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2003-07-18 - 8.29pm��previous entry��next entry
Day 27 of the TTC cycle...
Wow I am writing daily at the moment!! I just feel like it though. My imood thingy isn't working :( Sorry it makes the page look a bit rubbish.
Today is Cycle Day 27 of 30, so I have three more days till my period is due. I am 10 days past ovulation today. I am a little crampy today but not so bad as yesterday.
I do have some positive signs of pregnancy, but I can't pin my hopes on any of them because they could be pre-period signs as well. Grrr!! I am oddly weepy. Not in the normal way really, but just over things that aren't emotionally stimulating. Like laughing when something isn't funny, only with weepiness instead. I don't actually get weepy, I just feel all chokey. Today I went to Judith's to prepare some stuff for camp, and she passed me a comicstrip-style Bible story book to check about something. Anyway, just the fact that it was a comic strip made me choke up. What is that?!!! Seriously, just the fact that there were boxes with words underneath them was what triggered me to feel chokey. Not the content or anything. Soooo weird. I opened the book and saw the boxes and my throat squeezed up! Now there really is NOTHING emotionally stimulating about boxes and text, is there?!! Heh. Anyway so that's a bit odd and unusual for me. But I guess I could be just a bit tired or something, or else having an odd PMS session or something? I don't know.
Another one is that I am sooooo tired. Not tired like oh I've knackered myself shopping in town, or tired like oh the weather is so dreary and humid, or anything like that. Just sleeeepy all the time. Did I mention this yesterday or the day before? I can't remember. On.... let's see.... Wednesday evening, so the day before yesterday, I felt oddly sleepy in the evening, like I'd taken a drowsy pill or something. Speaking on the phone to a friend made me feel like dozing off, her voice was like a lullaby, that's as best as I can describe it. Then Neil has had to take himself to work the last 2 mornings (except this morning) because I have been unrousable - and that is just a completely new thing for me. One morning he said I was so dopey and fast asleep that he left me there, and the other morning, I was aware that it was time to get up and I knew I was too sleepy to do anything about it, but I couldn't form the words to tell Neil. So he went to work by himself that morning too! This morning I HAD to take him to work because I needed the car to visit Judith today. I was kind of worried about driving home because I was just so so sleepy! At Judith's I yawned and yawned and yawned and my eyes felt puffier and puffier and puffier, and I got sleepier and sleepier and sleepier. After I got Neil from work I crashed out on the bed, and he said this is not like me at all. This is getting us both excited! But hmmm, it still could just be nothing, or pre-period or something. I don't know.
Today I just have a feeling like I could be pregnant. But again I have absolutely zero experience of what being pregnant feels like, and it could just be me wanting it so much or misinterpreting pre-period symptoms, so I can't rely on that either.
My breasts are no bigger, which I was kind of expecting if I was pregnant, because I often find that as normal before a period. But they are a bit uncomfy and I am just now having some shooting pains. Hmmm. So many things I could pin hopes on, and yet I still might be totally not pregnant! I will just have to wait.
I phoned my parents this evening. My dad said, "Are you pregnant yet?!" I said I didn't know, because I don't. How exciting is this?!! I will be disappointed if I get my period but I think it won't be altogether bad if we have to try again next cycle. I am thinking it can't be a bad thing if I do have to wait and not just get what I want when I want it. I mean, so many people try and try for so long, and I know if I had to wait I could at least have the experience of getting a period when I'd hoped for pregnancy. Things that hurt are so equipping, I've learnt that in lots of ways in the last few years. I would see that as a strength to build on if I got my period and felt crushed about it. I also know I have a great group of women at Fertility Friend and Babycentre to chat with through my next cycle as we try again together. I would not have to worry about pregnancy symptoms at camp - if we got pregnant next cycle I would test positive during camp (or else get my period the day we arrive there - yikes!). Anyway, it's all good. God has it all in hand.
I know I am blessed because see, I have Neil, who loves me and I love him. We are married and in love, and we have a secure home and money coming in and huge hearts ready to love and nurture a child. I have God who will bless and help me through every step of this journey, whether it's a direct route or a lengthy detour, and I have family who will support me too. I am healthy and my body works. Neil is the same. As far as we know anyway. I look at the charts of some of the women at Fertility Friend who are struggling with infertility, and then I look at my own chart for this cycle, and I feel soooo blessed, because I see my body is working in that department. I see how long these women have tried and the treatment they have endured, and I feel so amazingly blessed that I am okay. My cycle has low temps till I ovulate, then a sharp spike the day after ovulation. It has persistant high temps from ovulation till my period - a classic "biphasic" cycle, with regular ovulation. My CM is consistent with fertility each cycle. I just sit on my butt and moan and worry about wanting to have a baby, but I'm not doing that anymore. I mean look at what I have got! My body works. I have abundant blessings. I am completely confident that we will have a baby soon, and that is quite something - I have nothing to moan about at all in the whole world!! Whether it's now or next time or a few months later, I am so so blessed and grateful.
Anyway, it feels so nice to be positive! :) I hope it stays this easy when I am feeling grim further down the line! Today I felt that if I am this tired and groggy for all of my early pregnancy, I will just be so happy to be carrying a baby. Every yucksome symptom should remind me of the miracle of the gift Neil and I have been given.
I am keeping busy this weekend, otherwise I have NO idea how I'll wait till Monday to do a pregnancy test!! Of course my period is due Monday so I should really wait till Tuesday. But honestly, I think I would be more gutted if I saw my period arrive than if I saw a negative pregnancy test result, so I'd rather jump straight out of bed on Monday morning and test before my period gets a chance (!!). Then at least I'd be prepared if it was negative. At worst I would get my period having been prepared by the test result. At best I'd get a positive result! And the other option is that my period would not turn up and I'd test again the next morning.
I bought more size 0 kissaluvs today. There were 3 on the buy and sell forum at UKparents - oh dear!! So I bought them. They are unbleached fleecey ones. Neil says no more :( So I'll try to be a good girl for a while! ;) We are getting a pretty good collection of kissies anyway, and will only need 3-5 more at the very most I think. Yay! Nappies are so much fun!! :) I am too sleepy so I'm off for a lie down before dinner I think. Tomorrow I get to read the 11 day embryo development update in "A Child is Born" because I'll be on Day 11 past ovulation. I don't let myself read the updates till the right day. It keeps me on my toes!
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