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2003-08-14 - 1.00pm��previous entry��next entry
Cycle day 25 - end of the road?
Thanks everyone for being so nice to me. I can't tell you how much I appreciate all your support.
Today is Cycle Day 25, and I'm 13 days past ovulation. I tested yesterday with 8 hours worth of urine (trust me, that was not easy!) and it was negative. I went shopping in town because I had to get some stuff for camp that I really don't want to think about but I have to do, and while I was there I saw 8 pregnant women, 3 newborn babies, and four babies in slings or front carriers. That's not even including all the usual prams and pushchairs with older babies or toddlers in. Is there some sort of a boom on? Or is it just me being over-sensitive? It was not easy to see them all, and I don't like that, because usually I love seeing pregnant women and babies. Love it. But not at the moment.
We have been trying to relax and watch distracting things on TV in the evening. Two nights ago we watched "Jamie's Kitchen" (about a chef training up some unemployed young people) and what happened? His wife gave birth to a baby girl. Last night we watched "Only Fools and Horses" (very funny classic sitcom) and what happened? Del-Boy's wife/girlfriend (?) gave birth to a baby boy. I feel stupid, like pregnancy and babies are stalking me and rubbing salt into the wound.
Today is my fourth wedding anniversary (must write about it in my normal diary - have neglected it again this cycle). My period is due today, and I know it is coming. I have had that warm-in-the-pit-of-my-stomach crampy feel since yesterday. This morning my temperature dropped like a stone (sure sign that my period's about to arrive). Neil is at work. I am sitting at the computer with cramps but no period yet, and crying. I just feel so low and confused.
Neil is cross with God because he feels like we were given encouraging signs this cycle and now it seems to him like we were "led on" and now our hopes are all crushed. I am cross with God because I wanted this so badly and why does it have to not happen? I know I am being stupid not trusting God's timing, because really I know that his timing is best, but at the moment it's hard to get past how I feel about not being pregnant again this cycle. Why does it have to be timed with such a special day as today? Why answer all our prayers about the short cycle and the good vibe earlier on and all that stuff, and it was never going to come to anything? I mean, why not just NOT answer those prayers and then we wouldn't have got our hopes up so much. Don't worry, I won't be like this for long. I am just feeling like a tantrumy toddler whining that "it's not faaair!" Yuck.
Yesterday was actually a better day, I seemed to feel more okay with whatever God chose to do in our lives. I felt okay with not being pregnant some of the day. I felt able to look ahead to the next cycle and not stress too much. But by the evening I was not feeling so happy and today isn't so great either. I just keep feeling tearful all of a sudden with no particular thought to trigger it. I want to post for some support and encouragement on some of the TTC boards I use, but when I go there, people are announcing BFPs (positive pregnancy test results) and I choke up and go somewhere else online instead.
I hate telling Neil I had a negative pregnancy test. There's no easy way to do it. I picked him up from work yesterday and kept wanting to tell him in the car, but I didn't want to. So I waited till we got out and just said oh by the way, the test was negative. It's easier to just brush it off as an "oh well" thing if we're busy getting stuff out of the car and winding windows up, etc. I don't want to talk too much about how much it hurts me, because I hate to cry in front of him. I hate to admit how I feel if it hurts. I hate sympathy and hopeful comments like, "Maybe it's still too early and you could still be pregnant?" when I am cramping and I just know it's not gonna happen. For some reason that makes me snappy and prickly and like I want to push him away more than ever. I hate that I have PMT. I don't mind a bit of T but I hate that it's PM. And right now I just can't stop crying. Yesterday I had all of this stuff in my head but it didn't make me cry, and now I am writing it I just can't stop crying about it.
Which is silly because there is always next cycle right? But I honestly feel so pessimistic about future cycles, because I can't understand what went wrong this time. We did everything right this time, everything. Which leads me to wonder if this is just the first couple of months of a very very long wait, where we eventually discover that we have a physical problem and that's why we couldn't seem to conceive all along, and I hate to think that I have a long way to wait before I can get help on something like that, even if that's what's happening. I know, I know, I am being waaaay too negative about this, and even normal healthy fertile couples (allegedly, I am not sure I believe these stats to be accurate) take up to a year to conceive. But we are so healthy, fit, and settled. We take prenatal vitamins, my cycles are normal and fertile. We timed the sex right, we followed all the "tips" in that department for increasing chances of conception, we prayed that God would bless us with a baby this month. I don't understand what went wrong. So if it went wrong anyway, then what's to stop that happening every month forever? I feel a bit like it's a cruel game, and surely having a baby shouldn't be that way? But then I am being hormonal and disappointed and negative, so don't mind me. It will change. We have a good distraction in camp next week, and by the time we get back it will be time to try for a baby again. My mother-in-law is coming to stay that week, but hopefully I will have ovulated by the time she's here! Who knows about that cycle anyway. I don't think I'll bother getting my hopes up. But then you know I can't help it once the two-week-wait comes again, that's just how it is.
I am going to look up my list of things to do that I made last time my period was about to arrive, things that will cheer me up, and things to pamper myself a bit. And I'm not going to try not to cry today either. I think if I am crying then I need to express it, because it's normal to be crushed when I want it so badly I think.
The bad thing is that another cycle and all these feelings just increases my difficulty with pregnant friends. I am trying to pray for them but gosh it's hard, and I can be struggling again just a few minutes later. I get tired of trying to always pray and combat these feelings so mostly it's easier just to want to push those people away and not think about them. I know that's not right, but anyway, I can't deal with it so there. I'm sorry to the pregnant people in question, I know they read this diary so it can't be easy for them to read it, especially when we'd always said we would support each other through pregnancy (when we thought we were gonna be pregnant together), but I can't. I'm sorry. You are just gonna have to be pregnant without me, unless I turn into a nice person again or else fall pregnant myself. I don't like myself today.
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