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2003-08-11 - 5.17pm��previous entry��next entry
Cycle Day 22 - Stressy and scum-like :(
Yeah, you knew I was gonna take a test this morning didn't you?! Even though I'm only 10 days past ovulation. Well it was negative, quelle surprise. But now I feel blue :( Which, again, is not surprising. I shouldn't be so silly. But I couldn't bear waiting any longer, even for a negative result. And the blue thing is good in a way, because maybe it will ease me into disappointment if I am really not pregnant again this cycle, rather than still having loads of hope right up until "The Test Day" and then getting a negative or my period.
Why does this have to suck so much?! It's supposed to be all joyous and fluffy, and you're supposed to just be all romantic one evening with the man you love (without all this hype about what the date is!) and not even be having sex for a baby, and then lo and behold, a baby is made. Then you're meant to be all floating on air and closer to your husband than ever before, and it's all icing on the cake. Why isn't that happening? The fact that it's not happening is spoiling my romantic naivity, darn it!! Plus it is actually making me find day-to-day stuff kind of difficult at the moment, and I wish it would all just happen and not be so stressy and disappointing. I'm sure I probably feel this way because I set my expectations too high or something, but I can't reach them to pull them down now.
Please could anyone pregnant not get in touch with me for a while? That sounds such a pathetic thing to say, but pregnant people are a bit of an issue for me at the moment. I don't mean to hurt anyone or act like a big drama queen, but I just can't bear even thinking about people who I know are pregnant, let alone hearing their happy pregnant news or seeing their happy pregnant selves. I get jealous and weepy and depressed and sort of just want to pull my own hair out, that sort of thing. Judy, for some reason this doesn't include you! I don't know why but you're the only pregnant person I am fine with. I know it makes me pathetic and somewhat fungal (?!) but I figure the best way I can deal with how I feel at this particular stage of waiting and not being pregnant is to just not have pregnant people in my life. Somebody tell me this is stupid and it doesn't work that way! But I tried pushing bad feelings down, forcibly grinning and saying or thinking happy things about their pregnant news/selves, just going with the flow, praying, everything. But every day I can't stand to think of pregnant friends, and every day they're on my mind anyway and it drives me crazy. So I want to try blind ignorance instead. So this is me being a mean and horrible friend, saying please go away until I can deal with you being pregnant and me not being pregnant.
There. I'm scum. And I am really sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings. Believe it or not, it was not intentional.
Well I haven't got much else to say. I am irritable and snappy and emotional and down today. Which could be PMS, or pregnancy I guess, or the heat (which continues still!), or having had a negative pregnancy test this morning. I don't know. My breasts still hurt, I don't know what my temps are doing, I just want to pull my own head off, and I don't know WHAT I'd do without TTC message boards! It helps to have other people at the same stage of waiting, who know what I'm on about and how I feel. Some of them have been trying and waiting a lot longer than me, which makes me feel even more silly for this outburst of an entry, but what can you do? It's how I feel. I probably need to get a grip. Let me know if you know how I can do that please!
I will probably not test again until Wednesday morning, 12 days past ovulation. That's a better chance for a positive test result, but still not guaranteed until after my period's due. But there's no way I'm waiting till then, so I'll let you know how I get on. Sorry about this entry.
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