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2004-02-03 - 10.23am��previous entry��next entry
News and hormone results and stuff
Wow I have so much to write! But I have been unable to access diaryland for 2 days - TWO DAYS!!! It's been driving me crazy. Thankfully I've had Nicola to vent to in emails, and she could tell me diaryland was still there, it's just that *I* couldn't get in it. I guess I was one of those AOL users having access problems. Last night I just sat and cried, I felt so cut off from friends and a therapeutic outlet, and I really neeeeded my diary! I feel a bit pathetic about that, but there you go! I'm soooooo glad I can get in today!
Well I have an absolute ton to write, like I said.
I am now on CD4 of cycle 9 TTC. I feel soooo different to how I was feeling before I got my period. I am more and more sure that something was "different" last cycle. I feel sure I was pregnant. I am really reluctant to allow myself to think such things, because I see people at FF saying they must have been pregnant, even with no particular signs and getting their period on time and everything, and they even enter it into their profile - "early miscarriage/chemical pregnancy last cycle". And I wonder how many of these women are desperate enough to want to have BEEN pregnant, that they convince themselves they were, when they actually weren't. I don't know if that is what is happening with some of these ladies but the thought does cross my mind. And I don't want to be that way. I don't want to kid myself.
But it was so different. And it just went off like a lightswitch in the night before I got my period. I really knew something had changed, even before getting my period. One lady I asked said that a woman's instinct about her body is not given enough credit. But maybe mine isn't that great yet, since I've never actually been pregnant before so I don't know what it feels like?
The evening before getting my period, when I was getting ready for bed, I found some white bumps on my nipples. I looked them up - they are called Montgomery tubercles (I think!) and appear early in pregnancy. They were flat and pink again after my period.
So yesterday morning I went to the doctor to ask what he thought. I explained about the weird sort-of-line on my pregnancy test and told him a few of my symptoms and that things were different from how I normally am before a period. He said he thinks it is definitely a good possibility that I DID conceive and miscarry very early. I feel sooooo relieved just to hear someone with "cred" say so! Phew!
He said not to count it as a pregnancy though, because it was so early that I would never really have known about it if I hadn't been watching myself so carefully. The fact that my period showed up on time is neither her nor there, I can still have had an embryo implant and then miscarry.
IF this did happen then it's great news! I can conceive! I can get pregnant! You've noooo idea the relief that brings. I have not been having difficulty with the idea that we conceived and "lost" the pregnancy, because it doesn't feel much like a loss. I'm grateful that my period showed up on time and that I didn't get a true in-your-face positive test, otherwise I probably would have been deeper attached to the idea of a pregnancy and a baby starting to grow inside me, and it would have made it hard to lose that idea.
Yesterday I felt very weird though - it's like I am GETTING my period, that's how my moods are. I never had this before, ever, not AFTER a period. Yesterday I was enormously snappy and irritable, which is my normal way BEFORE a period (which was notably absent before my last one). I did something I cannot believe I did - it's so shameful and unlike me. The printer would not work yesterday morning. I needed to print out some hormone levels on a chart to take to my doctor. It would not work and would not work, and my doctor's appointment drew nearer and nearer. I couldn't get through to Neil at work to ask him what to do, because every time I phoned, he had voicemail on. Eventually, I picked the printer up, still whirring away trying to print, held it above my head, and smashed it down onto the floor as hard as I could!!! How ashamed was I the nanosecond after I did it?! I felt quite afraid - it's not me at ALL to do something like that. I just couldn't contain my anger suddenly. So weird. The printer is cracked in 3 places and the top came off, but it's not broken - phew! I then phoned Neil and calmly informed his voicemail that the problem was solved - I smashed the printer up ;) Fortunately he is the most marvellous husband ever and was actually understanding (even though he said I was naughty when he got home!)!! He said his workmates got a kick out of hearing that Neil's wife was so hormonal that she smashed their printer on the ground! I don't think it's funny. I felt really weird, not like me at all.
Anyway, then last night I was really weepy and just felt overwhelmingly lonely. So I don't know what's going on with my emotions really. Or whether it's hormones or not. I am being weird though. Today for a millisecond I caught myself being a bit sad that we might have started our little one and now it's not there. If we conceived then I know it would only have been a bunch of cells but the blueprint was there. The girl/boy, whose nose, what personality, straight/curly blueprint was there and if only the bean had stuck fast we might have found out in October. But that's no way to think about something so non-existant (and which possibly didn't happen at all), so I am not really dwelling on anything. Just for a moment, that's all. If it DID happen, I feel a bit weird brushing it aside like it was just a normal period-cycle and pretending it was no different. Look, if we DID conceive, then it wasn't nothing, because hello?! My body was getting sick and reacting to a chemical that only a baby of MINE can put into my blood stream! So I can't just think of it as nothing. But I'm still trying to, because there's no point in thinking otherwise.
Anyway, other news. At the doctor, I discovered that they had my hormone blood test results back early! Well, it's been a full week so they SHOULD have them! And my arm still has a green bruise from having it taken! Anyway here are my results:
Leutenising Hormone (LH) - 2
Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) - 2
Prolactin - 230
Progesterone - 49
Okay, explanation! LH and FSH should both be exactly the same to rule out poly-cystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), so my result is great for that. LH should be under 7. The doc says my FSH is fine, but in the online chart it says normal range is 3-20. But then next to that it says under 6 is excellent - the score gets worse as the numbers go UP, so I don't know what to make of that. Anyway those seem fine. LH and FSH are responsible for ovulation (together with oestrogen). The surge of LH is what I'm looking for on an OPK test just before I ovulate. It should shoot up to like 20 for a day or two, to trigger an egg to be released. Isn't a woman's body amazing?!
Prolactin he said was fine, and not inhibiting ovulation in any way. Prolactin is the hormone that rises in pregnancy to allow the breasts to produce milk. On the computer screen there was a normal range, and it said up to 450 was normal, so mine was well within normal. But on my chart at home it says normal is UNDER 24!!! So what's up with that?! I am thinking maybe it was being expressed in different units or something?! Or different at CD25, rather than the chart's CD3 readings.
Progesterone is the one I'm most intrigued about. It shows whether I've ovulated or not. Mine is 49. I definitely ovulated! The chart says over 5 shows some sort of ovulatory activity, but docs look for over 10 on a natural cycle, or over 15 on a medicated cycle. The progesterone level for 4 weeks of pregnancy is 20, and at 14 weeks it's 40. So what is up with my 49?!! The chart does say mid-luteal phase progesterone levels cannot predict pregnancy, but hmmm, it's interesting, my result. Anyway, I am thrilled because I am soooo ovulating! :) I knew that anyway. Tsk.
Well what else? My period has been normal. I am charting it slightly differently from now on. FF says to only chart red flow as period/menses. If it's not red flow it should be charted as spotting. In which case I spot much more than I have been charting. So if anyone is an avid follower of my charts (!!), don't go, "Ooooh wow she is getting lighter/shorter periods now, what is going on?!" because I'm not, I'm just charting it differently! I get pretty light periods. I'm glad of that! It was pretty painful this time but no more so than normal, and only for days 1 and 2. I just flopped around and took painkillers, it was fine.
This cycle we are NOT using egg white as previously planned! I have been hearing so much about this stuff called Pre-Seed. It's a sort of EWCM replacement. Sort of. Anyway, they had a chart of different things you can use and what their pH and osmolarity is. Sperm need a specific pH and osmolarity. Egg white was the nearest of the lot, but still slightly outside the parameters for sperm. Hmmm. Still, I am convinced it was better than what I was producing (ie nowt). But pre-seed is made specifically to the requirements of sperm. I keep coming across it on FF, people talking about it and saying where can I get some, because lots of people are getting pregnant after like 2 years of trying, with their first or second try of pre-seed. I want this stuff!! (not that I'm desperate you understand!) ;)
So I ordered some. I just hope it arrives in time for my fertile window. It's coming from the States. Also I bought some Robitussin (which I said I never would) which has an active ingredient to erm, liquify mucus (ohhh this always feels so much more normal to talk about on FF!!!) and thus give you better quality fertile CM. I am also going to try green tea this cycle, because that's supposed to help you produce more CM. I did try grapefruit juice for a couple of cycles, but that just gave me more of what I HAD, which needed improving. So that's the plan. Ooh and I think I will follow Nicola's advice and take baby aspirin incase another bean even THINKS about detaching from my womb! ;)
So the plans are all ready. I have more incredibly cute baby clothes in the post, ready and waiting. Ohhh I have to show you just one of them!! The picture is sideways but who cares, this item is so cute! I got it in the post today and it's tiiiiiny! It's for a baby up to 7.5lbs:
And that is finally all! I will update again soon (so long as I can actually access my diary!). Thanks so much for all the lovely guestbook entries, I am so grateful xxxx
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