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2003-12-31 - 9.17pm��previous entry��next entry
Sooooo sad :(
Okay, not so happy now as I was when I wrote earlier.
This afternoon I caved in and took a pregnancy test. It was negative :( This was the first time Neil was with me while I sat and watched the darn thing. I was trying to tell myself it would be negative, but really I was so hopeful, if only because of how much I wanted it to be positive. The crazy thing is that as I laid the strip down to wait for the 3 minutes, I thought I saw a clear line in the test area coming up pink. I said, "Oh. My. Goodness." But it wasn't, it was just the moisture travelling up the strip. That's the closest I ever came to really really really believing I could genuinely be pregnant in my whole life. But it only lasted a second really.
Anyway we watched it and nothing happened. Neil didn't know what to say to me and I couldn't seem to say anything at all. We sat on the bed for ages till my brother called us down for lunch. Neil went down and I said I'd follow in a moment, but as soon as he was out of the room I started crying from nowhere at all, and I couldn't stop. I guess I must have been pinning more on this cycle than any of the others, because I don't think I've reacted like this before. I just could not stop crying, and I felt like there was no point in anything. I guess pre-period hormones don't help though! Every time I tried to stop and mop myself up to go for lunch, I started over again.
For the first time I just felt soooo angry and angry, and also angry, but mainly angry. I said mean stuff to God but then when I calmed down later I told him how sorry I was for that. I am being really immature about this. God knows entirely what is best for me, and he knows my pain and he cries with me, I know that. But for some reason it seems harder on a whole different scale this time. Maybe it's because it's the last day in a difficult year where I have lost a lot and had a lot to grieve about already. It kind of felt like a last kick in the guts, and I felt angry about that.
I feel angry that other people are getting pregnant all around me - well, okay, only one (!!), but it feels like the eruption of pregnancies is just about to begin. Online friends don't seem to count - isn't that odd? But real people who I have met and know, that hurts such a lot. I am right back to not dealing at ALL well with friends who are pregnant. I just want everyone to go away and not have any babies till I have. Man I suck.
I tried not to have a huge pity party, but I decided if I had feelings that wanted expressing that I would let them come out, because I have suppressed feelings a lot in my life and it's only landed me in pain and therapy, so I don't do that anymore if I can help it. So I cried for like an hour, and then Neil came up to see why I hadn't come down for dinner, since he had finished his. He gave me hugs and let me cry on him and just generally was nice. Before he went down he was less understanding. He said things like, "Don't let it get you down so much." which sounds like great advice but just makes me feel misunderstood. I said, "You don't know what it's like." and he agreed about that at least. He does know, to some extent, but it's different for women. It just is.
Well then he went back down to ask my mum to put my lunch aside for me to eat later, and got me some water, and I cried some more. After a while he took a nap and I started to feel better about things, like I had needed to get it out of my system. I went and took a shower, and then I felt lots better. I went downstairs and talked to my mum about it for a long time, but from an "I'm okay now, don't worry!" point of view!
I just feel so sad that we still haven't got a baby in our lives. I feel so empty, physically. I don't know why I never felt this way any of the other times, but this time I am so acutely aware of emptiness inside me. I feel - this will sound stupid - but I feel barren. I feel a failure. I feel fed up with trying and hoping and failing. What on earth am I going to be like if we have to wait a year or two longer?! I hope we won't have to, but I feel quite honestly like I will never be pregnant. I feel somehow like my body is incapable of carrying a child. It breaks my heart completely, even if it's not true, because it's how I feel.
My mum was worried. She wants me to find a new doctor (we have moved away from our last one) as SOON as we get home, and she wants me to press for a referral to a specialist now, because she's worried that it is starting to depress me. She wants us to be able to find out why we haven't conceived yet, if there is anything to discover, so that I start being happy again. I told her I am, but she says she can see I am happy in general, but very tense and unhappy about "my baby".
Well, tomorrow I expect my temperature to drop, and then I should get my period. I continue to be really crampy in an odd way, but I am 13 days post ovulation today, which is probably early enough for a positive pregnancy test if I was pregnant. I know there's still a chance, but I can't bear to get my hopes up again with it being so painful to have them dashed right now. So please don't anybody say there's still a chance. I just want to get my period over and done with, and my GOODNESS I can't wait to see the back of this year tonight. I have been praying crazy stuff today, stuff that will sound WELL over the top, crying and praying that God would have mercy on me and bless me and fill my womb with a new life. I can't tell you how much I am longing for it right now. More than ever I think. It hurts so much every time I think about small children, even talking about when me and my brother were little, like you do when families get together.
Anyway, I will update to say my period is here when it arrives. Hopefully it's tomorrow, and hopefully it won't be too mean to me, as I want to enjoy the rest of my time here. I feel as though I've let my feelings over getting pregnant spoil some of my time here, and that makes me feel terribly unhappy too, because it's such precious time.
Anyway, Happy New Year everyone. Here's hoping and praying for a fruitful year in 2004!
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