Journal
Sign guestbook
Arthur's Mummy's Diary
Matthew's Belly Gallery
Nathan's Belly Gallery
Benjamin's Belly Gallery
My Fertility Friend Chart
2003-08-30 - 8.17pm��previous entry��next entry
Halfway through cycle number 3...
Thanks Meg, April, Jenn and Judy for your lovely guestbook entries! It's so nice to know you are thinking of me :)
Well my plan is going well-ish! This cycle I have not taken my temperature once, and until the last few days I have managed to put TTC out of my head almost completely!! Which I am really pleased about. But it's getting harder now that I know I am probably in the two week wait again. I think today must be Cycle Day 16, and I know there's only one cycle in all my charted ones where I ovulated on CD17, and all the rest were between CD12 and 15. So I guess I have probably ovulated by now. Maybe not, but probably. So that puts me in the 2WW again, and somehow it is SO much harder not to think about things now that we have either conceived or not. I have not visited my TTC boards or Fertility Friend until yesterday, so that's pretty good too. I just really don't want to get all back into stressing and stuff now that I've done so well so far this cycle, because it will only result in huuuge disappointment again if we haven't conceived. It's just hard knowing how to prevent it! I am kind of disappointed in myself that I have started to dwell on it again, because I was hoping to really put it out of my head for two whole cycles and not even know what cycle day it was, but that's so hard.
Neil is away at the moment - he has taken compassionate leave to drive his mum up to Yorkshire (she's been staying with us most of the week), because his dad is in very poor health. He left on Friday, and he doesn't get back till Tuesday, so I know we won't have any further chances of conceiving if I still haven't ovulated. I am trying not to get my hopes up for pregnancy this time, because then it will just be such a fab bonus if I am pregnant, and otherwise I will not have lost anything by being prepared for a negative.
Camp was good, but tiring, and needless to say we did not get a chance to stick to our "cover the fertile window" plan every other day! Or any day for that matter!! The kids were too tiring and we had too much responsibility, etc. When we got home Neil's mum came to stay, and I thought I should prepare myself for maybe not TTC this cycle, because there just didn't seem to be a window for us to have time alone together! I knew I would probably be most fertile during the week, and actually we managed a few times after all (Neil's mum snores terribly, so at least that gave us the all clear!!!), so we definitely have a chance if I ovulated when I expected to. If I still haven't ovulated then I guess we have a slim chance, so we'll just have to wait and see. I did not obsess about all the tips for conception, etc. Which is good too :) I just think that if God is going to bless us with a baby, then we'll be pregnant, whether or not the chances were slim. But if not, then all the right timing and conception aids, etc, won't make a difference. I guess. So we wait and see. Right now I feel fine about waiting and seeing, but sometimes I really dislike how that leaves me so out of control. I just need to remember that God is in control.
Okay so yesterday I folded and visited Fertility Friend and my other TTC boards. I convinced myself that I needed to do this just to check on my friends to see if anyone had gotten pregnant yet. Mmmm! I ended up just adding a few little details to my FF chart, although there's no temperatures so it can't tell me when I ovulated, but anyway, I just thought I'd add the few things I remember from the past week.
Oh and the other day when I woke up, I had such an urge to take my temperature, just because if it read higher than 36.5� I would know I had ovulated, without even seeing the previous 2 weeks' temperatures, because I know from my previous charts that my temp is always below 36.5� before I ovulate, and above it afterwards. I just wanted to know if I had ovulated, and then I thought my mind would be set at rest. I got as far as putting the thermometer in my mouth (I had hidden it at the back of my drawer in my bedside table), and then it sat in there for about 20 seconds while I wrestled with my mind about how I shouldn't be caving in like that, so I took it out and switched it off before it peeped and shoved it back in the drawer. I was pleased with my willpower but not so pleased that I gave in that easily. I never expected the strength of the pull of all this trying to conceive stuff! Even when you try so hard to resist it, it is still really difficult. Or maybe I'm just weak or something.
So I don't know if I ovulated. I would like to know though. But there was nothing I could have done about it anyway, it wouldn't have changed anything to know. Neil was about to go away so we couldn't exactly have acted on it if I hadn't ovulated yet. When I thought about that, it was enough to make me stop the thermometer because I didn't want the stress of all that. What's done is done, and that's that. Now I need to occupy myself healthily until my period arrives, or doesn't arrive. I am sort of expecting that it will, maybe because it's best for me if I think that way, or maybe because so far all the trying in the world has resulted in periods.
But in other news, when my mother-in-law was here, we went shopping a bit, and she bought a really cute pair of baby dungarees with a sweet little cow embroidered on the pocket. She wanted to buy it for the baby, for whenever he/she does appear on the scene. I just spoke to Neil on the phone this evening and he says they went shopping today and she bought a big teddy bear for her first grandchild!! I think she is getting pretty excited or something! I hope it will be soon.... Also Neil said he bought something for the baby too, but he won't tell me what - it's a surprise that I will get to see when he gets home. He said he couldn't resist it. This is the first time where he's bought something for the baby and I wasn't even there, so I know it's not just me getting excited that we're going to have a baby!! Well, whenever it happens of course. But we ARE going to have a baby. I just know we are. I just don't know when.
Just before camp, Neil and I went to Asda to pick up some food for the journey and a couple of last minute bits and pieces for craft activities. Anyway, the one we went to was huge, and it had a clothing section. We saw some really really cute baby clothes, and I never saw Neil so into baby stuff before!! I mean, he has been keen, but he was just so excited at Asda. It was so lovely, I love seeing him so excited about having a baby, or just anything to do with it really. He was picking up one item of clothing after another, picking favourites and saying we HAD to get this one, etc. In the end we chose a soft pale blue outfit, because it was definitely the cutest there. We also got a pack of adorable little socks with teddies on them that matched the outfit. I know we shouldn't because we have so much already and we will probably get baby clothes as gifts later on, but it was so gorgeous, and it was fun to buy it just the two of us together. I can't wait till we go shopping for baby things with the baby right there in my tummy. That will be even more exciting!
I haven't made any nappies lately, but that's mostly because we've been so busy. At the moment I feel like I really want to sew some nappies, but I am not sure if that's a good idea at the moment, incase it gets me all baby-focused again. More than I already am, that is! I asked Neil on the phone, and he says he doesn't think it will do any harm, because it's just planning for the future. Hmmm. I'm not sure. I am kind of bored with Neil away and that makes it so much easier to be distracted by baby stuff, and by wondering if we did manage to conceive this time. I think my period will probably be due somewhere around September 10th, give or take a day or so. That's the only down side to not charting - I can't say exactly when my period's due! I like to know so that it doesn't surprise me, but if I don't know when I ovulated I can't be sure. Mind you, I have pretty regular periods anyway, so I guess this will most likely be a 27 or 28 day cycle. That would make me due around the 10th or 11th, which seems like an eternity away at the moment! But I'm sure it'll pass like the other cycles did. I am going to try not to be too disappointed if I get my period, but it's hard if that does happen.
While I was at camp I had some really good times being very close to God, and things really felt in perspective for me at last. Trying to conceive seemed really insignificant and small in my mind, in comparison with what else God wanted to do in my life at the time. Leading the kids at camp was infinitely more important and life-changing to me at the time, which I am so grateful for, because I really feel I needed to get that perspective. But it's proving a bit difficult to hang onto now that camp is over and I'm home again. It was all so simple, and I knew that God would bless us with a baby when the time was right, even if that was ages away, and I felt totally at peace about that. I even got to thinking that it would be a good thing if we didn't conceive till next year because then I could go to camp again next summer before the baby was born hopefully. I had such a great time at camp. I really felt like it was something God was calling me to do, to lead and teach kids of this age group, which is exciting since I never ever would have thought of it if God hadn't prodded me into action a year or so ago.
But now the familiar feelings from last cycle are sort of closing in again, and it's harder to stay focused on God. It's always easier with other Christians and such a huge focus on God. They know we are trying to conceive which helps me a lot, because one of the other leaders was never able to have children, though they tried for years and years. She had so many wise things to say to me about it, and I felt so settled about the whole thing after we talked. She said not to be anxious about it, and to trust God for the timing. Normally that would seem like an easily said phrase that was impossible to follow, but at the time it made perfect sense and I could follow it fine. Maybe I need to pray with some of my Christian friends who know about it? It helped at camp so I think it will help now. I am glad I have them to pray with me because Neil and I are both so involved in our own situation that it's hard for us to receive the kind of prayer support we need most of the time. So I am glad of outside help! Christian friends who know that we are trying to conceive help me to stay in perspective and remind me of God's faithfulness, and some of them even have experience of the situation we're in so they can support us really well. I always feel better after talking or praying with one of them.
The only thing that has shown me I haven't totally relaxed and let God take over, is that I know if I am letting it all go to him I need to get in contact with my pregnant friends - one of them in particular - and just be there for them and be happy for them. If I had truly surrendered it all to God and was fine with the whole thing, this should happen naturally and I should not have a problem with it. But it hasn't, and I do. It's been on my mind a lot, that I should be getting in touch, etc. But I just so so so don't want to. I just can't bear hearing their pregnant stuff because it still makes me want to push them away and close my ears and not think about them anymore. And even if they are all sensitive about that and don't talk about pregnant stuff, I still feel like I can't deal with hearing any news because the pregnant stuff will still be hanging in the air unspoken anyway. So obviously I am not doing so marvellously like I had originally thought. So I haven't got in touch and I feel selfish still, especially because if I get a positive pregnancy test I am likely to go running back to them all smiles, and say sorry and want to catch up on their pregnancy like nothing happened - all because I am pregnant now so I don't need to be all jealous of them anymore. Yuck. But that's how I feel and even when I am doing loads better in other ways, I still seem to have a problem with this, and I don't know what to do about it. I have thought about just getting in touch anyway and to heck with my feelings, because it's the right thing to do, but I still can't bring myself to. What a naff friend. But I hope I will sort it out soon.
And that is all my news I think. I will probably update again soon, because even if I try to shove it out of my head, we will still be in the two week wait, and I am not dumb enough to pretend that will be a breeze, even trying not to think about it. So updating here might help! If I find it difficult I will probably go back to posting on the TTC boards because that is such a huge help emotionally while I wait, and I don't want to deny myself that help just for the sake of trying not to focus on things. Anyway, I will be back soon :)
Recent entries.....
Babies 7 and 8! :) - 2016-01-10
Babies 6 and 7! - 2013-02-17
Baby #5 !! - 2010-04-03
Nearly 3 months postpartum! - 2009-10-05
6 weeks old already! - 2009-08-25