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2003-07-13 - 3.46pm��previous entry��next entry
Day 22 of the TTC cycle...
Thanks to April and Judy for your guestbook entries! Thanks also to Debs and Nicola for your lovely emails! (xxx) Judy it was so nice of you to sign with your thoughts about me (!!), and YAY for being converted to cloth-diapering!!!! Congratulations on your new pregnancy too! :) Everyone add Judy to your favourites list. She has the most beautiful 15-month-old daughter in the world. Yes.
Well here I am on Day 22 of my cycle. Time is actually passing quite nicely, though sometimes it feels like months rather than days to be waiting for a period (or NOT a period, I hope!). I think it is going easier for me than I've heard others say because I feel like the waiting stage is broken down into managable parts. Reading "A Child is Born" while I wait is definitely helping me. From Day 17 (when I ovulated) I was wondering about whether an egg had been fertilised. Okay so it might not have, and therefore none of the rest of the stuff I'm going to mention will be happening, but oh well. I can't help but act like it IS happening. And I think if I do get my period I will want to talk through next cycle's wait-time in the same way, just because, well, it COULD be happening and I don't want to miss marvelling at anything, just incase. So Day 17 I was thinking, okay maybe I have a fertilised egg. And then my book says the cells divide every 12-15 hours, so that kept me kind of busy in thought for a couple of days. Then I got restless thinking, "What next?" So on Day 20, if I have conceived, my rapidly dividing bundle of cells was called a Morula, and was heading for the narrowest part of my fallopian tube. I prayed that it would not settle there, just incase it's really true and I really am (could it be true?!) pregnant. Day 21, yesterday, would have been 4 days past ovulation, and the Morula had changed it's name to Blastocyte, and it would have finally reached my womb. Today (IF it is even there), my little Blastocyte is wafting around my womb looking for the perfect spot for a picnic, and it's cells are already seperating and grouping into different areas of the mass - one area for the rudimentary embryo, and another for the placenta-to-be. Don't you think this is just amazing? Six days ago I hadn't even ovulated!
Blasty and I (if he/she is there) don't share any hormones or nutrients yet, therefore I can't possibly be exhibiting any pregnancy symptoms until at LEAST day 25 (Wednesday) when implantation may occur (hopefully). Actually implantation could occur any time between 7 and 11 days past ovulation. But I am peeing such a lot these last 3 days or so. I am not drinking any more than usual, if anything LESS, and it's hot. But I especially notice that I am waking usually twice a night to pee, compared with, well, not at all before then. Plus I am superbly irritable. Embarrassingly so. I have been kind of letting myself down lately! :S But since that can't possibly be pregnancy related it will just have to remain as some weird and random behaviour that I hope I don't continue in! I just wanted to note it because Neil was wondering if I could have ovulated earlier than I thought or something. I doubt it, but still there you go.
So you see the waiting so far has been okay. And now I have just three days to wait till possible implantation, so that's a little milestone for me to focus on, instead of just ovulating and setting my sights on two weeks ahead for a period/pregnancy test. I think if I don't get pregnant after several months I am probably going to find it stressy to think of the possibility of a baby developing inside me like this, but for now it is very nice. I just hope it's true. It feels toooo surreal to be true, but never mind! I will persevere and it's totally out of my hands anyway. I thought I'd find that a horrible feeling, being so out of control and having to be patient, but actually it's so so so so nice to be at the stage of actively trying to conceive, I can't tell you - it seems to be making this stage feel like a lovely dream, just to BE here. I like that there's always some actual possibility, rather than just a looong wait for months just to start trying, like before. It feels so great to be trying. Before, I was waiting because it wasn't time yet. Now, I'm waiting incase I have a baby growing inside my body. There's a big difference!
At the same time though, I am nervous about getting too focused on the possibility of pregnancy when I might not be pregnant at all. Sometimes I find myself thinking, "Oh it's GOT to be true because I want it this much!" but then I wake myself up and remember that things don't work like that, and it will be crushing if I am not pregnant. I'm trying to keep balanced, but quite honestly it isn't working that well! So I am just going to go with the flow, even if it's an excited hopeful flow, and just accept that I will be very disappointed if I get my period. What can you do? If at first you don't succeed, try try again - and that's okay. Because by the time I get my period I will be back into week one of another possible pregnancy and with only 10 days to wait till we start trying to make a baby again, so it's all good when it's broken down into bits like this. I think. I am finding the thought managable anyway. So that's good! :) And I just keep thinking that one of these days, however unreal it seems, it WILL be true, so I am just going to keep on thinking like it is true all the time, till proven otherwise. I think too much, don't I?! :)
Today we were sitting in church right after the sermon had finished, with nothing in particular going on, and Neil leaned over with a look on his face like a little boy who has just remembered he is going to a party after church, and whispered, "You might be pregnant!" Looking at his shiny eyes and eager face, I had a mix of feelings. His eagerness increased my feeling of nervousness that our hope could be squished if I get my period. But also, I felt soooo excited, because this is actually SO much fun!!! The possibility is a thrill of suspense, and it's our secret. I suddenly saw this waiting patch differently. It's secret. It's a secret between me and Neil, but not just that. It's a secret that is kept even from us. It's the time when only God can know if there's a new life inside me. Not even the mother who carries the child can know if it's there. It's a small window of time when amazing things are happening, and nobody can know, absolutely nobody, because it's like God's time with that new life, and God's time alone. I like that. Makes me remember how much I depend on him and how I am not meant to know everything at every moment. I'm happy with that. God knows best, and I feel in good hands leaving it to him, even if we aren't pregnant this time round. We will be when God says the timing is right. It's all so much fun!!! Remind me of that if I'm still not pregnant by the winter!!! :) I will try to keep God-focused about it all. It helps so much.
Well anyway, I think that is all. Oh, except I bought some tiny terry nappies today. Five of them for �3 - a very good deal! :) I want a variety of different nappy systems for my newborn, to see what works best. Also I think I have got 2 Disana wool wraps free for postage!! I am waiting for the lady to email me back. I have been umming and ahhing for a while about trying wool wraps, and researching a lot of stuff about them. They sound fab, and are the most breathable wraps for a baby - in this hot weather wool wraps would be the most ideal, even over fleece. They allow the heat out faaaar better than a PUL or plastic wrap (plastic, yuck!). People think they will be too hot in the summer, but they let the skin breathe. You wouldn't want to wear a well-fastened plastic raincoat in the heat of summer now, would you?! But I have wondered whether wool wraps can really be hygienic. I'm sure they are, but it's just they don't need washing for 2 weeks and then you hand wash them gently. But then they have lanolin on them and it has natural anti-bacterial properties. Hmmm. I think I will try them, especially in summer months. So anyway, this lady had bought 2 Disana wool wraps and done the shrink and felting thing, and they shrunk to newborn size!!! So the poor thing is "selling" them free for postage, and I've (hopefully) snapped them up because newborn size will be good for me. I only have PUL wraps (soft fabric with a breathable coating to one side similar to plastic - though much nicer than plastic!) for a newborn, and I would like some fleece or wool ones as an alternative, so yay! I have so many nappies I could be making. But I haven't made any for a while. Perhaps on a rainy day if we ever have one again! :)
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