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2004-02-21 - 11.24pm��previous entry��next entry
The 28-year cycle....
Thanks Judy, Katie, Julie and Meg for your guestbook entries!! :) And thank you to one or two other lovely people for the emails, I am always really encouraged to hear from people who are reading my diary!! :)
Well I am in France at my parents' house :) And it is my 28th birthday today!!! Happy birthday to meeeee!!
I know I said it already in my other diary, but I am now exactly half my mum's age. She had me at 28, and her mum had her at 28 too. Now that I am 28, having a baby feels more urgent than ever. Not because I just "want" to carry on a cycle of some sort, but just because.... I don't know. It feels sort of internal. I swear it's a biological clock thing! It's like my family has this cycle and it's TIIIIIIIME!!!! Another weird but probably boring fact - in France (well, in the wine region here anyway), they are really big on summers. I mean, whether they were hot or not, and therefore good summers for wine harvest. Apparantly in the last century there have been a few excellent years for wine. They were all extremely hot summers, and seemed to come in pairs.
For example - 1947 was a hot summer and produced good wine. BUT, it was nothing compared to 1948 (apparantly), which was also a hot summer and produced fab wine! The locals say the next occasion like this was 1975 - a hot summer with good wine. But 1976 was the hottest summer on record and produced fantastic wine. Now last year, 2003, was a hot summer with a good harvest here. They are predicting a hot summer this year for sure.
Anyway, I just realised this afternoon that my mum was conceived in 1947 and born in 1948. I was conceived in 1975 and born in 1976. And then there was 2003, where I didn't manage to conceive. Each of these gaps is exactly 27/28 years. It was quite a freaky thought, and then I realised I did not manage to conceive in 2003 :( But there is still time to have a 2004 baby and carry on this little cycle. I hope I do. Not for the sake of the timing, but because I just really want to start being a mother this year.
Anyway, big educational ramble over!
Today I am on CD22 (I think), and I am 8 days past ovulation. My temps are looking good. Yesterday I had some cramping, and today I had a lot more, but there hasn't been any this evening. Of course here I am AGAIN, starting to get all hopeful because I am right smack in the perfect window for implantation, and some women experience cramping during implantation. Hmmm. See, I get new things each month, which really sucks because I think I have it sussed from last time and then I think, "Oooh a new thing!! I must be pregnant!" But noooo. Anyway I hope I am.
But - another weird thing - last night I woke in the night and lay there in the dark. I was thinking how I really want to be fit and super-healthy before I am pregnant. I just felt like it would be an easier ride for me or something, and for some crazy reason I started praying that God would let me be in a good enough physical state to go through pregnancy. I mean, that's not crazy, it's good! But very weird for me, since I usually feel so desperate that I don't care if my arms and legs are falling off, if I could only get pregnant and stay pregnant!!!!
I don't know how I feel today. Not too stressed out about it really. No urge to test at all yet, no feelings of, "Oooh only 3 more days till I could start testing!!!" or anything like that. Which is good. Maybe I am just enjoying my birthday today and things will feel more "normal" tomorrow? I am trying not to obsess with my chart too much because I know it can do pretty much anything and still not result in a pregnancy. I hope I am pregnant soon.
Oh I can't remember if I said this before, but I am seeing things from a different perspective this cycle. I talked to Neil about it a lot too, and he thinks it's good too. I went to a website about miscarriage, just because I followed some link I found on somebody's post at FF once. I can't remember it anymore, but if anyone really would like it I can search for that post and see if I can find it again. Anyway, it is full of really interesting stats.
The stats indicate that 75% of fertilised eggs do not progress, or are not viable for pregnancy. Many will not even divide or survive to implant, although some will implant and then not stick. Apparantly this is quite normal - mostly due to chromosomal problems or just not a very healthy egg or sperm, or both.
This ties in with the statistic that every cycle, a normal healthy fertile couple will have a 25% chance of pregnancy. Actually the stats say "conception", not pregnancy, but I am beginning to wonder. Those stats tie in together so well - I mean, if you have open tubes and your husband's sperm count, motility, etc, is good, and you time sex to coincide with ovulation and all that - surely you WILL conceive? And then the fertilised egg has a 75% chance of not progressing, leaving a 25% chance of progressing to normal pregnancy, like the stats say?
Soooo this makes me feel loads better, because I'm thinking that maybe I HAVE been conceiving, but with normal odds, the fertilised egg has not been progressing all this time. Last month it got as far as implantation, for sure, but didn't stick. I would worry about this if I hadn't read those stats, but really the odds are not that high for success each time. I just wish I would fall into the 25% category soon!
So I don't know if I'm right or wrong to be thinking this, but somehow it is making me a LOT calmer about the whole thing - I am thinking that I definitely DID conceive this time, because we timed the sex brilliantly with ovulation, had plenty of it (!!), and Neil's count and motility are great, etc. So it's just a case of waiting to see if that combination is viable or not. I am doing all I can to help it implant, taking the baby aspirin and that. So all that could prevent pregnancy this time is if the fertilised egg is not viable.
If I get my period I will feel disappointed as always, but somehow there's great comfort in thinking, yes I did conceive because I know I am able to and we timed it just right. And yes, I got my period, but look at the odds. We'll get there if we just keep on trying. I want my baby to be healthy. Finding these stats has made me more determined to make myself healthier so that I can produce the healthiest eggs I am able to. I am hoping Neil will take that on a bit too, for his sperm. Good count and motility and morphology apparantly does not show how HEALTHY the sperm actually are. And both of us could eat better (especially Neil actually), and sleep better and be fitter. So I think we will work on that while we wait. It will be good for us too.
So those are my thoughts. Oh I had the weirdest dream the first night we were here (2 nights ago I think). It was like a premonition, but I am certainly not taking it as that!! But in my dream I knew I was dreaming, and I was watching it play out like a premonition of things to come. Weird. Anyway it was like looking at a photo album, in chronological order. First I saw my parents and Neil sitting in a line on the 3-seater sofa downstairs, all anxious as they waited for me to test. Then I was down with them, upset, telling them I was not pregnant this time. Straight away I thought, "Okay so I am not pregnant this time" - it was weird, like I was reacting to the dream as it went along, as though it was telling the story of what would actually happen.
Anyway, then I saw a pregnant lady. So in my dream I thought, "Well now I know I will definitely be pregnant someday!" Then I saw a lady cradling a tiny newborn in her arms, and thought, "Great, I will have a baby!" Then I saw like a snapshot of 2 children sitting up to a table, a boy and a girl - I can't remember which was older. So I thought, "Oooh I'm going to have 2 children, a boy and a girl!!" And then I saw a lady holding a tiny baby in each arm!! And I thought, "Wow, I'm going to have TWINS?!! Two children and then twins?!!" Crazy. Then I woke up. First I was disappointed that I only had 4 children (!!), and then I was thinking, "Well at least I know that it wasn't a realistic dream, since there are no twins in my family!!"
Weiiird dream!
Okay it's late now, and I am going to bed. I will update again soon. I am winning auctions still, even here in France!! I just keep up my bids on the ones I first bid on in England, and pay them with paypal - simple as that! Hopefully I should have a pile of parcels waiting for me when I get home! Either that or a pile of cards from Royal Mail, saying, "We tried to deliver but you were not in, blah blah blah, please come and collect your parcels!" I am expecting a lot of fabric from the States for making nappies this week. One of them is coming via UPS so I am tracking it from here, even though there's no point whatsoever! I'm so excited about fabric, it can't be normal.
Anyway, late, bed, birthday girl, happy, tired, want a baby. Night night! xxx
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