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2003-09-24 - 9.11pm��previous entry��next entry
Cycle Day 12 - Cameron
Just an update. Today is Cycle Day 12. I am still on the grapefruit juice, and so far I have no EWCM at all. I know I am in my most fertile window because it's usually this time in my cycle that I am most fertile, and I have plenty of my normal "fertile" CM, and also today I got a positive OPK, so I know I should be ovulating within the next 24-36 hours.
The thing is, a little boy who I considered my own in my heart died this morning and I can't make sense of my grief over it. I feel like I don't want a child of my own, since it could never live up to Cameron. I feel I could never love a child like I love Cameron. I have worried about this in the past, but now that he's died I don't know what to think. There seems no point in having a baby. I can't bear grief like this if loving a child is what causes it. I don't know.
I think we will keep trying, unless I can't bear to BD. I talked with Neil and we think we should keep letting the opportunity be there for conception, and just let God deal with the timing. Right now I couldn't care less when that timing will be. It all seems so insignificant now.
I have new nappies and fabric that I wanted to talk about yesterday, but not now. Maybe later when things seem more real.
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