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2003-09-26 - 2.34pm��previous entry��next entry
Cycle Day 14 - Two week wait again
Thanks Judy and Meg for your guestbook entries. I am doing better at the moment. Really detached and numb, which I suppose isn't better actually, but for now it makes me feel more normal and like I can cope each day and I can focus on other things better. Cameron's funeral is next week which I am sure will be very difficult, so maybe I will be less updatey then.
We have managed to BD though. No EWCM at all this cycle - so much for the grapefruit juice. But I think it did have some effect because I had absolutely loads of my normal CM, way more than normal, so maybe it just worked to increase the AMOUNT of what I normally have. I don't know. This morning my temperature was up, right on schedule, so I ovulated yesterday. Actually my body has been good to me. I wondered if I would even ovulate, given the shock of Cameron's death, but I seem to have ovulated anyway. I don't normally get an obvious sign of ovulation, so I was thrilled to get a sharp crampy pain on my left side, right through my abdomen to my back, at about 8pm yesterday evening. I sometimes get ovulation pain but not very often, so I was glad of it. Check out my chart!! It looks pretty good - I am pleased with our timing and my fertile signs. We even BD'd a couple of hours after the ovulation pain started, so could it possibly be any better timed?!! I will be frustrated beyond frustrated if I get my period I think. Plus worried, because what else could be the problem if we are absolutely sure that we put a fresh egg and some fresh sperm in the same place at the right time? Either my CM is killing the sperm so they can't get through, or the sperm aren't plentiful or healthy enough to make it. I hope it's neither of those and we are pregnant this cycle.
It sounds silly or something, but I hope we have conceived this cycle, because then I would have lost a child on Wednesday and conceived another on Thursday, with no gap, no day inbetween. I feel like that would be so comforting to have that continuation. My parents will be visiting from 2 days before my period is due, and that's the only time they are visiting together this year (since they left in February). The next time I'll see them is around New Year, and it would be so wonderful to be able to announce a pregnancy to them face-to-face. I don't ever want to replace Cameron because he can never be replaced in my heart. But I feel like I want another little boy so I can place some special connection on him to Cameron in some way. Is that wrong? Sometimes when I think about that, it feels like I shouldn't, like it's wrong. I thought about naming my own son Cameron for many years, but I always thought, even when Cam was alive, that I couldn't do that, because I already HAVE a Cameron as my own. He's not really mine, but in my heart he will never be anything else. I couldn't have two children named Cameron, even though I love the name, any more than his mother could name her nearly-due baby boy Cameron - she already has a Cameron. And so do I. I have always thought maybe I could use Cameron as a middle name if I have a son. But right now that doesn't seem enough. I want to name a son of my own Cameron Anthony, exactly after Cam. But then my feelings swing around again and I think I couldn't because having two Camerons in my heart would be too confusing, and it would be too much like replacing him. It's all so confusing as it is.
Anyway those are my thoughts on that.
I have cute flannels imported from the States this week, and I have some wool jersey which is bright pink. I've been pre-shrinking and felting it in the machine. I'm not sure what pattern I'll make it into so I probably won't do anything with it for a while. I also got my coloured touchtape to finish off my blue fleece wraps that I made a while ago, and I got orange, green, and black snaps (poppers). Now that they're here, I'm sure I will use black snaps on the cow and milk flannel nappy. I love to hammer those things on, but I haven't felt like it just yet. I got a nappy in the post - a diaper actually, since it's from America! It's from Starbunz and it's soooo cute. Laura at Starbunz makes all these unique diapers, and I bought a Bam Bam diaper through a diaper co-op online a couple of months ago. Anyway, it arrived a couple of days ago and I am thrilled with it. There's no photo of it on her website anymore so I guess she is out of stock on those for now. But anyway, I will post a photo of it. It is like Bam Bam's diaper in the Flintstones - like fluffy animal fur :) So cute. And I know I'm not gonna find one like that again for a while! I bought a larger one because I thought it would look better on a toddler than a baby, but it's huuuge and I won't get to use it for yeeears, which is a shame! But I think it'll be worth it. It's a pocket AIO with a gorgeous thick soft absorbant insert. I'll stop rambling now and post the photo:
Isn't it cute?! Some don't like it but I thought it was irresistable.
I have no more news today. I am officially in the two-week-wait. Since I know what day I ovulated (what a relief compared with last cycle!), I know my period will be here on October 10th (if it's coming), since I have a 13-day luteal phase. Sometimes it's 12 days but only for a couple of cycles this year. Otherwise it's all 13 days from ovulation to getting my period. I am going to temp for a couple more days to officially confirm ovulation, and then stop. I am tempted to continue because I want a pretty chart (!!) but I think it will stress me out too much to be watching my temps wobble about for the next two weeks, when I can't do anything but wait anyway, and I don't need extra stress around the funeral. So I will be stopping my temping from a couple of days time. I may still chart other things though, I'm not sure. I did consider maybe taking my temperature in the mornings and just passing the thermometer over to Neil to read, and then maybe he could write down my temp and I would never know what it was until the end of my cycle when I could chart it all just so my chart is complete for next cycle, or to look back on if I did conceive.
My cycle buddy from a couple of months ago - you know the one I told you about who got pregnant and I felt sad that I wasn't pregnant with her? She miscarried :( So she is back trying to conceive again. I feel so bad for her, it's so awful. She was so desperate to get pregnant and finally she did and was so thrilled. Poor thing. I hope she gets pregnant again quickly this time.
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