming about the fact that someone told them they should enjoy/focus on the children they DO have rather than obsess over the baby they were struggling to conceive. It feels like the same thing, as she put it: "as if those of us who are longing for another baby DON'T enjoy the kids we already have?!?! Of course I enjoy them and focus my time on them!" I feel the same way. I don't see how longing for, trying for, or waiting for a 3rd, 4th, 6th or 10th baby in any way takes away loving attention, or enjoyment of your existing children! It just doesn't make sense to me that anybody COULD find themselves doing that just because they are planning or trying for another baby.
I know that was more of a rant than a "response" there, and I love Jemma and mean nothing unkind towards her by my rant/response (!), but it just happens that the last part there is a touchy nerve for me. Who knows if God has a whoooole different plan to the one in my head (probably, lol!) but things are changing in my heart lately too fast for me to even write about them. I currently STRONGLY DESIRE a bunch more biological children (3 or more please Lord!), and suddenly find myself praying an awful lot about international adoption - what?!?! Neeeevvvvver even on the horizon for me before. Ever. Admire and respect anyone who does. But just... not something I ever saw myself doing somehow. Now though... I KNOW it is in our future. Know it in my knower. Pray about it daily. There was a point a week or so ago when I found myself praying about it without really thinking about it and my heart just felt squeezed and wrenched and so I poured out my heart to God. I found myself praying things that amazed me to even hear myself say them out loud! I was praying that it didn't matter if we had no more biological children, if only we could fill up our home with children who needed me as their mummy and Neil as their daddy, and our little boys as their brothers. Never mind if they are much younger than the boys, or if they are already waiting for us somewhere out there. I know I am changed by God over this, Neil is eager to adopt in the future, and I just KNOW God is preparing us to do so. I also strongly feel that it's international adoption we are called to, not domestic. Possibly special needs, but I have no clear feelings about that specific issue when I pray. God will lead us, and I guess we'll just wait. And hopefully have some more babies while we're waiting! ;)
I just have to figure out the parenting aspect, hehe! But I think I am getting the hang of 3 under 4 pretty well at the moment - I feel so happy and proud of myself! I have HAIRY days and difficulties and the odd moment of despair, but which parent doesn't?! I know know know that God is enabling me to do this - this mama to many thing. I have this physical LONGING to kiss the sweet soft little cheek of a small child or baby that will not come from my own body, but who will be completely mine all the same. It's there every day and it won't go away. Sometimes it aches and other times it makes me feel sooooo excited and eager for the future, for the day when I WILL kiss that sweet cheek and hold my new son or daughter for the first time.
My MIL reckons we should foster if we're interested in other people's children. *sigh* I told her that I can't see myself taking on a child that I couldn't keep! Some can, and what hearts they have! My heart is selfish and greedy, and immediately takes on that child as MINE with an entire "chamber" of my heart full of love especially for them, just like my other children. I could never give them back, I think I would break in two or something. So I told her this. She just sort of said, "Oh, right..." She doesn't get how I feel. And I wonder if lots of people (family?) might always see our adopted child(ren) as not-quite-ours, especially if they have different skin colour or racial features to ours. I can see that, but it won't be true, and I don't know if I'll ever convince them of it.
Anyway, bit of an aside there! I really wanted to write about that at my arthursmummy diary over the last month or two but just haven't had the chance. I am casually looking into adoption, just to see what the deal is (sort of!). MONEY, that thing we have none of (!), is the main hurdle I guess. If we are meant to have a specific child, the mountain of the cost can be easily scaled with God's help and provision, so I have no qualms at all about the money. I know God will provide and help us to finance even multiple adoptions, never mind the many thoooousands of � in our way. But that's for later. Probably? We'll see! I'll wait for God to guide us.
Right now, I am having a slightly weird cycle, but I think I understand it at last, hehe! The latest I've ever ovulated is Cycle Day 30, on one of my post-Matthew cycles, I think. So I had a couple of days with fertile-ish CM and then nada for a few days, then a day of so-so fertile signs (during which parsnips occurred) and then a couple of days with none. THEN finally a day of good signs, but I was confused the next two days when there were no signs again! I always have a good run of fertile signs for at least 4 consecutive days leading up to ovulation, so this surprised me! THANKFULLY I was temping from shortly after the parsnips, just to see when I would ovulate. My CM was really confusing me, but I have had a temp rise (noted by Caroline, hehe! Thanks Caroline for being interested in my intricate workings while I'm quiet at my diary, hehehe!) which has pretty much stayed up.
Another thing that is really predictable for me is "post-ovulatory" and "pre-ovulatory" temperatures. I can temp on any morning at random and know from what the temp is whether I am currently waiting to ovulate still or have already done so. I'm so glad that I am able to chart very clearly with stable temps despite never getting 3 hours solid sleep before temping, and breastfeeding, etc! I thought I'd just give it a whirl after Arthur was born (I had heard that it was pretty impossible to get a stable set of temps that way) and thankfully I seem to be someone who has very stable temps with night-wakings and breastfeeding, so that helps me with charting!
Anyway. For me, if my temp is 36.3 or above, I have ovulated. If it's below 36.3, I haven't. Pretty much. Over 5 years of charting, illness has never affected my basal body temps on my chart even slightly, except when I actually have a proper fever, which I don't think I have had since Arthur was a baby. I do know my body pretty well (slight return to rant mode - sorry! But just sticking up for myself a little bit!). But the post-ovulation temps have to be sustained, obviously, and the above theory does not take into account weird things like implantation dips and the odd fall-back rise (just after ovulation, which can sometime occur). And I guess I might sometimes have a wacky 36.4 temp on one single day in a cycle before ovulation or something, but I don't remember the last time that happened.
So, suddenly my temp was 36.4! It was so weird, because I had no ovulation pain (which I don't get every cycle, but often I do), and I was convinced that I hadn't ovulated yet due to the lack of fertile CM for a few consistent days. So the next day it was 36.4 too. The day after that it dipped right down to 36.1, which made me think the 36.4 days were freak days somehow, because 36.1 is NOT a normal post-ovulation temp for me at any stage. But still no fertile CM at all now, and then this morning my temp was back up to 36.4, so I wonder if I did ovulate after all??
Obsessing over my chart a little tonight, and reading the symptoms (or lack thereof sometimes!) in my chart notes, I actually wonder if I ovulated on CD27, the last day I temped 36.0, NOT the following day where I temped 36.1. Fertility Friend is also so confused by my temps and fertile signs that it hasn't registered any ovulation yet either! If I enter 36.5 for today (playing with the software to see what it predicts) then it immediately gives me a coverline with ovulation at CD28. I know it's still a pre-ovulation temp that day (actually now I think about it, occasionally I have a slow rise after ovulation from pretty much pre-ov temps the day or two after, so it could be normal (ish!) for me still - wasn't last cycle like this even??), but I really think I ovulated the day before it all the same. I had EWCM CD26 and then complete change the next day on CD27, which continued onto CD28 (and ever since, actually). So I wonder if I ovulated CD27 instead of what they might think. It makes a lot more sense for me to ovulate the day after EWCM with a sudden change, than TWO days after. With that in mind, I adjusted my temp on CD28 from 36.1 to 36.16 (tiny!) to see if it made a difference to what FF would consider, and it DID make a big difference. Straight away they gave me a coverline with ovulation at CD27 like I thought. My thermometer only reads to one decimal place, so I don't know whether that morning's temp was 36.13 or 36.18. I know it doesn't round up, so 36.18 would just read as 36.1. I feel so sure that I ovulated on CD27 if, as the temps indicate, I really have ovulated, that I decided to keep the temp as 36.16 and the coverline and ovulation date that resulted.
But, I might not even have ovulated yet, haha! Who knows?! ;) I think I have though. I feel pretty neutral, physically - like I'm not expecting a period, a baby, or an egg to be released, hehe!
The parsnips fell either four days before ovulation (by my prediction) or five days (by FF's original prediction). So yes, yes, tinsy-wincy little sliver of a chance of pregnancy, but let's not forget my last two babies, who were conceived from parsnips four days before ovulation! I will definitely not rule it out. Less fertile CM might mean there's much less chance, who knows. And my luteal phase isn't statistically meant to be long enough yet, but it was much longer than normal for me last cycle, so who knows? Yes, I did have an 8-day luteal phase before my first period after Matthew was born, but I can't confirm it with temps - just by ovulation pain and CM and symptoms. Probably accurate therefore, but I can't be 100% sure. It was a wacky one if it was though! ;) I went to my usual 4-day LP after my first PP period and increased gradually from there like after I had Arthur.
So, one way or another, I am very interested to see how this cycle pans out. I am now 5 days post ovulation, already! It feels weird to "suddenly" be, because till tonight I wasn't officially post ovuation at all, hehe! If my temp plops down tomorrow, then maybe I really DIDN'T ovulate? Or maybe it's just that my period will come tomorrow. After last cycle, I'm reeeally interested to see how long my LP will be this time. I am not totally ruling out chemical pregnancy last cycle, though I know that will make many eyes roll, so I won't say anything more about that for now! ;)
Anyway. I may just have a 5-day LP if my period arrives tomorrow. But who knows when it might arrive. My temps are flat with the exception of yesterday, a big old dip at 4DPO - hmmm, where has that ever happened before?! ;) I will watch and wait. If my period doesn't show for a day or two more and my temp stays up, PLEASE NOTE that I will be obsessing and bouncing about like an excited child. I enjoy this so much, even if I'm officially nutso and living in my own little world, hehe! Come along for the ride if you so desire, but I don't mean to bug people, so if I bug you, check me in a week or two and be relieved of annoyance! ;) I really don't care whether I get my period or not - I am finding it so incredibly freeing to just trust God with how many babies we have and when, right now. It takes away the frustrations and disappointments and questions, for me. So that I can just enjoy and watch the story unfold! Yay!
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