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2003-06-14 - 1.25pm��previous entry��next entry
Decisions, decisions....
Uhmmm..... Not sure what to do now! Well the appointments are done, and if you read my regular diary then you'll have already heard about those. It seems okay to TTC this month. And (long explanation/waffle in my regular diary which I won't repeat here) we seem to have made a decision about it. I need treatment for my allergies, starting asap. They are safe for pregnancy (and breastfeeding). But pregnancy hormones and symptoms could potentially complicate how they figure my progress on the treatment. Or not. Everything's "it might be a bad idea" or "it might be totally fine", which has made it hard to decide what to do. I need treatment now, so that's what I'll do, but it lasts 3 months, and I'll probably need longer if we can afford it or get funding. So do I wait on the baby front? Or try for pregnancy anyway? I thought we'd decided but I keep changing my mind all the same. When we prayed about it, we felt like it would be fine to have the treatment and TTC at the same time, because God would be in control of the timing anyway, and we'd rather be trying than not. But urgh, I can't seem to settle with that decision somehow. I wonder if I'm not being sensible. I mean, pregnancy could improve my symptoms anyway, according to the consultant. Or on the other hand it could worsen them. See what I mean?! So should I give my body a break and wait a few more months while I get treatment started? Or just go for everything? And if I wait is that just me NOT relying on God? Urrrrgh.
So we are currently undecided about whether to TTC this month. Well, Neil is still thinking we're going to try. This morning (for the millionth time) I started the "should we be trying for a baby?" conversation, and he's kind of starting to roll his eyes now (!!) because I'll say I'm happy with the decision, and then a while later change my mind and make another one, then a while later change it back, and so on. I think I am starting to drive him slightly crazy about it. But he is being very nice :) He says it's a big thing so it's probably really normal for me to be changing my mind all the time over it. Or something. Maybe.
Maybe all this doubting is a wake-up call that I should just WAIT and be done with it. But I hate the idea of putting it off. But it should be right. And I wonder if we'll even conceive if we're going against what God is planning for us anyway (which is WHAT, by the way???). So then I get to thinking, should we even bother trying to conceive if God might not be planning to let us conceive just yet. But we can't know that, so..... And as you can see I am getting to the silly stage of second guessing and irrational thinking! I just feel like making a baby, starting a new life, should be - or at least FEEL - perfect. And I'm not sure if it does right now. But then tomorrow it will, and then I'll change my mind again. So I haven't bought the pregnancy tests yet. I think we're going to do the one thing I said I really didn't want to do - wait and see. I am due my period in 3 or 4 days, and we have therapy next week and then next Saturday I have my first half-day of allergy testing at the hospital. So I think it's best to leave it until those things are done, to see how we feel by then. After the first bit of testing I will be fertile I guess five or six days later, and then we should see how we feel about it at the time. There's no need to buy pregnancy tests till we've actually tried to conceive I suppose, so I'll wait till then to buy them. But this time I'm gonna buy one of those vials with 20 pee sticks in them, because I have a feeling we'll be TTC for months before we fall pregnant. I don't know, it's just a feeling. Things are so different in my mind to last month, or even earlier this month.
Anyway, that's the update. I still want to have a baby, I just want it to be right more than ever. And I want to fix my body properly, because apart from anything else it would be nice to feel 100% all the time, and it would be better for my body to not be worn a bit low with allergies while I'm pregnant or raising a little child. But I really really don't want to wait a year, which is how long my treatment might be if I could ever afford the whole thing.
But in other news, I am still preparing away as usual. I got my Tots Bots nappy pack in the post - one fleece Redrap and two unbleached nappies. They are soooo soft and gorgeous. I have already made a pattern from the Redrap (haha!) and will be making more fleece wraps in different colours soon. Maybe I'll start today actually. Neil's at cricket all day so I have some sewing time. It's hot so maybe I'll do some gardening. I feel quite surprisingly at peace with the idea of waiting a bit if that's what needs to happen - I can't believe I feel this way because I have been so focused and so obsessed with the idea of conceiving this month, that I couldn't bear thinking we'd have to wait before now. Hmmm. Anyway, it's all good, so long as God's in control, which I'm sure he is.
So we still might TTC this month. But I can't say for sure right now. Actually if we conceived in July or August, according to my obsessive charting (!!), those would be the best months for pregnancy for me. I would not be huge in any hot weather, nor morning sick during hot weather - well, maybe a little if we conceive in July. And I would not be morning sick over Christmas or family birthdays including my own and Neil's, in January and February. If we conceived in July we'd have a baby due in mid April, which I like a lot. And August would obviously be a May baby, which is also nice. Part of me is kind of scared that if we put off TTC for 2 or 3 months like the consultant suggested we could (or not!), we would be trying at the end of the summer and we might not conceive first try or the first few tries, and then I'd be looking more at feeling pukey over Christmas and all the family birthdays, and being huge in the hottest weather. So hmmm. But aren't those things kind of trivial in the grand scheme of things? Too many things to consider, or too many things to work out which are worth considering!
Anyway, things will be as they will be, and God knows it all anyway. He knows exactly what will happen and when, whether I run around like a headless chicken about it or not. So that's good!
Thanks so much Leah, April, Ash and Kelli for your guestbook entries! I love getting messages :) I will probably write more soon, like for example when I change my mind in about an hour! ;)
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