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2003-07-20 - 6.19pm��previous entry��next entry
Day 29 of the TTC cycle...
Well here we are, finally on day 29 of a 30 day cycle. My period is due tomorrow, and unfortunately I feel pretty sure it's coming :(
I'm kind of embarrassed to say I've been really down about it. Really down. I don't know why really. I feel embarrassed because it's only my first cycle where we've tried to conceive, and that must make me kind of a spoilt brat if I'm throwing a tantrum about it, but I have just had times where I feel so sad and watching nature programmes on TV is NOT a wise move! There are always babies in nature and protective mothers. I also have been getting all angry that my period is coming and we did everything right so why shouldn't we be pregnant. Ah I'm so ashamed of myself :( This is soooo rebelling against God. I hate that I'm doing that, but urgh, I just have a lot of feelings today. I am grumpy to distraction with my pregnant friends who have done nothing wrong but be blessed with the joy of being pregnant (!!), and yuck, I have the most horrible thoughts towards them today that I am struggling so hard to control. I don't like me when I do this, and not liking me doesn't help my mood any.
I still perfectly understand that God knows best and we are very early on in trying for a baby, and that there is no better timing than God's. But honestly, right now it all means nothing, it's like it goes in one ear and out the other. I can't relate it to how I'm feeling. Am I a drama-queen? I don't mean to be, I just feel this way.
On fertility boards and babycentre, and places like that, periods are referred to as "AF" (Aunt Flow) or OB, which stands for old bitch or old bag. When someone gets their period, everyone is saying how they are sorry the old bitch got them again, and stuff like that. I use the AF one, because everyone seems to use that all the time, but I really really don't like the other one, or how everyone speaks so foully of periods on these boards. I can understand that getting your period when you're hoping to be pregnant is the worst part, and so you dread it's arrival. But HELLO people?!! It's not your period that's to blame!! Getting your period doesn't make you unpregnant! You were already not pregnant for a couple of weeks. Doesn't anyone see that if they didn't get their period when they weren't pregnant, they would never get the chance to fall pregnant again? Surely the phrase should be, "Oh I'm so bummed that I'm not pregnant.... But thank God for my period turning up so I can try again!" These things bug me. Periods are a true true blessing. I am thoroughly grateful for mine, even though visually it's not something I want to see when I am trying for a baby. They mean I can have a baby someday. Some people have to have hysterectomies or they have an illness that means their periods don't come and they can't have children. I am so glad I have periods, and I'm gonna try to see this next one in this way, because it means we can try again for a baby later this month. If I am not pregnant, I am actually anxiously hoping it turns up, otherwise we can't try.
I have a bad headache today and I had it yesterday evening as well. It's a classic for me, advanced warning of impending period. It could have been tiredness or heat or something, I don't know, but it feels a bit too familiar for that. I still have sore breasts, but that's normal too. My temps rose a bit today which is good, but then mine never fall till after I've got my period anyway. I took another pregnancy test this morning which was extremely pointless, and was negative of course.
I had to lead the youth group at church this morning and I couldn't do it because my heart wasn't in it and I could not make my mind concentrate and prepare the stuff for it. We have some pretty difficult children in the group and usually that's just a positive challenge, but today I felt like I couldn't face them at all. In the end I prepared some Bible-based games that they would enjoy and be less behaviourly difficult in (!!), and when I got to church all the kids were pooling together to watch a movie since there were some other leaders away, so I did not have to do it. There was a brand new baby at church - born last weekend. I remember his brother and sister being born, and his sister is going on eight now. He is beautiful. I watched him sleeping on his daddy's lap and listened as other mothers chatted with his mum and talked about the birth and stuff. I did not feel sad or anything, just weird and disconnected. This whole experience/time of life is proving to be just weird, nothing like I expected - well, most probably because I expected to get pregnant without difficulty. Not that this is "difficulty", but I find myself not understanding why we didn't conceive when we are both fine and we did everything right at the right times. This makes me a first in my family. Everyone else got pregnant first try. Not that it's definite that I am getting my period, but I just don't have any optimism left so I think it's coming.
Sorry to write such a negative entry.
Neil and I made a list of things that could cheer me up for when I get my period:
� Play computer games, maybe even get a new one?
� Make nappies (if it feels okay)
� Watch feel-good movies
� Listen to story tapes that I kept from my childhood
� Read a nice book or children's story
� Buy new bubble bath and luxuriate!
� Do some baking
� Buy a new plant and plant it in the garden
� Go swimming (when I feel less grim after a few days!)
� Listen to worship CDs or watch Stoneleigh Bible Week video
� Plan or do some decorating - after all, if I'm not pregnant I can use paints, etc.
� Go to the cinema with Neil one evening this week and watch a comedy
� um, this one's a bit personal so I'm not writing it here! ;)
� Get my back tickled by Neil - he is good at this! I have had a nice back rub today already :)
� Do something nice/special for Neil
� Do some thorough housework
� Focus on being the best servant/friend to God and the best wife to Neil that I can be on that day
� Buy/eat some foods I feel like eating - melon, apples, soft bread, jam doughnuts, boiled egg and soldiers (yay!), cookie dough ice-cream, fresh salad and cottage cheese, and last but not least, splash out on some non-cheap ice lollies!!! We always buy cheap ice-lollies so I am excited to get some yummy special ones! :)
Okay that's it. But it's stuff I can immediately look at on a list when I get my period and feel like poo. Then maybe it won't be so bad. I can pamper myself till Neil gets home from work and then we can just be close and that will be lovely. And then I will be on a new cycle again. I am nervous already that we won't be successful next cycle either, and more is riding on next cycle for me than this one. Much more. Originally (back in January!) we planned to start TTC at the end of July, after the July period. In March we changed it to June, sort of as a practise run so that we would have a head start if we didn't conceive right away. In my mind though, I believed we'd just conceive whenever we tried, so it didn't feel like a practise run to me. But it has been. All along I keep having a big vibe for July/August cycle, but I have been scared to acknowledge it because it would mean considering that we would not get pregnant when we tried in June. I hope that vibe means we really WILL conceive next cycle. It would be the most ideal of the whole year, more ideal than this one just finishing. I would not be pregnant (well, symptomatic) over camp in August. I would not be at the queasy or huge stage in any summer season. I would not be queasy or huge over Christmas or any family birthdays. We would have an April baby, which is something we've just had as a peachy idea in our minds for a long long time. The weather would be turning warm just after the baby was born. I would be 23 weeks pregnant when we do all the visiting to family over Christmas and New Year, and that seems nice to me. I'm not sure if it's early enough for anyone else to feel the baby kicking though, which is a shame. So yeah, next cycle would be just so so so wonderful. But because of that I am extra nervous to miss it.
Anyway, I have nothing else to say for now so I think that's it. I'll write when I get my period and start counting from day one again :( But I am absolutely sure that once I get past the disappointment of having my period, it will all be in the past and I will start to look forward eagerly and happily again, and I will be much more optimistic for this next cycle. Neil is too. I hope this doesn't set us up for an even bigger disappointment though. I just have to trust in God. This has been a very good learning curve anyway, this cycle. And I'm grateful for that.
Oh, p.s, I forgot to add the 11 and 12 days past ovulation stuff from A Child is Born. Since I've been writing all the developmental stuff so far, I think I will continue till my period is here. I wouldn't want to miss any part of anything just incase! Okay, 11 days after ovulation the cells are now dividing twice a day, and on day 12 (today) the blastocyst is made up of a couple of thousand cells (wow!). It measures about a millimetre across. How amazing is that. I can't wait till this is really happening, but even as it is happening it's so early that I won't know if it's there or not. Like this time. But I'm pretty sure it's not this time. Still, I will keep you all posted! :)
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