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2003-12-31 - 12.08pm��previous entry��next entry
Period due tomorrow.... going crazy...
Here I am again. Thanks so much to Judy and Mia for your guestbook entries!! Mia's link is locked of course but it's only polite to leave a link. ;) And how EXCITING that Mia is pregnant again!! Mia's pregnancy journal for Liam is one of the first 3 pregnancy journals that I found (all in one day) and read, along with Candace (who's locked as well) and Leah. So it's really weird that so much time has passed to be on another pregnancy! Congratulations Mia. I am only somewhat jealous, of course! Heh. I am doing my best to be pregnant with you.
Ohhkay, today's whimper. Well, it's not all bad, because I am not quite so irritable as I thought, and I am having a nice time with my family, so that is lovely. The weather is gorgeous (but sitting around freezing) and I'm going for a walk later in the vineyards. So things are not miserable at all.
But I am soooo crampy. I am making a note of it incase it's relevant, because whether or not my period is on it's way, these cramps feel weird and different. They are like "pulling" cramps rather than squeezing cramps, and my womb feels like a fiery little ball of discomfort, rather than congested and all that. So hmmm, that's different. Which of course makes me wonder. Which obviously I shouldn't. Oh and I have had backache in the small of my back sort of like cramps, and I NEVER get back cramps with a period, ever. I used to occasionally in the first couple of years after starting my periods, but not since. But maybe that's a bumpy flight (which it was) and an unfamiliar mattress? Who knows.
My mum says I should be relaxing about it much more than I am. She says I don't seem very relaxed in general and that I seem very highly strung about the whole getting pregnant thing. She says maybe that's even why I'm not getting pregnant. Maybe, but I haven't the FAINTEST idea how to relax any further about it. I really don't seem to be able to, no matter how I try.
I was really queasy last night, but maybe that was wind? My temp was still up this morning so I won't get my period today, but it has dropped a bit from what it was. I hope it's not on the plop. Tomorrow's temp will tell all, because my period is due tomorrow, and I'm sure it won't be even a day late, since I know when I ovulated for sure. It should have dropped if I am going to get my period. If it's the same or higher then things are looking up. I know I am getting stupidly stressy about it all, because I am not sleeping well at ALL. I keep waking to look at the clock incase it's time to take my temperature yet. Last night I woke more than once every hour, which is not good really. But I just can't seem to NOT be stressy about it. I just want to know, one way or the other, and I hate waiting, it's driving me crazy. And I'm sooooo hoping it will be good news.
I told my mum about the real egg white idea. I think she felt the "eww" factor! Mmmm! I am trying to focus on next cycle like I was managing to do a week ago, but I just can't see past tomorrow. I want to be pregnant soooooo much, and particularly while I'm here with my family to share it with. But I can't help but feel unhappy because I'm probably not. Every time I get a period it seems to make me less confident the next time, like my odds are actually going down or something. Are they?
I should be focusing on God a WHOLE lot more than I am. I know that's missing right now. I keep asking God to help me be fixed on him and not getting pregnant, but the second the words are out of my mouth I am back to pregnancy again. It's so much harder than I expected all this stuff to be. Why can't I just get pregnant?
But the sun is shining and it's a beautiful day, and my parents are practically within arms reach which is a rare pleasure. So I'm trying. And anyway, I was thinking as I lay in bed last night, if my period arrives, by next week I'll have forgotten all about how I feel now (I hope), and will be focusing on the next cycle, hopefully with optimism!
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