Journal
Sign guestbook
Arthur's Mummy's Diary
Matthew's Belly Gallery
Nathan's Belly Gallery
Benjamin's Belly Gallery
My Fertility Friend Chart
2003-12-27 - 8.01pm��previous entry��next entry
Back from the first family trip, and thoughts....
Well I'm back. It's the weekend between the two family trips, so I'm just here to update. I will be able to update again from my parents' house in France though, and I definitely will because I am due my period while we're there!
I am currently on CD23 and I'm 9 days past ovulation. I kept a note of all my temps, CM and cervix position while we were at Neil's parents' house this week, and I entered all the data onto my FF chart when we got home (yesterday). My temps are weird this month! They did a weird dippy thing that I never saw before, in the few days after I ovulated, and then they got nice and high, and now they are staying up there at the same temp for the last 3 mornings. I was getting kind of excited because it was different, so I was wondering if this might be "it", or if my chart was actually triphasic (which means I had an initial rise after ovulation, followed by another sustained rise a while after that - this can be a pregnancy indicator, or... not, of course!). But when I got home I did lots more reading in my TCOYF book, and it looks like my temps are showing a "stair-step" pattern which is quite common and not that exciting :( Oh well.
I was getting my hopes up because I had EWCM this cycle, but then I got to wondering if I had had EWCM other cycles too, but just never noticed it. That sounds crazy, but actually it's possible, because this cycle I have been doing all my checking internally, and other cycles I have only done that occasionally, so maybe I just didn't notice any if I am not producing much.
I was about to apologise for TMI, but actually if you're reading this you're probably okay with me writing this kind of stuff! You would have gone, "EW!!!" and closed this window by now otherwise. Plus it doesn't bother me, and that's pretty much the most important thing since it's my diary! Heh. I want it all on record. Particularly since getting pregnant does not seem to be coming naturally to us, and I don't know how long it's going to take or if we'll ever be successful. So yeah. Expect more graphic detail in future entries! ;) But I will try not to get too gross.
Oh except this next bit you might find a bit gross, I don't know. I read something in TCOYF that I also saw on FF once, or somewhere, I can't remember. Anyway, I was sooooo repulsed by the idea, and thought there is NO WAY I am getting that desperate. Well now I keep going back to the stuff about it in TCOYF and wondering, and it's not really grossing me out any longer. So sorry if this is a really yucky idea to have in your head, but I am wondering about egg white. Mmm-hmm, I said egg white.
See, TCOYF says that real egg white is a sperm nourishing environment. There aren't any studies yet that confirm that it can be a fertility aid for women who don't have any or much EWCM, but there are one or two examples of such women in the book who tried for years, and eventually used real egg white during their normal fertile time, and conceived right away. Plus I know that I have this problem with EWCM, even though I found a little this cycle. So I am thinking about it more and more. I know I said I would never get that desperate, but actually I really am. I wouldn't bother even if I was REALLY desperate, if I knew I had normal EWCM each cycle, but that's just the thing - I know I am not normal in this respect and that this could be the solution therefore. Possibly, anyway. If Neil's sperm count is low then obviously it doesn't mean we'll conceive. But at least the few that are there might survive and swim better in the right substance, which I don't seem to make :(
Soooo Neil and I talked about it a lot, and if I get my period at the end of this cycle then we'll put the egg white theory to the test next cycle. Thinking about it makes me kind of ewwwy, but actually the idea that it could be our means to a baby is making it a much lovelier thought all the time. I am actually feeling not that optimistic today about this cycle, though I have been feeling pretty good about it till today. I feel like oh well, my period's sure to arrive as usual, so to save me the pain and upset while I'm spending precious time with my family, I am trying to pretend like it's inevitable and look ahead to next cycle already. For this reason I am really looking forward to it, because we'll be trying something new that could really make the difference for us. It's also helpful to have that something new for next cycle, because I can't get tests done till the following cycle since we're not around at the right times in my cycle, so it's good to have something to look forward to about it.
So then, this is the plan. Wait for period. Pray a lot. Get period. Pray a lot. Wait for fertile window. Pray a lot. Buy very fresh eggs from organic butcher that I really trust (!!). Pray a lot. Use egg white till ovulation. Pray a lot. Wait for period. Pray a lot. Get period. Pray a lot. See doctor for tests immediately so that I can get CD3 bloods. Pray a lot.
And that's about it.
Well, back to today, I am having a lot of dragging cramps which are definitely not IBS, because they feel very periody. Hmmm. I haven't felt so hormonal this cycle though, which is good. I have felt extremely weepy at anything vaguely Hallmarky on TV though, much more than usual for me. Kids smiling at Santa, reindeer with lights on flying in movies, and for some reason children in Old West movies saying the word, "Momma" really chokes me up. Maybe it's the time of year actually.
But I still have 5 days till my period's due. My breasts are really sore, and have been for most of the week, but much less so than the last couple of cycles. Today though, I ran upstairs for something which was kind of uncomfortable, and then I came back down for a couple of hours. Then I ran up to go to the loo and WOW, somebody had magically given me a breast enlargement inbetween those two times!!! Seriously. I noticed first because of the pain, and then on further examination (!) I discovered that I needed to change into a maternity bra and the skin had gone tight and shiny again, like last cycle I suppose. Neil is quite happy about it of course. I am too, but it's kind of sore!
Hmmm, what else hormonal is there to report? Nothing really..... nope. I have been checking my cervix position every day this cycle which is a first for me as well. So far it is different every day, except when I was in my fertile window, but I don't know what is normal for me yet so I can't really guess whether that's okay or not.
Neil's family and a family friend who came round while we were there, were really nice about us trying for a baby. Not always that sensitive but oh well. They were never INsensitive, but somehow I was just feeling a bit sensitive to hearing them talk about when I am pregnant, etc, etc. Maybe because I feel worried that I never will be and therefore like I'll be letting them down in some way, since having a baby is the role I will take in furthering their family line. That probably sounds a bit extreme! But it's how I feel I guess. I know I won't be letting anyone down, but it makes me sort of antsy to hear them happily talking about when I'm pregnant I'll need this, or when we visit with "the grandchildren" in the future, they'll have this or that set aside for them. Neil's mum already has things set away for our child(ren) to use while we stay with them, like clothes, toys, that kind of thing. Mostly packed away from when Neil was a baby!!! Yikes! I have a thing about wanting my children to wear and play with new things - I don't mean brand spanking new, because I'm keen on finding barely-used bargains as you know! But I mean, from this century, y'know?!
Anyway, I have run out of things to say. I wish I was more confident about being pregnant this time around, but I'm just not. I don't feel too miserable or anything, but I do often feel like I'll never be able to have a child of my own. Sounds drastic in these "early days" (which I am FED RIGHT UP of people saying by the way. I know it's not even a year yet, but hello, it's not like we've been randomly "kinda trying" to get pregnant - we've been actively TTC using charts and fertility awareness, and 7 months is no longer an okay thing. Besides which it feels like a long time. It does NOT feel like early stupid days). So yeah, I know it sounds drastic to say I wonder if I'll ever conceive, but I am starting to seriously wonder. We should have by now, if we are normally fertile, that much is for sure. So we can't be normally fertile, and so I wonder what the problem is. Or if there's more than one. And if it can be fixed or if it will mean we will always have a low chance. Hmmm. I know I shouldn't go there, but I just have this feeling.
On the long drive home from Neil's parents' house yesterday, we talked about parenting. Or rather, I talked to Neil about what is on my heart about parenting. I am getting clearer and clearer in my mind about how I feel God is leading me on parenthood. I have to talk to Neil about it a LOT because it's kind of big and it will never work if Neil isn't happy with the idea. Which I'm not sure he is, but anyway, I had to tell him what's on my heart about it. I just said I was throwing it out there though.
I feel like God has given me a gift regarding parenting. I actually feel it about Neil as well, but he doesn't really have the passion that I have about it. I have this powerful gut feeling that we are going to be outstanding parents, and I'm not being proud or egotistical or anything, I actually feel that God has given us an incredible gift to be great parents. I have this yearning in my heart to have many children, like four, five or six. I don't think we will be letting any of them down by not being able to give them each the attention that they need. I think SOME large families can have that risk, depending on individual needs and family dynamics and circumstances, etc. But I think with my passion for parenting and this feeling of.... I don't know... like God making me ABLE to meet my children's needs, that we will do just fine and however many children we have, they will be secure and confident and happy under our loving care.
Okay but that's not all. For the last 3 years I keep having these occasional.... twinges, almost, in my heart, like when God weighs something heavy on me and fills me with desire to follow up on it. I feel I would like to have a bunch of my own children, and also adopt and foster. This is kind of big and scary, because it will be such a challenge, plus the challenges that come with a large family, and I don't know if Neil would ever want this. But I feel that if God is blessing us with a real gift to be great parents, then I would want to give back, not just to my own children for my own means. I would want to use such a gift to give a broken or needy child the gift of a family - not just loving parents, but a family. One that will come from the point of view of the lovely ways of parenting that I've been reading about (and intend to practise thoroughly) in the Sears parenting books. And one that will put God first and pray with children and teach them acceptance in Jesus and all those wonderful things that God provides.
I keep longing to reach out to children in some way but I can't put my finger on what or why. I want to give them a normal carefree childhood like children are supposed to have. Too many children these days don't have that, and I don't just mean those in care or abused. I mean your fairly average child in school whose parents have split up or something. Kids seem to have more anxiety and pain these days and I want to fix that, but I can't all by myself. I just keep wanting to fix it for as many children as I have the ability to do it for, and my mind keeps coming back to adoption, but much more to fostering. I don't know anything about fostering at all, except that it is tremendously challenging. But I feel like God is equipping me to be able to take that on and bless some needy kids out there. Sometimes when I feel like this I worry that God's so keen for us to reach children without a family by adopting and fostering, that he plans for us not to have any of our own kids so that we can do this. I really hope that won't be the case. If I had my own children it wouldn't stop me wanting to envelop other children into my heart as well. So I really hope God lets us have our own children too.
And that is all really. I talked about that more than I planned to! But I'll update again very soon.
Recent entries.....
Babies 7 and 8! :) - 2016-01-10
Babies 6 and 7! - 2013-02-17
Baby #5 !! - 2010-04-03
Nearly 3 months postpartum! - 2009-10-05
6 weeks old already! - 2009-08-25