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2004-02-10 - 7.39pm��previous entry��next entry
A bit about relaxing, and general updatey stuff....
Wow, time has gone so fast since I last wrote! I am now on CD11 of my 9th cycle since we started trying, and getting ready to ovulate again.
Thanks so much to Cristie for the beautiful email (which I will reply to!), and Helen, Louise and Sam for your guestbook messages. I appreciate all your words and advice.
Buuut, I need to say a few things which I am directing at nobody specific, and which I hope nobody will take the wrong way.
Since we started TTC I have had lots of advice and things, which is so nice, and to be expected really, since I splash my news and anxieties out there for everyone to see! But particularly in the last couple of months, this has started to have a detrimental effect, and I just wanted to write a bit about that so that maybe it won't happen anymore??? I am sooo trying to be nice and not hurt anyone's feelings if this describes some advice you gave me at some point! That's not what I mean to do. It has just become necessary for me to mention this now. I get loooads of online advice these days. Probably because I am ranting and stressing so much! Heh.
Anyway. Please please please for the sake of all things sane and peaceful (!), please do not contact me telling me I need to relax about trying to conceive. In any way, shape or form. Even with the absolute best of intentions and kind helpfulness. I am really sorry to ask this of everyone, because I know that those of you who have already done this have meant it with my best interests at heart, but here's why I'm asking it: It makes me feel absolutely terrible.
Because I cannot, let me stress "cannot", relax about trying to get pregnant. Sam, what a relief it was to read your message! :) Thank you. It isn't my fault that I can't relax about it, but it is a fact of the matter, and I have honestly tried to be more sane about things, but I just can't. When someone tells me (and believe me, plenty have) that I am waaaay too stressy over things and I need to relax in order to conceive, I feel like a double failure. I know that I can't do it, and it's a double whammy thinking that I might be LOWERING my chances of conception by being stressy about it. Which by the way IS NOT TRUE. I was worried about that till I looked up stress in TCOYF, and I was soooo relieved to find out that stress absolutely does NOT affect the likelihood of conception at all. One exception is that it may delay or prevent ovulation, but I ovulate brilliantly, praise God, so I know that possibility is ruled out. I am unfortunately a naturally stressy person who likes to be in control, which I know I need to work on, but it makes it very hard when you combine that kind of person with the persistant absence of the thing they have longed for more than anything else all their life.
So please, I know you mean well, but please don't tell me to relax anymore. This is how I am going to be about things, until I get pregnant. I don't need any more stress, and any hint of "oh you need to change your attitude" or "you're doing something wrong there!" is making more stress for me. I'm trying. This is a really hard thing to go through. But I'm trying. I don't want to have to tone down my anxieties or hype about things as I wait to see if I'm getting my period or not, here in my diary. So please feel free to read and roll your eyes (!!), but I can't do anything different, unless God is gonna totally transform my personality, or help me with my control/longing for a baby issues. Which actually I would appreciate prayer about, if you feel so inclined! :)
So that is that. I hope I did not offend anyone. Louise, I know you just left a message similar to what I've been saying, but please know that I appreciate your messages so much and this is not because I just had enough when I saw your message or anything! I have had lots of messages and emails lately. But I did only take my temp in the night because I was already awake and I knew something was different. It was a de-stressor for me to take my temperature then, otherwise I would have stressed not knowing. I would do it again too. It's always a huge stress temping near a period incase I see that drop, but for me it's soooo worth temping, because not knowing is worse and it makes me more stressed.
Ah I feel kind of mean, but I needed to say all that.
Okay, other news! I made a huge breakthrough on how I'm feeling about friends who are pregnant this week!! Actually it was totally God, he engineered the whole thing :) I wrote about it in detail in my main diary, so I won't repeat it here. I wasn't sure if it should go here or there, but I ended up writing it there, and it's so long-winded that it's just best to say go and read it there, instead of trying to tell it all again here! But it's so good :) I am going back to church on Sunday. I think that will still be hard, but I need to face my pregnant friend and not hide away from her anymore.
I am taking loads of new things this cycle. Since about CD7 I have been drinking green tea. I meant to have 2 or 3 cups a day, but it had a.... erm... detox effect on me!! Hmmm, need I say more?! So I have stayed with one cup a day, and I feel much better if I only drink it on an empty stomach. Some people say they need to have a full stomach but not me. It is soooo good for you, green tea. It's full of powerful antioxidants, much more than in Vitamins A, C and E!! It's an anti-cancer thing too. Amazing. I had no idea till I looked online. But anyway, I am quite liking it. I found it vile at first, but I think I was brewing it for too long and it was getting bitter. Anyway, I brew it for 60 seconds now and it's lovely. So I start my day with a green tea. It's meant to increase production of better quality cervical mucus, and guess what?!! Today I have EWCM!!!! Yay!! Not loads but it's the best I've ever made :) So I'm pleased.
Also I bought Robitussin but for some reason I am squeamish about taking it. I hate taking medicines, they make me feel like I'm not well! Which is silly. And I get squeamish about it tasting yucky. *sigh* Well it's getting kind of late to start taking it now, as I will probably ovulate soon, but maybe I'll take it next cycle. I will probably feel even more desperate by then!
Also I bought baby aspirin, which was soooo hard to find, because there is no such thing in England. This is because nobody gives aspirin to babies or even children under 16 in this country. There's too much risk of Reye's Syndrome. I can't believe they give it to kids in America. But there you go. Anyway, I eventually tracked some down in Boots. It's sold as low-dose aspirin for people who have had strokes or clotting problems. It's only 75mg per tablet, and I took my first one today. I'm going to take one per day until my period, which I hope will not arrive! It should prevent miscarriage if we do conceive again, and there's evidence to suggest it can help with implantation as well.
What else? I am taking glyconutrient powder every night before bed. If I get pregnant I will carry on taking it, as it's been known to hugely improve early pregnancy symptoms and boost nutrition in general, which it does when you're not pregnant anyway. I've been taking that since the day I got my period, so I hope it will have enough time to "kick in" if I do get pregnant and feel nauseous again. I do not want that morning sickness!
Ooooh the Pre-Seed arrived!!! It got here yesterday which is super-fast because I got an email saying it would be 4-7 days and that would have made it likely that I would have ovulated by the time it arrived. But it got here in 2 days!!! Yay!! So I feel better for having that part of things covered. At least this cycle I am not going to worry about sperm surviving to even GET to my egg! I hope this doesn't mean I'm going to be even more hyped/hopeful this cycle about our chances! We will be in France for pretty much the whole of the 2 week wait this time. We are leaving next Thursday (19th) and coming home on the 27th, which is probably when my period will be due. I can't know for sure till I ovulate though. I will try not to stress too much, because I know it wasn't nice to be that stressy while spending precious time with my parents at New Year. So I'll try. But you know me!
I am trying to eat well and exercise a bit more. I have a glass of fruit smoothie every day, which gets me 3 portions of fruit a day!!! Yay! I love my baby so much. I just want my body to be a perfect haven for it to live in and grow strong for 9 months. I love taking my prenatal vitamin. I love that it says "Pronatal" on the box and has a picture of a pregnant lady on it. It gives me a warm glow because every time I take a pill out of the bottle and look at the picture and the word "pronatal" as I wash my pill down with a ton of water, I am thinking of my own precious child and how I am doing it all for him/her. Sometimes I get impatient or lose hope, but the rest of the time is so wonderful. I feel like I am glowing already, sometimes! I feel expectant already in some of the ways I am acting and thinking. Which is so nice.
My cycle buddy from my FF buddy board had some sad news, and my heart is broken for her :( I really thought we would get pregnant together - we are the same age and have so much in common, and have been TTC a similar length of time. We are cycle buddies to the exact day and we supported each other last cycle soooo much. Anyway she just got the results of her husbands sperm analysis, and they are so bad :( I can't imagine how they must be feeling. It's across the board. His count is 7 million, his motility is 4% and morphology is 6%. Her specialist is not hopeful of them ever being able to conceive - certainly not naturally - given that not only does he have a low sperm count but those that are there are mostly not moving or are abnormal :( It's so sad. I am just praying and praying for them so much. They can't afford IVF treatment, which is their only (slim) hope. I am sooooo counting my blessings. Praise you God for giving Neil healthy and plentiful sperm! We are so blessed.
I'm sure I had other things to say but I can't remember them now. I'll write again soon though :)
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