Journal
Sign guestbook
Arthur's Mummy's Diary
Matthew's Belly Gallery
Nathan's Belly Gallery
Benjamin's Belly Gallery
My Fertility Friend Chart
2004-01-29 - 8.45pm��previous entry��next entry
Update on the waiting game
Hello everyone, I'm back at last. Well, okay so it has only been 24 hours, but this day has dragged evvvven slower than the last few. And I expect tomorrow will be worse.
I tested again this morning. A reeeally big fat negative. No sign of any line that I thought I saw yesterday, so maybe yesterday's test was a bit defective? It's exactly the same test (well, a new one, not the one I peed on yesterday!) so if it was showing anything interesting yesterday it should have been there today too. It definitely wasn't an evaporation line that I saw yesterday because that showed up a few hours later and it was white.
Oh well, it's certainly negative today. So I have felt kind of down this morning, because I really did have my hopes up with such a "pregnant" chart and all.
But all is not lost I suppose! My temp was UP a little bit this morning which is a great sign still. Still completely triphasic. I asked for advice from the fertility experts at FF and they said my chart looks great, but to wait until the day my period is due before testing. Other people on my buddy groups are saying that too. So I will wait till then, and it's so close now - only the day after tomorrow - so it's not so bad. I am dreading getting my period though. And it does mean I have to find out through my temperatures what will happen, which makes it kind of scary to wake up and realise it's time to temp. When I get that excited/nervous about it, I am shaking in bed while the thermometer is in my mouth! And then it's dreadful to make myself look to see what it says. Dreadful. But huuuge relief this morning as it was up! :)
If I was getting my period, I would expect it to do anything tomorrow - it could go up a little, stay the same, drop a little, drop quite a bit, any one of those really. A drop of quite a bit would be a real downer. But Saturday I would expect a complete drop, which nearly always has to happen with me before I get my period. That's how I'll know. And I'm dreading it! Some people have suggested I stop temping but I can't. That would drive me MORE crazy I think. Going to the loo every 10 minutes to see if my period's here yet would be awful, which is what would happen if I had no warning!
Sooooo I will temp tomorrow and see what's what, but unless there's a significant drop it won't give any indication of what will happen. Then I'll temp Saturday morning and that will be the decider. Either it will drop and I'll know my period's coming that day, or it will stay the same, drop only a fraction, or rise, in which case I will take a pregnancy test immediately!! I hope I hope I hope. This is sooooo hard. And there is a small chance my period could arrive tomorrow, since I've had 3 luteal phases that length, though not for over 6 months now. So we'll see.
Well okay, onto my normal waffle! I am now on CD27, and I'm 12 days past ovulation. I am a lot more crampy today which makes me sad because I wonder if my period is really coming. Cramps were fairly constant this morning for several hours, just hot and achy. Then they eased off for a couple of hours and are back now, on and off. I have felt sick sick sick alllll day long. Soooo nauseous. I ate breakfast fine, no problem. I had marmite on toast and a banana smoothie, because I was thinking of my little (potential) bean and what would be a good breakfast. Also it's good for me :)
But then later on in the morning I started to feel yucky and it's lasted all day since then. I have been soooo hungry, but felt so nauseous that I didn't have lunch till 3pm, and then the only thing I could take was cottage cheese on ryvita. That's not cottage cheese like they have it in America, just so you know! Over here it's savoury (almost sour) and tangy and flavoursome, and you'd be crazy to eat it with dessert! I was so surprised when I went to a self-service restaurant in the States once and there was a huge pile of cottage cheese by the fruit in the dessert section!!!! Yeurrrgh! I tried it but it was completely flavourless. Blech. English cottage cheese rocks. So I had that on ryvita and that was yummy for me today, but I've felt sick since then too. I just put a roast dinner on so I hope I can eat that when it's ready.
So I definitely have weird things happening, even if I do end up with my period. Really weird.
I have asked around (FF experts again) and I can't seem to find any studies done on triphasic charts. I want to see some!!! The study they did on implantation dips was sooo interesting, and another one on the timing of pregnancy tests. But they haven't done one yet on triphasic charts. The lady suggested I do a search in the chart gallery for triphasic charts, so I did. There are about 300 non-pregnancy ones and just over 600 pregnancy ones. That kind of bummed me out a bit, but when I trawled through the first couple of hundred, there were PLENTY of charts that had been entered as triphasic but really did not have any evidence of being so.
So this afternoon I started my own study. I did a specific search on pregnancy charts that are triphasic, and that also had a negative HPT before a positive. I had to narrow the search down somehow! :) Plus I'm interested. Honest! Mmm-hmmm. Anyway, there were 164, so I've been working through them writing down what day past ovulation each chart went triphasic, and also noting if there was any implantation dip (not very often), and noting the latest DPO that they had a negative HPT, and then the day of their first positive HPT. I've done about 70 charts so far and it's been really interesting.
And encouraging! Because lots of them still had negative tests on 13 or 14DPO, but a positive on day 15 or 16. But then there were quite a lot also who had a negative on like 9 DPO (!!) and then a positive day 10 or 11 :( But maybe I did test too early? It's so hard not knowing and feeling like I'll probably just get my period like last time when I had my hopes up and things to pin them on. But this time I really do feel like I must be pregnant. I know I've said that before, and just because I feel that way it doesn't mean I won't get my period. But still. It will make it very hard if I do.
Wellll what else can I write about? I don't know if I have many more significant "maybe?" symptoms. I feel kind of light headed at the moment, but I'm tired and suddenly enormously hungry so maybe that's what it is.
Neil and I talked about if we haven't succeeded this cycle. Neil feels kind of angry about it if we haven't, because he feels like it's a game that we are being teased with. We get great pointers and have our hopes all up and then nothing happens anyway. Why on earth would I have such a triphasic chart if I'm not pregnant. I've never had a chart like it. Neil says he's never seen my temps do anything LIKE what they're doing this cycle, and we can look in the books and SEE examples of triphasic charts that look almost exactly like mine which always seem to be down to pregnancy. So Neil feels angry about it coming to nothing, because it feels so unfair after having such a pregnant chart.
Next cycle we would still carry on with the egg white, and I think I will start on natural vitamin E, which I have heard lots about from various girls at FF (many success stories). I am reaching a stage where I feel like I no longer mind grasping at a few straws! So I think we'll try that next time. There are loads of little things I could be trying "just incase" they work, but I don't want to go the whole hog just yet.
I just have to trust God. But I don't know what he's doing or what he wants for us. I know we're not really meant to know stuff like that, but it feels hard to get tossed around emotionally and have really clear pregnancy signs for absolutely no reason other than to make it that much harder when it all comes crashing down. I think that's partly why Neil feels so angry about it too. But somehow we just have to trust God. He is the only one in control and we have to remember that he is faithful always. Always. He is always faithful.
Thanks everyone for rooting for me, I am really touched by how people seem to be excited on my behalf and thinking of me a lot as they go through their own day. So sweet :) Thank you!
I will update again tomorrow, though I don't plan to test. Unless I feel really down about things I'm sure I'll want to vent in here about it while I wait through the 205-hour-day that tomorrow will be!! :S
Please God bless me with a baby. And help me trust you more, because I need you much more than I need a baby, and more than anything else in my life. I want this pregnancy in YOUR timing, but I'm having a hard time waiting because I want it so much. Help me Lord! Please bless me with a baby. Please hold us close if we have to accept that it just wasn't to be this month. I love you Lord.
Recent entries.....
Babies 7 and 8! :) - 2016-01-10
Babies 6 and 7! - 2013-02-17
Baby #5 !! - 2010-04-03
Nearly 3 months postpartum! - 2009-10-05
6 weeks old already! - 2009-08-25