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2004-01-27 - 5.26pm��previous entry��next entry
Going crazy (again!) waiting!!!
Ahhhhhh I am going craaaazy this cycle!!!!! Okay so I go crazy every cycle in the last week - it's so so so horrible to wait this last bit out. If you haven't been through it you honestly can't know how horrible. I used to think, "Yeah that must be bad." But I had noooo idea. None.
My chart is triphasic, triphasic, triphasic, tra la la laaa!! I am so excited because it can be an indication of pregnancy. But of course it might not mean anything of the sort. Still it's my first REAL triphasic chart, ever!! Last cycle I had a sorta triphasic chart, but this one is super-duper triphasic!! For anyone who doesn't know what I'm rambling on about, a normal cycle where you ovulate is called biphasic, which is where you have a low level of temps followed by a shift to sustained higher temps after ovulation. Triphasic is therefore when you have the normal shift after ovulation, followed by another shift to even higher sustained temps partway through the luteal phase (the phase between ovulation and period). My books and fertility sources say it's due to a further increase in progesterone, which is what causes temps to rise during the menstrual cycle. Progesterone increases in pregnancy, from before you miss a period, so that can be a cause for triphasic temps. But progesterone does continue to increase until the sudden drop which causes a period to arrive, so it could be either really. But either way I love love love my triphasic chart!!! Whether I'm pregnant or not. It's pretty, and I am impressed with myself :)
I am soooo hot today. And in the night too, the last 2 nights. I just radiate, and my skin feels like it's doing mexican waves in sweat. Nice. But hot isn't me at all (especially in January!) so it's yet another probably misleading thing to pin my silly hopes on. But I really feel hot. I had to take a walk a few hours ago, just to get some cold air on me.
Let's see, what other potentially misleading pregnancy symptoms do I have?! I always want to post these incase I need them in hindsight, but then always always feels stupid when I get my period and see the entries with me all hopeful over some now-obvious pre-menstrual symptom! But I need to write today. I am going crazy waiting. I am 10 days past ovulation today. My period is always due on the 14th day, but sometimes it comes on the 13th.
I have the normal sore breasts and stabbing pains. I am slightly crampy, but only mild and kind of warm, but that's been the case before. I am not craving fast food anymore, which is a relief! I am super hungry all the time, but again that happens sometimes at this stage of my cycle, and anyway I've been getting up earlier, which gives me more time to get hungry in the day (?!). I am really really irritable yet again. I seem to spend more than half my entire life irritable and I'm not too happy about that, but it just feels under my skin, y'know? I don't like it. At least it's not directed at my husband so much as it used to be.
I want to be pregnant soooo much, like I can't describe. I can't think of anything else at all. The feeling gets so intense in the last few days of waiting. I can't even make that feeling happen this strong any other time of the month, no matter how badly I want to be pregnant. I think it has to do with the last minute wondering and hoping, and probably heightened hormone levels.
I feel like I'm just plodding through each hour of each day just to get to the next one, so that I'm that bit nearer to finding out whether I'm finally pregnant, or starting over again. Nothing distracts me at all. I try to distract myself, I watch things on TV, I play computer games, I go online, I take walks, I do housework. All the time it's like I'm going through the motions, just because I have to do SOMETHING to pass the time. I'm just waiting, waiting, waiting. It feels like endless time, the days and hours are passing so slowly this cycle.
Today I am starting to wonder about what feels like the inevitable, and the next few days. I am wondering what is going to be the least painful way of finding out that I'm not pregnant. I definitely do NOT want to relive the pain of the last failed cycle, but I don't realistically see a way to prevent it. All day I have been thinking, "Negative pregnancy test? Temperature drop? Negative pregnancy test? Temperature drop?" and trying to weigh up which would be more painful to see. They both seem like an unbearable thought to me today. I seem more emotional today, more weepy and that, which again is normal as I approach another period.
A negative pregnancy test when you sooooo hope to see a positive is just crushing. I don't think I could do that. But the alternative is waiting (and thus allowing my hopes to rise further) until my temperature drops one morning, which will signal that my period will arrive later that day. I already know that is just an awful feeling too. If I did neither of those (and I don't want to stop temping), then even WORSE would be my period showing up. One of the three will have to happen unless I'm pregnant, and I already know I can't bear any of those options, so I'm trying to figure out which one would be the best.
I am thinking the negative pregnancy test. But then that hurt soooo much last cycle. But if I start not sleeping at night because of being so hyped about my temperature in the morning (like last cycle), then I'll need to put myself out of my misery and test. Last cycle I slept loads better when I had a negative test.
Urgh. It's such a horrible business. It's supposed to be all sweetness and light, but that's only when it's handed to you on a plate. Or of course when you finally get there after trying for ages. But for the rest of it, it seems to really suck. Some parts are fun of course! ;) But I am tired and fed up of waiting and failing all the time now. I want it over now.
This cycle has been so familiar to last cycle in many ways - different to all the ones before that. I keep finding myself praying, on and off all day long, well, not really praying, more like begging, that God will please please please please (etc) let me be pregnant this time. I NEVER pray like that normally. My relationship with God (and thus my communication with him) is totally rational and I never feel the need to beg and plead because he is so faithful and loving and generous and kind. But I feel funny about things with God lately. I pour out all my feelings to God, just as I did last cycle, sometimes in floods of tears because it hurts me so much, and beg and beg and plead and ask more rationally and beg and plead again for God to bless us with a child, with a pregnancy, to fill my womb with life, to heal up any barriers that might be in the way, everything. My whole heart is out there all messy and everything, and yet already God knows that days and weeks before I'm pouring myself out hoping, he already decided that I would not conceive. I know he knows best, but it's like I am losing sight of the plot lately. Today I got the feeling when I was pouring out my all in pleading for pregnancy, that I am probably not pregnant, and have had a dead unfertilised egg in me for the last 10 days, and it's almost like if God knows that then surely he must be laughing at me scrunching up my heart with pleading and hoping for nothing. I knooooow that is not how God is. But it was a horrid feeling. I don't know where I'm going with this. It's making me cry for some reason.
I just want to have a baby. Why should that be such a hard thing to do? Everyone has babies. Emphasis on the "every" part. You only have to walk out the door, or even look out of your window or let your ears open, and you can know that EVERYONE is having babies. I bet there are thousands of people all over the world sighing with relief today because they got their period when they were getting all scared they might be pregnant (that awful unwanted business). Why, when I long for it so much and am so ready to be a mother, can't I?
I don't know. But man I'm going to be so happy when it happens for me. Words will not describe it.
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