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2004-01-04 - 1.39am (5th)��previous entry��next entry
Freaking-out crazy woman
Having a freaking-out moment in the middle of the night so I need to write about it for a minute. I've been reading loooads of other people's messages and things on the Fertility Friend boards. I discovered there is a special board for people who've been TTC over 6 months (and also another for over 12 months), and I realised I belong there so maybe I should start reading the posts. Well I'm glad I did, because I can relate to what people are saying there WAY better than the general boards. The emotional struggles are so similar to how I feel. I guess it's different again if it's been more than a year or so.
Anyway, I was reading a load of stuff about other people's situations, and someone said about their endometriosis. I know about that but really I'm quite ignorant about it, and I presume I don't have it because I assumed that you have abnormally heavy periods if you have endometriosis. Well, out of curiosity I went searching on the net to learn more about it, and an hour later I am totally clued up. The thing is, the more I read about it, the more it made me wonder if I have it.
What if I do? I know it can cause infertility. I know the only way to really diagnose it is a laparoscopy under general anaesthetic, and I know ALL about that, because when I was a student nurse I watched several of those close up. And I really really don't want to ever have one done on me. And there's no cure and it's just progressive, and it messes up all your reproductive organs so that you can't have children. Okay so I'm taking the extremes here, but I just started to freak out when it occurred to me that endometriosis might be my problem.
Heavy periods is just a possible symptom. But I get bad cramping, not appauling, but enough so that painkillers don't really work and I wake at night with the pain. According to the dozen or so different medical and supportive websites I've just read, that isn't normal. Plus I am getting worse and worse cramping before my periods now, starting earlier and earlier in my cycle. My IBS is just constantly appauling, and I just read that the two can present together, because endometriosis can affect the bowel. Dietary changes did nothing for my IBS, nor did the antispasmodics the doctor put me on a few years ago. What if I have endometriosis and the scarring and adhesions are already too bad for me to have a good chance of pregnancy?
Yes yes, I know I'm jumping the gun, but I can't seem to help completely freaking out about things that relate to me getting pregnant lately. Reading these sites gave me such a horrible sense of doom, I just cried and cried reading them, even though I know life is managable with endometriosis and I know people who have it - even one or two who read my diary (my regular one at least). But just.... the idea, for me, with trying to conceive.... it just seemed too much, and I can't think what I'd do. I would dread any of the procedures used for diagnosis or surgical treatment.
Hang on Alice, you might not even HAVE endometriosis!!
Aaaaargh. I am a crazy woman these days. I have felt really depressed today, and just can't seem to shake it. I feel empty (baby-wise) again and purposeless, like I'm lost without the purpose of making a baby and being a mother. Sounds really silly and melodramatic, I know. I tried to think of something to do today but I couldn't think of a single thing, other than laundry, that there was any point in me doing. So I sat at the computer all day and didn't get dressed. Tomorrow I hope to get a doctor's appointment (if I can wake up in time with it being so late now!), but I am pretty scared he will agree with me about the possibility of having endometriosis.
Why can't my body be NORMAL?!?!?! I am beginning to feel loathesome towards it. It's frustrating me too much. Is this whole year going to be frittered away with efforts to get a life in the form of motherhood, which end up being completely in vain? It feels like it. My chances are probably way better than that of course, but I imagine the worst all the time at the moment and I can't seem to stop the train of thought or the negativity. I wish I was more positive. I just can't make thoughts like that stick in my head. I am being so evil and snappy with my poor husband. He can't do a single thing right and I just want him to leave me alone all the time.
Oddly enough, today I started thinking maybe I don't even want a baby anyway. Like, oh I don't think I can be bothered. What's the point anyway? That kind of thing. What is going on with me?
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