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2003-12-01 - 9.35pm��previous entry��next entry
Bra shopping and huge rant (sorry!)
Thank you Meg and Nicola for your guestbook entries! :) Nicola, most of my fabrics and fleece and stuff is bought online, but lots of it is from the States. I usually buy through One Stop Diaper Shop because they have a great range (bit low on stock at the mo though, but the lady who runs it is 38 weeks pregnant so that might be why!). And also the BEST value for money around. Pity about the shipping cost though :( I get other fabrics from... hmmm... OHHH here's one you could try! Walterandtrixie.co.uk - it's a UK fabric (and sewing bits) online shop, run by a mum. She sells fleece (lots of colours) and flannels and knit fabrics in different prints, etc. Try there, if you don't mind buying online. I have bought a few things from her.
I am not sure why, but I am decidedly more broody than I have been for a while. Maybe it's because I feel back in the saddle (so to speak!) over having a baby? I don't know. At church on Sunday the children and babies seemed so much more..... noticable (?!) than usual. I kept happening to glance up just as genuine Hallmark moments were happening - I could almost see the slow-motion and hear the movie music, it was so weird! Just things like children's expressions, or a baby laughing, or two children holding hands and talking to each other. Or a family of four children, ages 7 - 12, filing past their parents to go to their Sunday School groups, and just noticing how their parents made eye contact with and touched each child in a loving way as each one passed them.
For the first time I don't seem to feel jealous, as such. It's a very similar feeling, but it really isn't jealousy. I'm just clutching myself with HUNGER for what they've got. I want it too. Sooooooo much. I want my children around me and I want to be a parent. I really really want to get to do parenting. It's not just being pregnant (which frankly sounds kind of scary!) or having a cute newborn. I really want to practise parenting. I have been researching and working on the theory since I was a child myself - which sounds crazy but it's true. Parenting is the only thing I've ever been interested in, and when I figured that out at the age of six (yadda yadda, I know I've said all this before, but who cares), I started working on it. I watched my friends' parents to see how they handled things differently to my parents, and thought a lot about whether those differences seemed good or bad, or just different. Watching and paying close attention makes a person understand a lot, even if they have never practised it. Of course you need the practical experience as well to consider yourself competent.
The sermon on Sunday at church happened to be on forging strong families - about marriage and parenting (or supporting families, for single people). It was good. This guy has two children, aged 12 and 13. He is a headmaster at a secondary school, and has a strong marriage. His children love and respect him. So it was good to hear what he had to say. I did not learn anything new though, because I have done so much research and learning and observing already. He told us how he disciplines his children and recommended it as a good method, because it's non-physical, rational, etc, and it works. Unfortunately I totally disagree with it, because it's exactly how I was disciplined as a teenager, and I know my parents thought the same way he did, that it made sense, that it worked, etc. It sounds so silly and trivial, but here it is - if his daughter needs disciplining for something, he stops her watching Neighbours. He explained the idea behind it, that you find something your child enjoys and restrict them from doing it, or reduce the time they are allowed to do it.
This sounds like a very reasonable and mutually satisfying solution, doesn't it? Well it's not. I'm sure it works nicely for some kids, but I wouldn't be surprised if the majority of them hate it, whether their parents know it or not. Obviously they don't like it, because they want to do the thing they enjoy! But it's more than that, and these parents that use this as a method of disciplining their teenagers don't seem to realise this.
My parents did exactly the same to me when I was around this man's daughter's age. They stopped me watching Neighbours, or EastEnders, or whatever it was that I was obsessed with at the time. If necessary, they also took down my zillions of posters of Kylie Minogue all over my walls. That only had to happen twice. And they would sometimes take away my hi-fi thingy so I couldn't listen to my favourite tapes, etc. The guy preaching on Sunday said that it works because the kids realise they can't get away with whatever they were being disciplined for, because the thing they are being restricted from is important to them, so they know they'd better behave if they want to keep watching / doing it.
Doesn't this sound like a lovely nice way to discipline your teen? What a good, thoughtful, non-violent, understandable way to teach your teen what is acceptable and what isn't.
Not.
I sometimes think that people who think this is true don't understand teenagers very well. Sure they can live without TV, music, posters, etc, and maybe it's even good for them to do so. But it's different when you use that as a form of punishment.
The way I see it is this: Teenagers are making pretty much the most difficult adjustment of their lives, physically, emotionally, mentally, socially, in every direction really. They are learning who they are. It's a very rare child who sails through this time feeling acceptable and emotionally stable and peachy contentedly happy all the time. The majority of teens will not be telling their parents about this journey and how it affects them. But lots of parents will think they know what's going on in their teenager's head, only they usually don't. It bugs me.
Anyway, ooh this is a rant isn't it?! Sorry. Nearly finished, don't worry.
So for me, I was finding it okay, but rocky - I suppose like a normal teenager would. I wasn't always that happy, mostly because I didn't have the best self-esteem, and I was being bullied on and off at school. I didn't like the conflict that puberty seemed to cause, or the mood swings that I didn't seem to be able to control but that were obviously something unacceptable to my parents.
I had a few things that I really really really enjoyed, that I could escape to if things felt too much - which most adults would completely identify with. Only I think it's more important for a teenager to have those stress-relievers than for adults even. So first of all, when I was prevented from accessing those things it made me miserable. Instead of being filled with strength of understanding and determined to behave so that I could do them next week.
Secondly it was often punishment for something that came from one of those moods that I hated in myself already, but couldn't control or understand. So that crushed my self-esteem.
Thirdly it just completely confirmed to me that my parents didn't understand what I was going through or what I needed.
And last but not least, it made me feel like I wasn't respected on a level of an adult, which I think teenagers deserve. Discipline is necessary still, but surely everything should be done in a way that respects the child. I believe that should be the case with discipline for every age of child. But would you say to an adult, "Now I know you like to watch Match of the Day more than anything. I know it's how you relax at the end of a day. But I didn't like how you behaved just now (even if it was genuinely unacceptable behaviour), so I am going to stop you watching Match of the Day to teach you that you can't behave like that around me." Would you EVER dare to say that to your husband or any other adult on your own level?!!! Nope, no way. It's disrespectful. So why is it different for teenagers? If another adult lashed out in an unreasonable way, how would you handle it? You'd talk first, right? Maybe if that couldn't resolve things, you'd share how it made you feel and hope that opened their eyes. At worst, maybe you'd get outside help. Why is it different for teenagers? Talking often isn't even done, the punishment is just doled out.
It makes me so mad. I would never do that to a teenager, because I think it crushes them and disrespects them - there must be another way around it. So I completely disagreed with the guy on Sunday, and it was a shame to see so many parents of 10 - 12 year-olds paying attention with great interest. I hope it really DOES work for this guy's daughter like he thinks it does. I hope it's not just that it works for him, and his daughter still loves him and seems okay on the surface, so it must work. My parents did a GREAT job with me, especially in the biggest challenge of their lives - my teens! But I would not choose to repeat that method of discipline. I think teenagers need to be listened to, especially if they are lashing out in some way. Surely the more they act out, the more they are showing that they need love and self-assurance and acceptance and a listening ear.
But I won't be a parent to a teenager for yeeeears, so that's all kind of irrelevant for now. But this is how I've been since my own childhood - looking into things and picking the things that seem to be good, and even assessing how I am being parented and figuring out whether it works from the kid's perspective. There's so much to learn before you even get there. I think you can never start learning about parenting too early. If I can start thinking and planning and learning how to be a parent before I lose my baby teeth then I know that's true!
Ahhhhhhh now I've ranted for EVER!!! Soooo sorry!
But on with the entry....
Today I spent HOURS in town, trying maternity bras on! *sigh* I got measured in the end, because nothing was fitting me and I got all frustrated. I don't fancy writing my bra size in my public diary (!!) but the lady measured me as a cup size I've never been before, but a thin little chest measurement, so M&S didn't have any in my size :( The next one that should also have fitted me didn't fit comfortably either :( So I went to Mothercare, but their bras didn't fit right either. I will try Boots, Tesco and Asda next. I really need a good supply of maternity bras that fit, because I seem to need that kind of comfort and support these days anyway, and I have outgrown all of my non-maternity bras.
BUT. I don't think I'm pregnant :( I have had cramps now for a day or so, since yesterday I think. So I'm sure it's on the way.
Today is CD25 and my period should be due in 3 days (ish), so we'll see. I don't think I'm pregnant. I would so so so so so like to be, honestly, I can't TELL you how much I am suddenly longing for it again. But I don't think we've been successful this time. Hey ho. I will keep you all updated! :)
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