Journal
Sign guestbook
Arthur's Mummy's Diary
Matthew's Belly Gallery
Nathan's Belly Gallery
Benjamin's Belly Gallery
My Fertility Friend Chart
2004-01-31 - 10:58 a.m.��previous entry��next entry
Well.......
Well girls (presuming there aren't any boys who read this!), it's the morning and I slept (thank you for prayers). Thanks so much Judy for what you said in your guestbook message, because it's relevant now.
I woke in the middle of the night (Neil was up, poor love) and even though it was like 3.45am I just wanted to take my temperature. I felt like maybe it was going to drop so I thought it would be good if I had some sort of idea before the morning, so that there wasn't so much hype and stress when I woke up to temp at 7am.
So I temped, and yes there was a drop. At the time I was busy feeling sick, which is what often happens when I wake in the night, so I didn't give it too much thought. This morning at 7am my temperature was 36.2, which is the biggest plummet I've ever seen!!! Check out my chart! It's right down to the coverline. At least I'm pleased that my body responds pretty well to it's hormone levels.
I got my period around 2 hours later when I finally got out of bed. So that's the end of that. I felt so bad about getting everyone's hopes up - mine, Neil's, my parents', everyone here.... Which is why it was good to read Judy's message saying that I didn't let anyone here down. But I know you were all rooting for me and will be disappointed too, so I'm sorry!
Neil was so sad. He was all quiet and wouldn't say anything. When I finally got something out of him, he just said in a really small voice, "I really thought you were pregnant." I did too, until the middle of the night. It's funny, it's almost like I could tell my progesterone levels had dropped. I'm not saying I can tell when that happens, but there was just something I can't put my finger on. I just knew I needed to temp when I woke in the night. I didn't feel cooler or anything! I just felt like something had subtley changed. Getting my period so early this morning confirmed that my progesterone levels would have been on the floor in the middle of the night, so maybe I did know?
Neil has done all the questioning about WHY my chart was so pregnant when I am not. Why was it necessary for our hopes to be raised - he says it just seems cruel. He has even got onto maybe I WAS pregnant but the bean didn't stick?? I don't know about that, but it seems a bit uncanny that my period arrived right on time.
As for me, I am absolutely bowled over by how completely FINE I feel. Seriously! I don't know how or why, but I strongly suspect God has a large hand in it! He uses my cancer kids (as I call them) to keep me in perspective. I read lots of diaries of children with cancer and I have several that I am very fond of now. I found a couple of new ones this week which broke my heart. There's this 14 year old boy, Chance who has THE most amazing faith in God. He is constantly praying for other little children with cancer, begging God for their healing, praying that if God needs to take someone it would be him and not one of his beloved friends. It bowls me over. I get in a GREAT perspective about life when I read these diaries, so I have been making sure to read them all last thing before bed the last 3 nights. It has helped a lot. After I wrote last night's entry I went to all those diaries again, and went to bed a lot more settled.
I have life and I have the potential to make life again (with God's help). I am whining that God won't let me have a child (when he probably will in just a little while), and there's these mothers out there who just lost their child and are praising God with a faithful heart for the gift of being parents to their children for as long as they were. And others who are watching their children die, and all the while are saying, "I trust you God, whatever you want for my family is just fine."
So you know, it really puts things into perspective for me. And that helps at times like this.
I am so pleased my period came so early after that temp drop. Now I don't have to wait all day for it to arrive. I am crampy but woohoo I can take painkillers again!!! :) I was avoiding those incase I had a little bean to protect.
So here we are on Cycle Day 1 again, and we are on to our 9th cycle. I think it will get hard pretty soon, because next cycle we will reach the point where I would be giving birth if I had conceived the first month we tried. People say that is a hard stage to reach. I can believe it. If we had conceived first time (like we TOTALLY expected, as you might remember!), my due date would have been around March 20th.
This cycle we are using egg white again (Neil is less than thrilled about this prospect - not that he's the one to deal with it!) and I'm starting natural Vitamin E if I can find it in the health food shop. My blood test results aren't meant to be back till Tuesday, but I plan to make a doctor's appointment for Monday and hope that they'll be back then. This is because Monday will be CD3, and Leutenising Hormone (LH) and Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) should be tested on CD3. My doctor tested for them with the others on CD25 (!!), so I wanted to get the results and if they weren't perfect, get CD3 bloods taken to check those two properly. But if I go in when the results are supposed to be back it will be CD4 (which ironically is the same day that I had my appt last cycle), and that's too late.
I don't know if he will do it for me, but I intend to push - even take my book (TCOYF) if I have to, to show him that the time to test LH and FSH is CD3. I do NOT want to wait another cycle just because we missed the right day. I want those tests done and to get onto the next stage, whatever that is. Referral I think, and I have a feeling the waiting list is 6 months. Yeurgh.
All those questions I was going to ask if I got my period - why, if my chart was triphasic, all those pg symptoms, etc, did I still get my period? - I just don't want to think about them today. I think it's best not to think such things. It doesn't change anything, it just focuses you on the negatives and the what ifs, and it makes you self-focused and self-pitying. Which I do PLENTY enough so I think it's good to avoid that train of thought, don't you?!
Today I plan to cosy down on the sofa with a couple of feelgood movies. Haven't decided which yet, but I'm thinking of a million options, like Back to the Future (haven't seen that for yeeeears), The First Wives Club (just love that one) or a Disney one like The Parent Trap (which I LOVE). I am not in the mood for mushy romances, and I do not want to see a movie with a single baby in it thank you very much!
This morning I had a slightly painful package in the post. It was a lovely maternity bra and a Clearblue pregnancy test :( But hey ho, the bra goes in the ever expanding wardrobe (!!) and the test goes in my bedside drawer with the other ones, waiting for the day I get a positive on a cheapie test and can use my nice Clearblue as a confirmation (the one I'll snap a zillion photos of and post around the internet!!).
I'm okay. Just a little crampy. SOOOOOOO relieved I did not have morning sickness!!! We must have had some sort of foody thing or bug I guess. Neil is still unwell with it and I still feel sick but I'm okay. Thanks so much for all your lovely words and prayers this last week - I can't tell you all how touched I am that so many people care, and how much I appreciate your support.
*hugs* to everyone!
xxx
Recent entries.....
Babies 7 and 8! :) - 2016-01-10
Babies 6 and 7! - 2013-02-17
Baby #5 !! - 2010-04-03
Nearly 3 months postpartum! - 2009-10-05
6 weeks old already! - 2009-08-25