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2004-02-17 - 4.36pm��previous entry��next entry
Long! And I've ovulated!! :)
I'm back at last!!! I kept wanting to update but then being busy and not getting round to it. Thank you all SO much for the nice guestbook messages about my relaxy rant!! I was half expecting offended people to leave messages, but nobody did, only nice encouraging things were said! Thank you!! :) Also thank you Katie for setting me straight about baby aspirin in America!! Tsk. I take things so literally. *sigh*
Ohhkay, where are we now? Well part of the reason I haven't updated in a while is that this cycle we decided to embark upon Operation Rabbits (!!) in a desperate attempt to make a baby once and for all! So yeah, I have not been, erm, available at the times I normally write! I don't think we ever had sex that many times in a row (we've never been the most... active couple in that dept!), so hopefully it will have made the difference. We BD'd (whoops, I said "sex" before! Go away google!!) every night that I had fertile CM. I only had one day of EWCM but oh well. We used Pre-Seed every time, which made me waaaaay less stressy about my CM being not-so-good for sperm, but now I am stressing a little bit that it wasn't enough and that we should have used egg white. The green tea didn't do it's thing too well, but I only had one cup a day so that's probably why. The day I ovulated, I took Robitussin (an expectorant) a few hours before we BD'd. Yuck, oh YUCK, that stuff is disgusting!!! Plus I don't think it really made a difference. I ought to have taken it more if I wanted to see a difference in my CM, but oh well.
On CD15 I had a temperature rise, but my temps have been sooooo weird this cycle. Flat as a pancake for 14 days, either 36.1 or 36.2, and then my rise, which is normally quite a spike, was just 36.3. I was soooo confused, especially when the next day it only dragged it's sorry butt up to 36.4 instead of rocketing up to 36.6 or above like normal! I have to admit, I did get unnecessarily stressed about that, wondering if I had really ovulated or not, because Neil was refusing to BD anymore (poor thing!) so if I was ovulating late I knew we would not have too good a chance this cycle.
To make matters worse, the NEXT day my temp dropped back down to 36.2 (much panicking ensued), which has never happened before. So of course FF did not give me a coverline and it said no ovulation was detected. Aaaaargh! I went half out of my brain wondering what was going on, and whether we should still be BD'ing in case I hadn't ovulated. To be honest we were rather enjoying a break from that! Much as it's nice and fun and all, a break is gooood if you've been BD'ing for England the past week!
Anyway, thankfully today my temp was 36.6, so it looks like yesterday's was a fallback rise or something. I changed the settings on my chart so it would give me a coverline, and it confirmed ovulation on CD14 - woohoo!! I have to say, I did feel like I had ovulated then, because my CM changed and I had a LOT of cramping on CD14. I know I ovulated from my left side, because that's where the discomfort was. It actually felt like a bruise to the touch when it was at it's worst. I almost always ovulate from my left ovary. I can only remember one occasion when I had cramps on the right side around ovulation, but I can't count the number of times I hurt on the left. Every month, pretty much. The other months I don't really get any pain.
Anyway, so phew, I ovulated. Stressy as I seem over my temps, I do actually LOVE temping. I am fascinated with how my body makes these subtle changes that can show me what amazing stuff is going on inside. It's fun, when it's not unbearable!
So I am now on CD18, and I'm 4 days past ovulation. Woohoo! My period is due February 27th, with simply marvellous timing as ever (!!), since we fly home from France that day. Oooh I can't wait to have my period arrive while I'm travelling! Not. The bad thing is that if I DO get my period this cycle, I will see my temperature drop on our last morning with my parents, and I know that no matter how well I try to deal with it, I will still be subdued and sad about it. I am sad about that because I don't want any part of my time with my parents to be spoiled, especially not the last few hours with them. I could just stop temping, but to be honest I find it much harder to get my period without some warning.
BUT! As ever here is my optimistic (naively hopeful??) side - if my temp does not drop that morning, I will be able to test, and if I test positive it will be lovely to share it with my parents in person :) I am going to try not to test this cycle until 14DPO at the earliest, since I have been reading that a positive at that stage makes the odds much more likely that the pregnancy will not end in early miscarriage like the last cycle when I tested faintly positive at 11DPO.
Of course 14 days is as long as I can go before getting my period anyway, and it's possible that I could have a 12 day luteal phase and therefore get my period the day before - too early to even test.
Ohhh I hate the two-week-wait!!!
I am off the green tea then, and currently taking:
75mg aspirin (for the rest of this cycle)
Prenatal vitamin
1/4 teaspoon of Glyconutrient powder every evening
I ran out of smoothie and didn't buy any more, but I am eating pretty healthily at the moment. I am making sure I get lots of salad and vegetables each day. I must get some more smoothie for fruit though. I am bad at eating fruit.
Yesterday I went to the post office, and while I was there I got sooooo tempted by a Cadbury's Boost bar, I was drooling!! Hehe! I stood in line for the post office and had a huge battle in my mind, thinking I should not give in and have the chocolate bar because I need to be cutting things like that out where I can, and eating as healthily as possible for my little bean to have a good nest. But then I thought about how it doesn't matter to have a little treat now and again, and everything is fine in moderation, and I shouldn't stress about one little chocolate bar. So I bought it, and ohhhhhhhhh my goodness was it scrummy!!! Of course I wanted another one right away! Hehe! Later I had to go back to the post office (sending a lot of cheques to eBay people lately! Oh dear!) and this time couldn't resist a pack of Starburst. I haven't eaten sweets in ages it seems, not chocolate bars and packets of sweeties anyway. Sweet THINGS, yes, but not pure sugar. But mmmm, it was nice, even though it gave me a tummy ache. Today I wanted something sweet after lunch and it's a good thing there was nothing in the house and I had no reason to go to the post office! Oh wait, I have a cheque to post. Hmmm. Anyway, I just had the last of some coffee ice-cream that was in the freezer. Yum. I am reassuring myself with the thought that extra calories might be good right now anyway. Weighing a bit more would be good, since my BMI is borderline for underweight. But I know it doesn't affect my fertility because I ovulate fine. I have been trying to get this through the head of a well-meaning friend at church, as she is driving me crazy.
Oh yes! I went back to church!!!! I wrote an epic (seriously) entry in my other diary so rather than repeat the parts relevant to TTC and my struggles with my pregnant friend, you can read the entry here if you are interested to hear how I got on! I hugged my pregnant friend and chatted with her about her pregnancy. It was so hard but I am so glad I did it. Also I wrote to my pregnant online friend who you might remember I have moaned and complained about a lot in this diary. I am so ashamed of how I have been over this. Anyway she is due on Saturday, on my birthday actually! And I wrote a lonnnnng email to her and confessed all my yuckiness and asked her forgiveness and asked her to tell me all about her pregnancy, and she has been an absolute angel in her response.
Today I got a big long email back from her, answering all my questions about her pregnancy and baby names and everything. I read it and then started to cry. But it is different now than before. I feel soooo happy for her, I don't actually feel bitter or jealous of her in any way now, which is a first for me. But it does make me feel soooo wistful and sad, it makes me acutely aware of how desperately I want a baby, and how much I wish it was me in her shoes. Well, not exactly her shoes, you know, I am happy with myself and all that! But just to be pregnant, looking beautiful with such a ripe belly, and waiting the last few weeks and days to meet my precious bean. I wasn't crying because she made me sad or anything, I just went all longing and that. I told God how much I want a baby. He really knows my speeches by heart now!
And now I'm okay again, because I am happy to have God in charge these days. It helps me soooo much to have that mindset. I tell myself regularly that it's just a matter of time. I remind myself of how God is in control and quote that bible verse from Jeremiah aloud about God having plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future. I know I will get pregnant and have my baby, and forget the pain of all this, in time. Mostly it is helping me a lot, but sometimes even knowing those things isn't enough when I feel so achy with longing, and the time feels like it is ages long when I look back, and foggy and bleak when I look ahead. I am someone who likes to be in control so it's not always easy!
Well what else can I tell you? I made nappy recently!!! Yay! It is buttery soft, seriously. It's an all-in-one (no wrap needed) made out of my new lightweight windpro fleece in amber (yellowy orange) on the outside, and this sweet bright orange printed flannel on the inside. It has green froggies all over it, catching bugs and jumping about and stuff. I put orange snaps (poppers) on the tabs to fasten it. It is size 1, so should fit up to about 20lbs (somewhere between 6 and 12 months probably).
I started making another nappy yesterday too. It's going to be newborn size and will need a wrap. It's pale green towelling on the outside so it will need a nappy nippa (snappi) to fasten it, and I'm using a pale green microfleece on the inside. But it's not finished yet.
Yesterday evening Neil and I moved all the bedroom furniture in both bedrooms, and finally unpacked and set up the wooden changing station that I won at eBay!!! It is soooo beautiful, I'm so pleased with it! I am storing it next to my bookshelves full of fabrics, so that it can house more fabrics (I seem to have more fabrics than storage space no matter how I make more room for it!), and the nappies I've made. When I have finished stacking all my fabric and nappies on the new changing station I will take a photo and post it. The changing station has a built in baby bath.
We put it together between us, and it took about half an hour without the instructions. I wish I could describe to you how it felt to work on that project together last night. We both felt so excited, as if we were setting up a nursery or something for a baby that was already on the way. When we had put it together, we stroked the wood and admired the design, and spent ages lifting the lid and looking into the baby bath and seeing where the plug hole was, etc. We both agreed that it was exciting to think this is where we will stand to bath our own little one, and here, when we pull the lid down, is where we will put my gorgeous homemade nappies on it's sweet little bottom! Standing at the station like that felt surreal, like I couldn't really believe I would be standing there in a year or so, efficiently changing nappies and absolutely overflowing with love for my baby as I look into his/her face. I know her name already. I pretty much know his name too. I often think of our baby with those names, rather than "our baby", but I can't say that here because the names are our secret for now!
Anyway the changing station was a fun project and it made us both feel excited about having a baby. I see it every time I go upstairs, because it's the first thing you see as you look into the room. You can even see it from our bedroom, down the hall. I hug myself with glee every single time I see it, it makes me feel so excited and thrilled!! It makes me wistful and longing also, but so far all the emotions are good and positive :)
I'll take a photo later, or maybe tomorrow now, because I don't know if I'll have time to finish stacking my fabrics today.
I have some completely ADORABLE baby clothes from eBay that arrived in the post this week. Today I got 3 tiny baby outfits, and one newborn set from the Disney Store, unused. It features Little Roo, and it's sooooo cute. It's cream and pale yellow, sort of a buttery colour. It is a pair of tiny fleece trousers with Little Roo embroidered on them, an embroidered sleepsuit, an embroidered vest/onesie, and an incredibly soft velour jacket with a hood and embroidery on the chest. Ahhhh it's so gorgeous. I could stroke that jacket all day long! Oh and two embroidered bibs :)
I bought wool jersey to make wool wraps with recently. It is about to be shipped from the States!! It was very good value, a) because I got it at a co-op and b) because OH MY GOODNESS, have you SEEN the exchange rate recently?!!! Dollars to pounds is 1.84 at the moment!!!! I have never seen it that good. It means that $17 is �9ish which is amazing. I am getting way more for my money, so I am buying like crazy on all the things I am likely to want for nappy making. I am getting wool in several colours, a yard of each type - lavender, sky blue, spring green, herb green, baby pink, orange, and cherry red. Woohoo, I can't wait!!! I already have some in hot pink.
Also I learnt of a new fabric for nappy-making this month - suedecloth. This is super soft and is ideal for the inner layer that faces the baby's skin, because it wicks moisture away from the skin like microfleece does, but it never ever gets bobbly in the wash. It stays looking new for ages. Sooo there was a co-op for that too, so I bought a yard each of white, beige, sage green and red. Ohhh and another colour but I can't remember which. White and beige are already on their way! I can't wait to see and feel the suedecloth, as I have no idea what it's like yet. I am gonna have to buy a whole new house to store my fabrics pretty soon!
And yesterday I finally bought a size 2 fleece Redrap from TotsBots, since they are the ones all the mothers are raving about on cloth nappy forums over here. The cut seems to be universally ideal and so I am using Redraps to copy the patterns for making my own wraps. I have a size 0 and a size 1 so far, and I have been waiting for a size 2 to come up on the buy and sell forum at UKparents, so I can buy it cheaper and copy the pattern. Size 2 will fit my child for the longest, since it's to fit about 18lbs to about 35lbs. Unless we have a really big toddler, this size should fit till they are potty trained, from possibly around 8 months-ish. So it will get a lot of wear, and I've been saving my best fabrics for this size as a result. I can't wait to get sewing once I've stolen the pattern, hehe!
Ohhh this entry is long! I will stop for now, but I'll write again soon with that photo. We are going to France on Thursday, day after tomorrow, so hopefully I'll get another entry in before we go if I'm not too busy packing and doing fifty million laundry loads, you know the kind of thing! I will update from France though, of course.
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