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2003-07-21 - 4.22pm��previous entry��next entry
Clean slate
Thanks SO much to Sharon, Caz and Robbi for your hugs and guestbook messages. I really needed to hear some support so I am really really grateful for your messages! *hugs*
Well my period is here. But I'm fine actually. I think I did the whole disappointment thing yesterday and today I feel okay. I am really crampy and sore but this is the first time I have not taken anything for it because I am just enjoying being aware of my womb right now. That sounds so weird! But I like it, even the pain, because I don't know, I am just feeling really grateful that it's there and that I am able to have children.
My period got here at around 10 this morning, which is a blessing since it usually turns up mid-afternoon, which means I wait all day and then it really kicks in overnight so I don't get much sleep. I'm glad it did not keep me waiting today, since I knew it was coming and just wanted it to start. So I am on Day 1 of a new cycle, with 9 days till my fertile window, probably. It depends when I ovulate, and this cycle I am getting an ovulation predictor kit (OPK) - I ordered it this morning online. Some of the girls at Babycentre recommended it, since I couldn't figure when I was ovulating last cycle (until I started using Fertility Friend and they told me when I had!). That will make things less stressy I think, and make it easier to time the sex right. I know we did time it right last time, and it's not THAT difficult to time it right if you just don't have very long gaps (!!), but all the same, I want to make sure everything gives us the best chance of conception, because that way I feel like I can relax and just go with the flow a bit more. That one thing I think we did "wrong" last time by the way, we will definitely fix that for this time. I hope that's not why we didn't conceive. Well, anyway, since we didn't conceive I am fine with the idea that it's because God did not plan it for last cycle. I hope he is thinking of blessing us with a baby soon!
I phoned my parents to tell them I got my period. I already spoke to Mummy yesterday when I felt like I would get it, and she wanted me to call her when I got it because I was kind of down yesterday and she wanted to be sure I was okay. But today I am feeling good and fine about it, and she was happy to hear that. She says they are not shaking their heads and saying, "Another day without grandchildren already!" (they're so silly!), they just want us to be happy and they love us just the same. I know they do, but it's lovely of them to say it :)
But today is good. It's a fresh start. I love my husband - he has once again shown me through this that he is the sweetest husband in the world, and I could never have imagined him being so supportive. I started the day with a few lovely supportive messages when I came online (thank you!) and a good chat on my boards where people were supportive again. I took Neil to work and then I went to the supermarket. I think this cycle I am even more aware than I ever was before of my system, physically. By the time I was at the supermarket my cramps had changed slightly, and before now I think I wouldn't have noticed the difference, but it's like I have a super-sense there now. That actually felt really good, as I was walking around pushing a trolley and doing something so normal, nobody could tell but I was also acutely aware of what was going on with my reproductive organs. It made me want to smile a lot :) I like being that aware of things, and like I've been saying lately, I am so thrilled to be aware of my womb and of being able to have children. So it's all good.
Anyway, I bought treats to eat, and fresh fruit and salad and things that will be nice to snack on. And I treated myself to some expensive bubble bath!!!! Mmmm!!! I went to the butcher's and bought things for us to eat this week, and everyone was nice and smiley in the shops and in the street, and the weather is warm and pretty, and there is just noooo reason for me to be mopey or down, even with a period I hadn't wanted! I came home and ordered the OPK, and then I indulged in a bit of wistful thinking - I went and entered today's date in the pregnancy calculator at Babycentre, as the first day of my last period, and it gave me a due date of April 25th if we conceive this cycle. I like that a lot :) If anyone is reading this thinking, "Oh no, here we go again!" because maybe I should have learnt from the first cycle and should maybe try and be less eager/obsessive this time, I should warn you now that it ain't ever gonna happen!! ;) I am sure I will obsess every cycle till we conceive. It's too exciting not to!
I am a bit surprised I was not upset when I got my period, but I really wasn't. I was just relieved all that waiting and wondering was over for sure, and I could relax again and start over. It feels a little bit sucky to be on Day 1 again, like back to square one and like I didn't get anywhere and there's so much ahead all over again. But never mind. It will go fast I'm sure. I'm glad I made that list yesterday, it has helped a lot, though I've mostly done housework instead of the little luxuries on the list. But that's because I mostly feel okay, so that's good. The one thing I still notice is that I am not too hot on thinking about other people who are pregnant today, but I guess that's normal and it hopefully won't last. Being happy despite things today has reminded me that there is more to my life than having a baby. There must be if I feel so blessed and healthy and alive, even when I haven't managed to get something I wanted so badly. I confess though, I have kind of asked God not to put me to the test with fertility issues!!! I am slightly chicken! Well I just don't want a long deal, I really don't. I know from seeing friends how stressful and painful and hard that can be. Before I got sick with M.E. for 2 years, the week before infact, I was spending a LOT of time crying before God begging him to shake my life up and stretch me, and take me to a new level, to test my faith and give me a time of growth. Boy did I ever get that through being housebound and crushed by illness for two years!!! But that sort of makes me anxious now, I don't want another crushing experience - at least not for a while, lol!! I want to move on with God all the time, but I also desperately want to have a baby. Now. I don't want to wait. Please God don't make me wait.
Why is all this here?! It's the type of thing I would write in my normal diary. Oops. I have really neglected my normal diary since I ovulated!!! So I'd better get back to updating there. I guess there won't be too much to write for a while, since I have my period now for a week. But thank you so so much to those of you who have left me messages and generally been so lovely and supportive. I have really needed it, and feel so much better for your words and prayers. Thank you!! xxxx
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