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2003-01-24 - 10.15pm��previous entry��next entry
Dream about the "July period" (!), and Neil's feelings about pregnancy
Back already?! Well yes. As is probably already obvious, I am finding that I DO have things to write about pregnancy and the whole "pre" part, even though I'm not pregnant yet. Sometimes anyway.
I'm not gonna talk any more about the stuff I wrote in the last entry. Let's leave that with that entry till I feel differently or something changes. Hmmm. Well anyway I have other stuff to say too!
Last night I dreamt that it was July and I got my period reeeeally early, like two weeks earlier than I was expecting it. My July period is the one we are waiting for before we start trying to conceive. And I saw it and told Neil, and he was like, "Oh maybe it's not a real one" (that's exactly the kind of thing he'd say!). But I knew it was. And then I looked at him and said, "That was the last one." And we both got really excited. Scared-excited, but it was a good feeling all the same. When I woke up I lay there thinking how it might feel when we finally get to the TTC stage. It feels like time is absolutely dragging by, but I know we're right to wait till the summer. I can't fathom how it's gonna feel to be trying for a baby, and wondering if there are loads of cells in my womb already deciding which body parts they're going to be, or else if I am going to get my period any time now. I try to imagine how that must feel but I can't quite get there. I will just have to wait. I don't know how it must feel to get your period when you hoped to be pregnant. I hope that does not happen. So far I am expecting to conceive on the first attempt, although Babycentre says that you have a 25% chance of conception on the first try, even when you're ovulating, and an overall chance of about 75-80% over the course of a year. A YEAR?!! That seems rather low to me! I always figured if you had an egg in the right place, it was a pretty sure thing. I am still gonna hope I'll be in that 25% - my mum says none of the women in our family have ever had to try again. I hope that'll be me too.
Neil and I talked tonight about it again. Pregnancy and having a baby, I mean. I don't know how he feels sometimes, because I just talk about stuff and then pause, and then there's no particular response, so I carry on about how I feel about the stuff I just said. He is a good listener, he always has been. I am a "good" talker! By that I mean that I talk too much. I think I do anyway. So I worry that Neil is not getting the chance to talk about how he feels about this huge life-change we are embarking on together. And I worry that if I talk about how I am looking forward to it and he is feeling doubtful or scared, that he won't feel he can say that when I'm so happy and excited. Tonight I asked him directly how he felt and explained all this.
He said he often tries to get his mind in gear that we're having a baby, but he just can't get his head round it. He said it's like it hasn't sunk in yet. I asked him how he felt about things the way they are right NOW, like planning to try in July. He said he felt good about it and had no worries. Phew! Sometimes I don't know how he feels. A friend who knows we are planning to try, asked me if Neil is excited. I didn't know what to tell her. I said yes he is, although he's more busy being worried about money. But I don't know if he's "excited". Neil just can't picture us really having a baby, so he has no mindset to feel emotional about. Am I just kidding myself and missing the fact that he has a problem with it? I don't know. I don't think I am. He is always honest with me when I ask him directly how he feels about serious issues.
He says he would give me more feedback about how he feels if he had any more specific feelings, but although he's happy to TTC in the summer and he feels the timing is good, he doesn't know how he feels about "having a baby" yet, because it's not happening yet. For me, it IS happening, already. For me this stage I'm at is part of the whole process. I am excited about all the stuff there is to do and think about right NOW. I've wanted it for so long.
My fleeces from America arrived in the post this morning, to my great excitement! And the lady who was gonna try and get me some Burley Knit Terry was successful!!!! She has ordered me FIVE YARDS of the stuff, that's enough to make soakers for..... umm..... 24 newborn nappies, 30 smalls and a good start on the mediums!!!!! Two to three dozen cloth nappies of each size is all I think I will need (according to various sources!). I am not going to make any mediums before I am pregnant, probably not till after I've had the baby either. Smalls will last up to a weight of 16lbs, which is 7.2kg and depending on the build our baby has it could last up to four months or up to 18 months. Me and Neil have small builds and were both little babies with low birth weight, so I am not necessarily expecting a chunky baby. We could be using those smalls a year or more. Or not. We'll see. Anyway, the sizes go right up to X-large, but I don't think we'll need more than a medium. Those last up to 25lbs (11.3kg) and according to my lil chart in my nursing dictionary, the average weight child reaches 11.3kg at 18 months. The lighter than average child (especially girls) won't get that heavy before they're potty trained (like at 2 and a half or something). So I will make mediums when we move into smalls, and then I'll only make large sizes if the mediums start to seem tight. Yeah I have details like this all planned out! Hehe! So anyway the BKT from that lovely lady will serve me for a loooong time! Yay! Plus today I went out and bought five metres (and an extra half which was thrown in free!) of double napped white flannel :) Ooh what lovely stuff!! It's so soft, and perfect for making nappies out of. I ran out yesterday on that pink Honeyboy I made. So now I can make nappies again to my heart's content! Well, nearly, I need that BKT.....
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