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2003-10-04 - 11.30am��previous entry��next entry
Cycle Day 22
Wow it�s been a while! Sorry about that! I will get straight to it.
I am now on Cycle Day 22 � don�t know how that happened! The days have just disappeared lately, especially with me being less focused on pregnancy and more focused on Cameron. I have not felt like updating here much. Yesterday I went to the chapel to see Cameron�s body, which was such a hard thing to do, but I feel so much better for having been to see him. And now I feel like updating again :) So here I am!
Last time I wrote I was ovulating I think? So what has happened since then? Umm�. Someone seemed to be taking a dig at my CM issues, well, not directly, but I found it very hurtful and upsetting all the same. Because I don�t have any EWCM, and I feel that was used to hurt me. Added to how much I was generally hurting, I was feeling like, �Way to kick me when I�m down.� So that wasn�t so great. But now I am less hurt by it, I can see why that little stab would have been made, even if the person did not think they were saying it to hurt me, it was definitely there under the surface. I�m being elusive aren�t I? Oh well. Anyway, I see what that person must have been feeling so I am less hurt, and anyway things are generally less emotionally painful for me now that I�ve seen Cameron, so this hurts me less too. But at the time, thanks a bunch. That was a really mean thing to do. I�m over it now though.
Okay so I charted my temperatures for 5 days after ovulation, and then Neil and I set up a new system!! Every morning Neil�s alarm goes off at 7 for him to get up for work. I wake up to it as well, and I put the thermometer in my mouth straight away. When it peeps I don�t look at it, I just hand it over to Neil, and he checks the temperature and the time, and writes the two down on a piece of paper which is kept on his side of the bed. He then turns the paper over so I won�t happen to see it during the day, and goes to work while I doze back to sleep! :) Great system huh?! It�s really working well, because Neil doesn�t stress about what my temps are doing since he doesn�t really know what means what. And I don�t stress because I haven�t a CLUE what my temps are doing! I was very tempted to look at the piece of paper the first day or two, but it�s easy to ignore it now. I haven�t peeked, and I won�t till I get my period, or until I am late and get a positive test. Either way at that stage I will update my chart with the temps so I can see what has been happening and have a complete chart. This is working great for us and we�ll definitely be doing it every cycle till I get pregnant.
So my chart won�t be looking very exciting at the moment. I am still updating it with details that don�t show on the chart, and CM and stuff like that, just to keep the chart progressing without the temps.
I am 9 days past ovulation today. My breasts have been unusually sore this cycle, from right after I ovulated, which is unusual for me. It can�t be pregnancy related though, starting that early. I am MUCH less hyped up about pregnancy this cycle. Maybe that�s because of Cameron, or maybe it�s just me getting used to trying to conceive over and over again. Whatever the reason, I don�t mind at all. I�m happy not to be so stressy. I hope I am pregnant but I am glad to not be so focused on it this time around. I hope I can be like this for next cycle too (if there is a next cycle). I somehow think there will be. I don�t have a huge amount of optimism about getting pregnant for some reason. It�s not a difficult feeling or making me feel low or anything, it�s just a feeling of acceptance that it might take a while. Cameron�s death has put things hugely into perspective. This is so not important. I will have a baby when God says it�s right. I had a child in my life, in my heart, for 11 years � well, nine and a half, since that�s how long I knew him for. And he died. We never know the timing of things. And something this big�. Well, it certainly shows me what things are most important in life. And right now, having a baby is just a process of life to me, not a priority focus. I�m already IN the process, even though I�m not at the stage I want to be at yet. But with Cameron gone, I�m realising how fragile life is and how awesomely mighty and great God is, and it makes utter sense to me to just leave it in his hands and wait to see how he blesses us.
I told Cameron (though he wasn�t there to hear me) that I would carry on and live my life, that I would be happy and try not to despair at losing him, even though I miss him so much. I told him I was going to have children just as soon as I possibly could, and that although I wished he had been alive to meet my kids, maybe it was better that he wasn�t, because then for the whole of his life, he was the only child in my heart.
So that�s what I�m going to do. Be happy. Live my life. Have children just as soon as God opens up that opportunity. Spend my life loving children. I know that I can do that with children who are not my own, because look at Cameron. He�s as much mine as I can ever imagine a child being. So I know God has things ready in the right time for me and my heart.
So yeah. Day 22. My period is due on Day 27, to give me a 26 day cycle, which I am sure of since I ovulated on CD13 and my luteal phase is another 13 days. So I�m due�. Thursday 9th. My parents will be here by then. Cam�s funeral will be past by then � it�s on Monday.
Ooh, just incase anyone doesn�t read my normal diary � could you be thinking of/praying for Cameron�s mum? She is due her baby boy on Sunday, with her own child�s funeral on the Monday. Yesterday evening I phoned her and she was having fairly hefty contractions, though still irregular. She NEEDS to be at the funeral. I cannot imagine how this must all feel for her. They also have a very lively 3 year old. Please pray for her, that the baby will hang in there till after the funeral (her docs say they want to induce her the day after the funeral anyway), or else if she has the baby before then, that it will be sooner rather than later, and that there will be no complications for her to have to recover from � or the baby. Pray that she bonds well with her new little boy. She refers to the baby as �it� at the moment, which worries me a bit, and she told me she just has nothing available to give to the new baby, she is just totally spent after seeing Cameron die. She really needs prayers.
I don�t know if I have any more TTC news for now. I received some PUL fabric in the post today!!!! Woohoo!! Now I have fabric to make real quality waterproof wraps! I ordered this months ago in a co-op. I have four colours of Malden Mills microfleece on their way too!! Oooh fabric is so exciting! And I joined a diaper exchange group online! It�s for sewing mothers who make their own diapers and swap them with other mums. How cool!
I got several maternity bras and a pair of denim maternity jeans in the post this week too. In the cupboard they go with all my other maternity stuff waiting to be used! I have dungarees on their way too!! Yay! I love dungarees on pregnant women. I have a pair, no two pairs actually, but I still don�t have a normal denim pair, so hopefully this pair will satisfy me!
I bought a Stacinator wool wrap off the buy and sell forum the other day. It was a large and had been used three times, but the poor mum threw it in the wash with the nappies by accident, so it�s shrunk to about a size medium, and faded to a pretty pale green instead of the sage green it started out as! She says it has shrunk evenly so I snapped it up. It was a bargain. And I�ve been trawling websites looking at Stacinators for ages, planning to buy a couple eventually, but they are normally quite expensive as far as diapering goods go! So I can�t wait for that to arrive.
And that�s definitely it for now. I�ll update again soon! :)
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