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2003-08-01 - 7.15pm��previous entry��next entry
Day 12 of my second cycle TTC
Hello, I'm back! Thanks for the lovely comments about the nappy I made!! :) They made me smile. I am making more at the moment, and my snaps (poppers for UK people!) should arrive from the States anytime soon, so I'll be posting more photos when I get those snaps hammered on the nappies. Yay for nappies! And yay Ash for considering cloth nappies!!! I will email you soon. I am so behind on internet stuff lately.
Anyway, I don't have long to write my update because my lovely husband is cooking our dinner right now. But it's been so long and I want to update. I found another Trying to Conceive message board and the support and friendship there is so great, so I am happier. At the moment I feel way more laid back about getting pregnant, but maybe that's because we haven't hit the TTC bit of the cycle yet? It's easier to feel fine about things till you know there's a possibility you could be making/carrying a baby. In a funny way I am glad we have not had success, because I feel like I am learning from it. Just something about life. People who get pregnant without a hitch miss that part, all the support and encouragement and friendships from others who are in the same boat, and the anticipation that leaves you kind of breathless. Even the disappointment is bitter but it still mellows and that feels like a learning curve. And surely a positive result is more of a thrill to people who've tried but failed before? Or maybe I'm just saying all this because I'm jealous of people who conceive by accident?! Actually it's true, I am struggling with this a lot lately, being jealous that is. Bad jealous. I don't want to talk about it more, because I am ashamed of it. I am trying to deal with that before God so I will not go into it for now. But it's been kind of a problem for me lately, even though we have only been trying two months. Less of an issue with pregnancy journals online though. I am so excited for two such ladies who have just had their 20 week ultrasounds and found out they are expecting boys!! :) Yay! I can't wait to see "boy parts" on my ultrasounds, if I have babies with boy parts, that is!
Anyway other news. Good news! You know I told you guys I bought an Ovulation Predictor Kit (OPK) to use this cycle? Some people on the TTC board say I shouldn't use it so early on in TTC, because it will make me stress out too much about TTC. But honestly, last month I was soooo stressy because I didn't know what was going on or when I was ovulating, and because I was so stressed about it, people recommended that I use an OPK next time, so that's why I'm doing it. I started testing on Cycle Day 10, on Wednesday. OPKs test for leutenising hormone (LH) which you release in a surge before you ovulate. The LH surge triggers an egg to be released 24-36 hours later. Today is Cycle Day 12 and I got a positive on my OPK this evening!! :) Yay! I know I ovulate, and I knew I was due to ovulate soon, but all the same, every time I pee on a stick I feel like it's gonna always be negative for some reason. I guess I am disappointed from last month's negative or something. But anyway, today I peed on my OPK stick and got 2 lines, which is the first time I ever saw 2 lines on any stick before, and even though it was only for ovulation and not pregnancy, it still made me leap about for joy because it was a positive test of SOME sort at last!! :) So yay, I am working this month too, and I should ovulate tomorrow or the next day at the latest, so it will be a shorter cycle than last month. 28 days I should think, maybe 27. That's good because if I do not get pregnant, I will hopefully start my period BEFORE the kids' camp in August, and not the day we take 10 kids up there on the train or during camp! I am so relieved about this! But I hope hope hope I'll be pregnant. I am not sure. I am kind of feeling low and doubtful about getting pregnant lately, like I don't really believe it's gonna happen. My new friends at the TTC board say this is normal and it doesn't mean it won't happen. So that's good.
So I'm really glad my positive OPK is timed so well with it being the weekend! And also glad we don't have anything much planned for the weekend either. We will be needing time together! :) Poor Neil had a tepid bath this evening, hehe. And we have both been taking the prenatal vitamins, and extra zinc. I am going to try really hard to stay relaxed about the whole thing this time. I don't know if it's gonna work but I'll try. I am already thinking about next cycle, and how August is going to be a good month for other things anyway. We are doing a lot of kids' work with church this month, and my mother-in-law is visiting at the end of the month. I am going for a picnic with Cameron (my little boy who isn't really mine, long story, see my main diary's archives or something!) in August too, but his mum is pregnant so maybe that will bother me, I don't know. These last 2 or 3 weeks I am noticing that seeing a pregnant woman in the street while I'm driving along or looking out of a window for example, is no longer a joyful buzz. I wouldn't say it hurts or anything but I want to look away instead of gaze and feel warm and fuzzy. Yuck. I never wanted it to get like that. This will sound a really silly insignificant thing, but you know my furry journal, my hand-written preconception journal that I've been keeping daily since December? Well I've written in it allll these months and it's a big thick ringbound book, but now there's only enough pages for 17 more days :( I wanted this book to be a keepsake of an exciting time in my life, one that made me feel joyful when I looked at it, like it always has so far. But if I have to close the cover on it when I am still not pregnant I think it will be a bit of a bummer. Anyway, there was no need to write that, I just wanted to say though.
I am mostly in a funny mood about pregnancy related issues. Mostly excited and happy and looking forward to it and hoping and hoping as normal. But sometimes I get in a really bad mood about it, feel jealous like crazy of pregnant people or anyone who just "falls" pregnant, feel absolutely convinced that we'll still be trying this time next year, and just don't know what to do with my life if this doesn't happen. But I am mostly okay. Making nappies makes me happy, and so does surfing eBay for maternity clothes and stuff! I have my 2 coloured kissaluvs and the lavender Tots Bot nappy, they are beautiful. And I won a black breastfeeding/maternity nightie with little stripey orange Tiggers bouncing all over it (looks soooo cute!) on eBay for �3.50, so that's on it's way in the post. And I got two size 0 Tots Bots nappies - they only make size 1 and 2, so these were specially made for a newborn, and I couldn't resist them! They were a good price and hardly used, and I can't WAIT to see how cute they look!!! So things are going well. Neil and I are happy planning our family still, and mostly happy with waiting for God's timing. Neil is anyway. I sometimes struggle with that as you know! But it'll all work out great in the end, I'm sure.
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