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2003-07-16 - 1.43pm��previous entry��next entry
Day 25 of the TTC cycle...
Thanks Judy and Lizzy for your guestbook entries! :)
It's cycle day 25, so five more days to go till my period's due. Today is day 8 after ovulation - implantation time, according to "A Child is Born". Amazing photos. At eight days, the blastocyst is made up of some 200 cells, and it secretes a mucus that weaken the immune system in the uterus, so that the "foreign" aspects of it (ie, the bits of DNA that are Neil's and not mine!) are not rejected and it can safely implant. Soooo amazing.
I am feeling kind of doubtful today, I don't know why. I think maybe it is toooo important to me. I mean, what could be more important?!! Well, actually God is. But still it's a pretty major thing. But I am starting to feel all odd and nervy that I am not pregnant. I am desperate for some sign that I am, but I know it's tough and I can't get a sign till it's time to test! I mean, there ARE possible signs that could happen, but I know from the Actively Trying board I use that many get those signs and still get a period afterwards. Spotting is one sign I'm hoping for. I NEVER get spotting, ever. I bleed when I get my period and never inbetween or before or anything like that. So if I had any spotting for implantation I would be reeeally encouraged!
Last night I dreamt that it was day 8 after ovulation and I was spotting. It was such a vivid dream. But it was so funny, it was like pink highlighter pen! I was aware that it was unrealistic but I couldn't quite figure out that it was because I was dreaming. Anyway, I was soooo excited to be spotting. I phoned my mum in France and she said she had spent the night at the ferry terminal just incase, and she was on her way to see me right away!!! How silly is this dream?! I'm sort of worried incase it shows I am over-obsessing. But I'm not TRYING to over-obsess. It just means a lot to me, is all. In the dream both my parents came over to England, and I was telling my dad that this was a pretty sure sign that I was pregnant. Neil was so excited, everyone was so excited, none more than me. *sigh* I was so disappointed when I woke up and it was just a dream. Last night when Neil got home from work he said, "Any spotting or anything?" Maybe we are just toooo enthusiastic? I see that we probably are, but it's like it's too late to do anything about it now. We are both too far gone, hehe! I know that means it will come crashing down on us if and when I get my period but I can't do anything about it. I try and be distracted with other things but it's still foremost in my thoughts and it's just so important to me. I guess I'll learn over the months if it takes a while.
Anyway, today I feel very unpregnant. I know that's how I'm MEANT to be feeling whether I'm pregnant or not, but still, it's kind of disheartening. I can't help but check for spotting whenever I go to the toilet, even though I KNOW I might not even get spotting, or even if I did then I might still get my period. Pffthth. This week is taking longer than I thought, and with so few days left, I am getting sort of pessimistic and expecting my period.
On the other hand, nerves about morning sickness are coming back. I have been feeling really nauseous this week (due to bad IBS I think), and generally feeling under the weather, and it's made me kind of nervy about morning sickness. I have felt so yucky and yet it could be nothing compared to morning sickness, and THAT lasts for weeks and weeks. Makes me nervous. I have a feeling I will want to hole up indoors for the duration if it happens to me! It's just that I already have an issue with being outdoors if I feel sick - everything seems to make me feel more sick if I'm outdoors - smells, motion, even loud sounds, and also stress of socialising. Yep I agree that socialising is meant to be a DE-stressor!! But I have never found it that way. So hmmm, I just hope I don't get sick. Not least of my early pregnancy worries is the camp that Neil and I are helping to lead in August. If I am pregnant I will be 8/9 weeks by camp, a nice peak time for things like morning sickness. Neil and I are taking 10 children on the train on our own, from central London to Norfolk, and it is NOT going to be an easy task, especially in hot weather. It's a four hour train journey with various changes and lots of luggage, and I am quite honestly getting very nervous about it. Only for the pregnancy bit though. It will be a breeze if I'm not pregnant. Well, not a breeze as such (!!), but you know. I feel fine about the actual trip/responsibility. Just not morning sickness/headaches/dizziness/exhaustion!! Maybe I can add that to my pros list for not being pregnant this cycle. I am trying to add to that list so that I have stuff to cheer me up if I get my period.
Ugggghh. I know I need to chill out. People keep telling me. Please stop telling me now! I hear you, I just honestly feel I can't do anything about it right now, not at this stage. I will try to be more chilled next cycle, but I can't promise! ;)
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