Journal
Sign guestbook
Arthur's Mummy's Diary
Matthew's Belly Gallery
Nathan's Belly Gallery
Benjamin's Belly Gallery
My Fertility Friend Chart
2007-04-03 - 10.21pm��previous entry��next entry
Found something scary...
I'm back to excited again about the prospect of being pregnant! Meg phoned me today and left a message, and I phoned her back later in the day. She was SO excited and positive, and excited again (!) that it seemed to lift my anxiety away and I remembered my own excitement :) So that's good! Thank you Jemma for offering to be a friendly ear if I want to phone someone, too! I have some lovely friends supporting me through this diary! :)
But something scary happened this evening. I checked my cervix again as I do every day to put on my chart (it's still being pregnant) and found a pretty big lump on it. Now, I know all about Nabothian cysts as I've had lots of them over the past few years, especially since having children (which is very common) and they're normal. But this lump feels nothing like those. It's MUCH bigger, and it's hard. And scary. And it wasn't there yesterday. It's big enough to make my cervix feel a rather lopsided shape on one side. It's about the size of a pea, which is huuuuge to me! My Nabothian cycts are much smaller than that.
I got really scared because INSTANTLY I was diagnosing myself with cervical cancer and seeing my reproductive organs lopped off, never to have a baby again, only to leave my husband and poor, darling, heartbroken children without a wife/mummy a year or two down the line. Yeurgh. And then the thought of this maybe-baby having to be snuffed out before its little time begins, after all the miracle of its very existance!
My imagination isn't my greatest friend sometimes. But I am kind of scared. I have googled, of course. Some of what I found scared me more, and some reassured me loads. I guess I should go to my doctor tomorrow and get it checked. I'm so nervous. I will need to tell her that I think I'm pregnant. Will she do a pregnancy test? Will my DARN tests turn up before I go?! Will either of those tests be positive? I just wish my cervix would go back to normal again, just as it was yesterday.
As I'm calming down a bit, I'm actually thinking that if the lump wasn't there yesterday, it isn't that likely to be a SUDDEN cancer overnight or anything. Maybe I've irritated my cervix, checking it? But I'm always clean and careful, and have never done anything like that before, even in pregnancy, so I'd be surprised. And can a simple irritated cervix really produce such a regular-shaped lump like that?
Ugh. Please pray for me, if you pray. I don't want anything scary that would hugely affect my future - not for me, or Neil, but most ESPECIALLY for my precious little boys. And I don't want anything to jeopardise this pregnancy, if it is to become a REAL one!
Urrrgh.
Well, that aside, I am doing okay. I have some different types of cramps tonight, out towards my hips more. I wonder if they might be ligament-type pains?? If they are then I am definitely well into a pregnancy, properly. So why was my test negative?! I SO want those tests to turn up in the morning. I will hold my pee till the postman has been (hope he is here early!), in case he does bring them and then I can pee on one with FMU.
I did manage the lasagne fine! And it was the yummiest one I've made yet, so that's pleasing! We had rice pudding for dessert and that didn't appeal to me much but I ate it anyway. It went down okay, though I felt a bit yucky while I ate it and for a while after.
Liquorice though - that is YUMMY! I can eat that fine, even though it's sweet. My cereal still has the odd taste of liquorice - maybe it's something in that? But Neil tasted it in something else. Hmmm. We don't eat fennel much at all so haven't had any in the house for ages. My mum craved liquorice when she was pregnant with me.
I feel a bit tired suddenly. I think I'll stop for now. I hope everything will be okay.... I will update as normal tomorrow with the temp and stuff, as today. And if I see the doctor I'll update about that too. Maybe 2 updates tomorrow, then, if there are two lots of big news?! Who knows what tomorrow will bring?!
Recent entries.....
Babies 7 and 8! :) - 2016-01-10
Babies 6 and 7! - 2013-02-17
Baby #5 !! - 2010-04-03
Nearly 3 months postpartum! - 2009-10-05
6 weeks old already! - 2009-08-25