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2003-09-06 - 3.09pm��previous entry��next entry
Grumpy ol' Cycle Day 23
Thanks everyone for your lovely guestbook messages!! :)
Well I am back again. I have pretty much completely given in and started focusing too much on baby things again :( Which I wasn't meant to do. But it's so hard. I was doing great up until a couple of days ago, and that's pretty good considering that took me into the last week of waiting! But yeah, I'm back in the whole thing. It's Cycle Day 23, I have noooo idea when to expect my period - I think it will probably be due Wednesday or Thursday, but it could come as early as Tuesday. I'd be surprised if it came earlier. I had a negative pregnancy test this morning. Which is probably too early to test but who cares. I am getting very don't-careish about getting pregnant lately, and I don't think it's a good thing. I don't know why I'm doing it either. Maybe a protection thing? I am taking whatever medication I need for headaches and stuff without being more careful like I SHOULD be doing if I there's a chance I could be pregnant. I forgot my folic acid two days running yesterday and the day before, and another day earlier in the week. I want soft cheese, so darn it, I'm eating it. I did check with the assistant at the supermarket that it was pasturised though, and it was so that's okay. When I took the pregnancy test it was the first time I just sat and watched it. I didn't have the adrenaline pumping like all the other times, because I guess I am always thinking I am not pregnant these days. Probably because I'm not, but all the same, I am getting kind of negative about the whole thing I think. When the test just had the one horrid line after exactly 3 minutes, I chucked it in the bin and walked off, instead of just waiting another couple of minutes (!!) or keeping it for prosterity (!!!!).
I am crampy, really quite crampy actually. Bad enough like I am getting my period today or something. But I can't be, it's far too early. And my breasts are so so so sore. Again more sore than usual, and Neil says bigger than usual too. I have been in a really weird mood since the evening before last, and I don't like it one bit. I know it's hormones because it's just got that "in the blood" feel. I just feel insecure, and irritable like I want to smack somebody really hard (!!), and low and deflated all at once. Yesterday I was so itchy in my mood that Neil helped me out by giving me a play fight! Wrestling helped sort my aggressive irritable feelings out a lot (!!) but then I was weepy. Pfthth.
I am SURE I never ever used to get hormonal symptoms as bad as this before my periods, but then looking back over the last 2 or 3 months when I've been carefully documenting any symptoms, it looks pretty similar to this cycle. Which is depressing. And all of a sudden I am back to the "I don't get why we aren't conceiving and it doesn't make sense and it's driving me crazy and I don't like it one little bit" thing.
Oh well, it has definitely been an easier ride this cycle with trying to put it out of my mind and not charting, etc, for the first few weeks. But this week is just as bad as the final weeks of the other cycles. I just want my period already. I want it so that I can get on with the next cycle, and because I am so cross and angry that something is not working when I want it to, and because I want to get these hormonal symptoms out of the way, because they are not fun at the moment. I am not too bad at snapping at Neil which is better than most other cycles! But I just feel so grumpy and weird and insecure, like it's under my skin and I can't scratch it off or something, and I can't lie on my front where I get my cosiest sleeps at night because my breasts hurt too much. Mind you, that's good practise for pregnancy I suppose! I'm gonna have to find a different sleeping position that works for me in pregnancy, so I might as well start now.
But I have at least 3 days to wait till I stop being a total grump.
Phooey.
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