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2003-07-10 - 6.10pm��previous entry��next entry
Day 19 of the TTC cycle
Thanks Ash for your guestbook entry! :)
I am now on Day 19 of my first cycle trying to conceive. I have been sort of flipping out a bit about ovulating and chances of conceiving and stuff like that. Yeah, I know people have told me not to but you know, that's easier said than done, even though it's our first time trying. My cycle has been different so I didn't know what was going on. But I posted a message on a TTC board and people there were soooo helpful. They recommended fertilityfriend.com, which others have recommended in the last few months. I didn't use it before because I figured I was pretty aware of my fertility and anyway I was just going to try the "have sex = make baby" approach (!!) for a while - seemed like the most sensible option! But this week I have signed up with Fertility Friend because I was stressing about when I was ovulating, and people said that Fertility Friend would show me when I was.
So I have charts there now. It's easy and amazingly insightful. And yes, it has totally cleared up the ovulation issue, so I am really pleased! I entered all my charting stuff in from January till now, and based on that and my current chart, I am pretty sure I ovulated on Tuesday - the chart should confirm that by tomorrow. My temps have been raised since yesterday morning and my CM is all in line with that too. (CM=cervical mucus, but I am gonna start using abbreviations for that because, I don't know, I am not mad keen on spelling it out for strangers to read!!) So I'm sure I ovulated Tuesday. And my luteal phase (thanks to Fertility Friend! Had nooo idea what that was before now!) is 13 days every cycle, so that means I KNOW I will be due my period on July 21st. Yay for Fertility Friend! :) So I have 11 days to wait.
But today I read something online that we did that can give problems conceiving, or even be damaging - that sounds so vague but it's so personal that I don't want to write it, I just wanted to write vaguely about it so that I have it on record for myself. So it might make the likelihood of conception pretty small for us this month :( I really hope not though, because I am getting more and more desperate to have conceived. I have posted on an anonymous American fertility board and had some sort of helpful advice - namely, phone your doctor or pharmacist, so I phoned a pharmacist and had a totally embarrassing conversation (about stuff that I'm NEVER normally bashful about) where the pharmacist simply confirmed for me that the medical profession in the UK is completely clueless about loads of stuff, which is seriously frustrating. I need a fertility expert or something to ask, but there aren't any, and anyway I'm probably just majorly over-reacting because HELLO, we are only just starting to TTC for the first time!!!! *sigh* I don't know why it's getting to me so much, but it seems to be all the same.
As far as timing the sex and normal signs of ovulation go, we should be highly likely to have conceived this cycle. But I don't know..... I shouldn't read fertility stats. They are so negative. But I suppose realistic as well. Ho hum.
Anyway, Neil and I have been looking at "A Child is Born" a lot. If I did conceive, the fertilised egg should have divided two or three times already by now, and should be on it's way down my fallopian tube. I found myself praying earlier that God would keep it moving so it doesn't get stuck and form an ectopic pregnancy, and then I stopped because suddenly I just felt so silly to be praying that kind of thing when I might not even be pregnant. The possibility versus the unknown is really weird. I wish I just knew one way or the other. But I really want to be pregnant.
On the other hand, I have been trying to think of positives for NOT being pregnant this cycle. I can still have wine with my dinner for another month. I can have fun trying again next month! :) I have a couple of close friends who are in early pregnancy, and selfish though this probably sounds, I do not want to be "trailling" them. If I am only a matter of weeks behind them, I feel like I will already have just been excited about the stage they're at, and just as they move out of it and onto the next stage, I arrive where they were at. Then I know it's exciting because it's MY experience, but somehow it's deflated because it's not "new" - I just got excited about the baby's development at that stage a few weeks ago. I don't want to do that. I would prefer for it all to feel new - as it surely should be on my first pregnancy? - every second of the experience. I love my friends who are pregnant, and I'm deeply interested in them and their pregnancy experiences, but I want my own pregnancy to be totally seperate from anyone else's experience. Funnily enough, this isn't the case with online people that I meet for the first time when they're pregnant, because then you're finding friends who are going through it as you do, which is different. If I had gotten pregnant at the same time as my friend(s), it would have been different too, but being so close behind is annoying me for some reason. Maybe I won't be after all - maybe it won't happen this cycle.
Urgh, I'm being kind of down, sorry. I just hate not knowing and I can't put it out of my head, and the only thing I can do is guesswork, which can do a complete 180 at any given moment. And this is only my first month of trying!!! I feel so immature and whiney. Sorry. I will be better next entry :) I just want to be pregnant.
I'm sure there was other stuff but I can't think of it now. But I'll update again soon. If I DID conceive, the embryo/blastocyte should implant around Wednesday, and after that maybe I'll start to notice changes. Or not. Most likely not I suppose, but you know I'll be pouncing on the slightest symptom! You know I'll try not to but I know myself, that's all!! Oh well, somehow the days are going quite fast at the moment, and it's only 11 days till I get my period or else don't, so that's not really too long is it.
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