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2003-08-10 - 10.02pm��previous entry��next entry
Day 21 and four days to go....
Thank you Mandy and Judy for your guestbook entries! :) People who read my diary are so nice! :)
Okay today is Cycle Day 21 and I am 9 days past ovulation. I am due my period on Thursday, which is four more days from now.
But I am going CRAZY waiting!!! I am doing exactly what I said I shouldn't do (although believe me I am trying not to, it's just not working very well) - jumping on every little possibly pregnancy symptom and getting seriously hyped up about it. *sigh* I wish it could be Thursday already. I wish I could really be pregnant. I keep thinking I can't be because I just cannot imagine really being pregnant. I can't explain it better, I just can't fathom it really happening to me. Is that weird?
BUT. I do not have the "unpregnant" vibe that I had last cycle. I noticed in my fluffy journal that I felt definitely unpregnant from 7 days after ovulation. I don't feel that yet. But I'm scared to get my hopes up, and the nearer it gets to the moment of truth, the more scary that is. Everything else seems to be paling into insignificance and I don't know that it's a good thing to allow it to be that way. But it's hard, I am just soooo distracted by it alllll the time!
It's been so unbearably hot and humid this week, and the last 2 nights I have had to sleep downstairs on the sofa with the windows and curtains open to have a chance of sleep. Last night when I was online right before bed I got a couple of shooting pains in one of my breasts. Nothing that abnormal, so I shouldn't get excited or anything, since I sometimes get shooting pains before a period. But in the night I woke on the sofa at 4.30, and my left breast hurt sooooo much! Like a shooting pain that was stuck on shoot (!!), it was hot and searing. I couldn't go back to sleep until it eased off after about 30 minutes, but today it is back with a vengeance. If Neil gets close to me I automatically shield it from being brushed or knocked by accident, it's so weird. The other one is sore too, but not as bad. The owchy one is now bigger than the other, so I guess it was growing pains or something? Is that normal?! Hmmm.
I'm gonna feel reeeally silly having written that for all and sundry to read if I end up getting a real mother of a period instead or something (!!), but I just wanted to write it incase it is my very first genuine pregnancy symptom that I can look back on further down the line. I hope it is.
I am still feeling kind of crampy and stuff, but everything else is normal. My temperature dipped slightly this morning which I had a moment of complete freak-out over, but I am trying not to dwell on my temps too much. If I am pregnant I am pregnant, whatever my temperatures do. Although they are a good clue as to whether I am or not... hmmm. Oh dear. I need to think of something else, but it's so so so difficult.
I am pretty sure I will do the same as last month and end up giving in and testing too early. I am almost wanting to, just to try and get myself slightly toughened up to seeing a negative result, since I'm sure it will be negative if I test too early, whether I'm pregnant or not. Can we say, "Obsessed"? Let's all say it together.
Pfththth.
Well, in other vaguely related news, I made a nappy wrap out of the lime windpro fleece, and I am sooooo pleased with it!! It looks great (I so need to pray about all this pride, heh), it's trim and a beautiful colour, and it's gonna be so much more leak resistant than the professionally made brand one, haha! Well okay, that has yet to be proven, but I am so pleased with my work all the same. I'm gonna make a lavender one next. Or maybe use some fleece I've had for a while sitting in my huge fabric pile. Although I bought a newborn Redrap second-hand yesterday, so when it arrives I can make the newborn ones (after I copy the pattern - I'm sure that must be sooo naughty!). I am going to make three lavender wraps for newborn size. I have 3 newborn Proraps, which are PUL wraps (thin cottony fabric laminated on one side in waterproof stuff that's breathable), and I want 3 fleece wraps as well. I think 6 newborn wraps is all I'll need probably. Maybe 8 if I simply can't stop myself from sewing them!! :) Any more and it will just be excessive I think. But at least eight of the other sizes, including both PUL and fleece wraps. I want wool wraps too. Oh, I forgot I have a newborn wool wrap. I want to try a Stacinator So Simple Wrap too.
Okay what I REALLY need is a baby in the first place for all this! But oh well. I like to keep busy in a baby sort of way!
Well that's it. If I test early I'll let you know about my embarrassment at getting a negative waaaay before I should have tested!! ;) I have stopped doing the "please please pleeeease" praying (!!) because what's done is done - long ago actually, and God knows already when I will be pregnant, whether it's now or a while off. He even knows my children by name already. That's so awesome. I am happy to leave it in his hands. Except when I want him to hand it over and let me check it again!! Okay so I have a lot to work on here, but I just hope I'm pregnant so I don't have to be this ridiculously stressy for another month or more! :)
Aaaaah I just got a shooting yowchy thingy in my RIGHT breast! I'm gonna go and tell Neil! I can see the eyes a-rolling, but don't give up on me yet! One day I'll probably be pregnant and maybe be less unbearable! ;) Neil is being wonderful by the way. He is just listening and saying all the right things, and we're doing the whole "hours in front of the mirror looking at my breasts" thing again this month. We are both just so desperate to be pregnant this time. Neil gets excited and then tries not to be so he doesn't make things harder for me. The sweetie. My mum keeps asking me how I'm feeling when I phone her, and when I tell her about how I feel and stuff, and how many days till I test, etc, there's this kind of strained pause, and then she says, "Well I won't have any feelings about that just yet then." Hehe! She's so sweet! She is SO excited, but she won't let herself say so because she wants to protect me. She says I mustn't worry about them being disappointed if I'm not pregnant, etc. I know they are just so excited. I can't WAIT to tell them we are expecting. I can't wait till we are. Maybe we already are? Maybe maybe. Maybe baby.
Okay I'm really going now! Back for another ramble soon though, I'm sure. It's all too close not to have the odd rant now and again!
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